A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:It seems that it only takes my ex-girlfriend to join Facebook.com to get me rattled up.I've been having a pretty good day. Been feeling fairly comfortable about the relationship ending (2 months and 2 weeks ago), but then suddenly I find out that she's gone and joined facebook. She didn't have an account a couple of weeks ago, and now suddenly she has one!! Facebook was something I had and knew that she didn't have. I felt like it was a site that I could go to and escape from seeing her (a bit like this one, I suppose), because she already has a myspace, but now she's on facebook as well!I know I'm hardly in control of what she does, but this has suddenly got me pretty angry, and it was my own stupid fault. I searched her name for the hell of it, and then turns out she is now on there! I guess it's fortunate that I can't look at her profile, and she can't look at mine, but it's just another thing that is now gonna sit there in the back of my mind, eating me up a little bit more. Why does this happen? Something so little is able to get to me, and I know that it isn't going to affect her in the slightest!Is this at all normal? I know I have a tendancy to overreact, and a bit of a temper too, but it feels like she's only done that to get at me, and I know that isn't true.Help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (7 September 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Sorry Donna, I think I explained that this wasn't the reason before. Did you read it?... Who knows? Maybe you're right and I don't fully understand why I'm annoyed... All I know is, it got to me for one reason or another, and I truly believe it was for the reasons I stated below.
Anyway, thank-you for your concern.
A
female
reader, auntie donna +, writes (7 September 2007):
 I know you are annoyed, but surely you cant be that supprised as almost everyone has it now. Maybe it's because you know she could me talking to men on there and you cant see what's going on. Or maybe it is because it's a part of her life that you dont exist in. At the end of the day exes are exes for a reason, so you have to move on and get over this girl..... The harsh reality is the reason you're angry is because you're not over her and know you cant get her back. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (6 September 2007):
Sorry Andy, but I still don't think you should feel that way. As other posters have said, just like you did, she probably joined Facebook because she's no longer in a relationship and wants to catch up with some people she hasn't been in recent contact with (maybe because she also found the break-up hard hence meeting up with old friends will take her mind off it). You seem to think she's invaded your own personal space, and I don't think you should take it that way. I really think you need to let this go.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (6 September 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, judging from a lot of the answers, it's lead me to think that you don't understand me. Maybe I didn't make it clear WHY I'm annoyed, so let me explain:What got me angry earlier (and I say earlier because I'm a little better now) was not WHY she joined Facebook. What she does on Facebook now she is here is of no interest to me... Or atleast, I won't allow it to be of any interest to me. If she wants to go on dating sites, then she can. She can do what she likes. I was never controlling while we were together, and I don't intend to even come across that I am that kind of person.I guess I was a little more angry because she hadn't signed up to Facebook before hand. It was something I signed up to after we broke up, and I felt a lot better knowing she wasn't there. Since she wasn't there, I coudn't be tempted to look at her profile... But now she has one, and it's just something else I have to force myself not to look out.I guess this question was posted out of frustration, rather than anything else. I know jealousy and anger are hardly good qualities in a person, and I don't like to feel, nor display these feelings.Anyway, have I explained myself any better? Is my reason for getting a little steam any more valid now?
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A
male
reader, pavel38 +, writes (6 September 2007):
I can see why you're annoyed, but you have to let it go. She's got every right to join Facebook, from your post I can't help but feel that you're not as over the break-up as you think you are, else you wouldn't be looking to see if she'd joined or react like this. I don't wish to make you feel worse but she could also have joined an internet dating site.I've had a very rough time lately with someone I know who's also on Facebook and consequently I don't use it now as if I do I will check out her profile and it'll upset me, so I avoid it until I feel I've moved on.Don't allow it to eat away at you, accept it and concentrate on making the most of your own life, not thinking about what she is doing with hers.
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A
female
reader, jacks +, writes (6 September 2007):
 i honestly think you are over reacting concerning this matter....i agree with what the others have said about you not being over her yet as i noticed your kinda counting the days that this relationship ended...as you are aware facebook is for networking and finding old work mates or school mates....she has every right to be there and if she joined the site then maybe just like you shes not over you yet because you mentioned she knew you had a facebook account....you both have to accept the relationship is over or try again or atleast try to be friends.....why dont you add her as a friend on facebook and see what happens. all the best..xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): You are right Andy, you are not in control of her life and you never were, even when you two were dating. Now that she and you have split, she has every right to be on whatever website she wants. It doesn't matter whether it bugs you or why she has done it. She is a free thinking individual and she does what she chooses to do and it's basically...out of your hands..none of your business. So what's with this anger? Did she break it off with you? One's anger/jealousy traits would make most females turn and run. Jealousy and Anger is very destructive, entitled, toxic feelings. Is this normal? Not in the way you describe. Because you are feeling like you have lost control of 'her' life and what she does with it. Her life and what she did was always 'her's' to begin with...you have never had a say in what she does. I can see you still have feelings for her. But that is where it ends. But no matter how you look at it, or no matter how well-founded it is, jealousy is always an ugly emotion. and it makes people who experience it...ugly people. So stop doing that.
Jealousy is about fear, suspicion, lack of trust, insecurity, and a need to control. None of those are qualities, any female should want, in a man because it usually means he's crossing over the line into 'ownership' and eventually emotional/verbal abuse. This is what anger does to a controller..it makes him over react, it makes him feel lost and alone. And then he blames her for his troubles. It's also a big immaturity problem. So my advice regarding jealousy is to never allow it to darken your spirit. It is an emotion that is a red flag that there are other issues that need to be looked at, in yourself. Take this as an opportunity to improve yourself, seek some counseling to get a better understanding of yourself because your jealousy meter is set too high and it’s making you miserable. Your strong "hypervigilant" reactions, such as over reacting to her facebook account, will eventually ruin your chances at opportunities to thrive at other relationships and be happy. You just need to mature and develop new thought patterns based on reality. Ownerships and Jealousy can’t thrive beside a true generous love. I wish you well my dear-take care and work hard at this.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (6 September 2007):
 Nah, I seriously think she did it just to piss you off. She's just ready to move on. It's what people do when they want to make new friends. You did it, right? What was your motive? To meet someone new. It angers you because you are not ready for her to do the same. But you knew it would happen sooner or later, otherwise you wouldn't have been looking for her profile there. Just give yourself time to adjust to this. You'll accept it once you realize it's just one more step in the process of the break-up. Who knows, maybe she was surprised you were there so soon yourself.
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