A
male
age
36-40,
*ickedwizard07
writes:I recently met a woman, who is in the earliest possible stage of divorce. She has a child with her husband, and he is fighting the divorce because he refuses to go a day without that child. I over the past several months have fallen in love with both the mother and the child. Do i stay the course for my love of the woman and child, or do I sit back, run that risk of her thinking I don't care?
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female
reader, Koala Bear  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 This is why you never get involved with someone who is unable to full commit to you(i.e because of marriage/separation). You are hurting over this because this is what you chose. You knew she was only separated, what happens next is all up to her. So unfortunately your feelings are going to have to silently ride in the back seat of this car. I know it sucks but there is nothing you can do about it besides for deciding on if you are in or out. The bad part about this is not only are you emotionally involved, but now her kid has emotional bonded to you in a way.(Bad idea on her part to move forward in her romantic life before closing the legal life she had with some one else. Now the child probably has some confusion. Frankly I don't see how her relationship with you is a secret if the child is well aware of your existence.)Good Luck, sir. Try to find peace if you feel this is worth it. If you don't find peace you will soon resent her and the whole situation. If this is not the relationship for you then let her know. Best of Luck!
A
male
reader, wickedwizard07 +, writes (14 December 2011):
wickedwizard07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLet me better explain the situation. By earliest stage possible I mean they have decided to divorce, have separated, and are currently in the stage of finding lawyers. She doesn't live with me, and we don't plan on thy happening for at least a few months. No one knows about us, because it can interfere with her getting custody, which I agree it wouldn't look very good on her part, or mine. The lawyer part is going to take time, she says a couple of months due to lack of funding for the lawyer. So I have to sit in the dark so to speak and basically take her word for it that she is going to actually go through with the divorce and not just do a trial separation. My problem is, I like attention from my partner and waiting kills me. I hate knowing I can't see her when I want, especially in public. So do I trust her? Yes! Should I sit and wait her out not knowing how long it'll take? That's my question. The finalization of this divorce could take months and I'm not sure if I should wait or not. I love her, just hate the feeling of not knowing how long!
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (14 December 2011):
I don't see why you have to disappear from this woman's life. You certainly need to take things slowly. For example, if you moved in with her that would make her ex even more crazy and angry and that in turn would make her life more difficult. I say carry on if you are both happy together.
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A
female
reader, bluecow +, writes (14 December 2011):
 When you say "stay the course"... exactly what do you mean?
Are you talking about getting involved in the fighting and arguments... or are you talking about being there to support her after another row?
If its the first... then back off. If its the 2nd then YES absoloutly.
From what I understand she isnt in the earliest stages of separation, its a few months down the line?
In which case, soon they will organise themselves for the sake of their child. Their arguing and tug of war over a child is unhealthy for the kid. When your with her you might want to help her look into resolving the access/custody arrangements for the benefit of the child, not for their own benefit.
Once the access/custody has been resolved and the pattern emerges the divorce can proceed at a much calmer place.
However - its a HUGELY stressful time for everyone involved.
You are going to bear the brunt of those emotions, and be the one to keep picking up the pieces. Are you ready for that? If not then I would suggest that you explain your love to your GF but explain you cant get involved in the stress of the divorce. You would have to break up, and wait. This runs the risk of her not wanting to see you again in the future or meeting someone else who can offer her the support she needs.
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