A
male
age
41-50,
*oul83
writes:I eventually told my gf about the previous operations I had as a child because she would have seen the scars anyway.The problem is that she cannot seem to properly accept the act that I had the operations (adeniods removed, 1/2 left kidney taken out, appendix removed, spinal surgery). She feels like the Gods have punished me too much. She also doesn't seem to understand why I am treating her so well...Tonight she dropped a bombshell. For the past year we have been living together she tells me that since we've been together she's thought about getting another bf who doesn't have any back problem.All this after more than 1 year of living together!!She says she still loves me and that she wouldn't be trying to marry me if she didn't accept me for who I am now.Usually I adopt the attitude of letting the past go and embracing the present and future. But I cannot believe that whilst we've been living together, she's been thinking about finding another guy.This is insulting and hurtful! Reply to this Question
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reader, soul83 +, writes (11 October 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, it's true that this society is very materialistic. I have the patience to keep teaching her through lessons that there are people less fortunate in life.
It's encouraging to hear her say that she feels like other guys couldn't love her as much as I do. I seem to have endless patience for her temper etc. Because I firmly believe that we were meant to be together. I trust my gut instinct on that - no matter how crazy it sounds.
A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (11 October 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd looking around for someone else? Uh, what's the point of living together, meeting the parents and trying to be in an exclusive relationship?
It's downright BS to be looking around or something better when you're already in a committed relationship. I say you're better off to be alone than to burden someone with your uncertainty about them.
She says she cannot let me go because I'm so good to her and she doesn't want to see other girls end up with me...
A note to the editors, thanks for the eye-catching title but it's a little off the mark. She hasn't tried to leave me!
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A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (11 October 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK! Firstly, we aren't planning to stay in China. We're off to Australia next year. My health is really OK. Apart from the fact that I cannot play contact sports (including karate or kung fu - something she wants to learn and wanted to learn together with me) or do some really crazy things like bungee jumping, I am perfectly normal!
As for my future career ambitions, I have a few well-paying options in mind. I have a biotech degree so I should be able to get into lab work.
She's excited about coming to Australia with me and has told me she thinks she could never find such a big love to her in all of her life. It's true that I care about her a lot. I just don't want to marry her if she is uncertain about some things. The worst possible scenario in my mind is to find out that she just cannot get past what seems to me to be minor stuff and that she will be unhappy in the long run and want to divorce. Especially once she has citizenship.
I want to give her more credit than that. Yeah it's true that when you fight with your SO, you are going to be thinking about wanting to kick them away. We talked about that last night.
I'll give you a bit of background about how we met. She was my tour guide last year. We had a bit of a connection and after thinking about how I could find work in science in China, I came to the realisation that I needed a change from science after studying it for so long. I stumbled upon teaching and kept 2 options in mind: 1. I stay with her and find work in her city. 2. I use teaching as a way to travel around China. Teaching can be rewarding when you watch the young kids learn.
We kept in constant contact on Skype. To the point of everyday. The first time I told her about some of my operations - especially the back one, it really scared her. I thought it was sensible to forewarn her so that she wouldn't be shocked and find it awkward after we met - the scar can easily be seen. She told me her response was to disappear for a few minutes to go and have a big cry when she found out. It apparently broke her heart as she was imagining this handsome, strong and healthy foreigner coming to her. Well, I'm healthy and strong (my bones are apparently like concrete according to many doctors) but I carry the rods in my back :-/
It's of course good to hear that she still wants to be with me and that she no longer has the same outlook as before. We are still approaching marriage next year but I sense a lot of uncertainty in her which is destabilising me too.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 How could you not believe that? This is China. You have the highest density of good looking available girls on the planet but at the same time it's a highly materialistic culture with very little social safety net so those beautiful girls look at you as a package of benefits and risks. She is obviously very fond of you but by marrying a foreigner, especially a youngish one who doesn't speak good Chinese she is taking a significant social risk. She is also taking on an economic risk that at some point in the future you can move on from being an English teacher and get a better paid job - do you have any idea what costs to buy a nice little 3 bedroom house in the suburbs of major Chinese city? There's nothing for less than A$1 million and you won't get that teaching English. Your health problems represent another set of risks especially in a society in which all healthcare is paid for at the point of delivery. It is not at all surprising that she has been looking around for the possibility of a better option - it is normal and OK to do that BEFORE marriage - the fact that she is still getting married to you suggests that you are doing something right.
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