A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do anymore. My girlfriend gets upset at me when I simply try to communicate and says really hurtful stuff in the process.My girlfriend is extremely high stress and I'm very laid back. Since she's so high stress, in general, she tends to lash out at me frequently over nothing. Last night she cancelled plans for the second day in a row. I told her it was feeling as though she may be upset at me and was everything okay? She normally doesn't cancel plans, so I was checking. I consider this to be basic communication. She blew up and said she couldn't deal with the drama and hung up on me. I attempted to call back but she ignored me. She then went on to send me a string of text messages telling me how our relationship is just too overwhelming to her and how I'm just an added stressor in her life, constantly causing her problems. And that I'm not worth all the drama. She said a lot of hurtful things.I tried to handle things the best way i knew how and told her we should just talk in a couple days when things are calm, but she just kept persisting in saying hurtful things and basically told me she doesn't care about our relationship because basically, how dare I start a needless fight over her cancelling plans. Sadly, this is common. she over-reacts to things because she's already highly stressed, and takes even the smallest and simplest things between us and makes mountains out of them. And then goes on to verbally bash me like her whipping post, saying whatever crosses her mind in her angry state. She finally calmed down enough at the end to tell me she realizes she completely started this fight and it was all her fault. That I didn't do anything wrong by communicating, and that she knew she was saying really hurtful things and she was sorry - she was just mad and that sometimes, she can just "be a woman." She said she loved me and we should talk more once she's calmed down and can be an adult. She's just got a lot of stress on her plate at the moment and anything extra she couldn't handle. This always happens. Something that in a normal relationship would be nothing becomes a huge fight with her. Thing is, I can't take much more. It's not fair to over-react and lash out like that, saying all the hurtful things she did. then just say sorry and I love you. It's not so simple. The hurtful words stick with me. They don't just disappear when she decides to calm down. I don't know what to do anymore. I love her but I can't take this anymore. she recognizes her habit. we've talked about it. but it never seems to change. She picks a fight, says hurtful things, then days later says she didn't mean any of it and is sorry. Then goes right back to it. I'm hurting over this. Any advice would be great. Thank you.
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female
reader, citadel  +, writes (8 October 2013):
I say cut contact, at least for a while. Until she either finds a way to deal with stress, like we all have to.
Stand up to her, lay it on the line.
If she can't handle that then I'd say move on.
If this has nothing to do with you and your actions. "thinking two to tango" then it's her problem to deal with before she enters into any relationship. Spell that out to her.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): I am the poster of this question. To the male anon - you're absolutely right. I know that's the definition of insanity. And it always drives me crazy when I think about it because I feel so illogical when I'm always such a logical person. For some reason, I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt because I want to believe she will do better and because I don't want things to end. But I can't keep dealing with this. To the female anon - thank you. I've thought about borderline before, myself. she seems so highly sensitive to any tiny, little criticism. What would be a normal issue in any other relationship I've had, turns into a nightmare in this one. It may very well be that she is borderline. I've mentioned it to her in a calm state of mind, in a gentle way. She said she didn't think so, but then again, she didn't know what it was.And to llifton - thank you. I hate you're dealing with this, too, but glad to know I'm not alone. I will inbox you how it all turns out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): When you are in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, it doesn't get better. It gets worse. Faulting stress isn't an excuse for abuse. It's a way of dismissing it, until it happens again.If she's so stressed that she loses control, and has a temper tantrum; that's considered an anger management issue. You shouldn't allow it to continue. Abuse takes it's toll, and victims of abuse sometimes suffer from irreparable emotional scarring. You can only stand up to it so long; before it takes it affects on you psychologically.You are an enabler, when you forgive and allow it to happen again and again. She should seek medical attention; if stress is affecting her so profoundly.You should end the relationship; if you trigger so much stress that she is so seriously upset by your actions. Who knows what medical complications may be caused as a result of your "drama."What pleasure do you otherwise derive from remaining in such a relationship? She says she doesn't care about it anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): "She picks a fight, says hurtful things, then days later says she didn't mean any of it and is sorry. Then goes right back to it. I'm hurting over this. Any advice would be great."Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.She is who she is and she's not going to change. You can either expect that she is going to fly off the handle and say hurtful things, accept this behavior and let her words said in the heat of the moment roll off your back, or you can leave. Personally, I don't understand how you can profess to "love" a woman who treats you with such disrespect and contempt, and her constantly rationalizing her behavior making excuses after the fact does not mitigate or lessen the effect of what she says.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. If so (only a psychiatrist can confirm) it pretty much means you will either have to leave her and cut her out of your life forever to protect your own mental health or you will get dragged down until you are just as mentally ill as she is. Even if she isn't diagnosed as this, she is clearly not normal. and therefore a relationship with her will never be normal. Its better for you and for her to break up and stay away from her. Only by losing people will she ever decide some day that she should change her behavior or seek professional help for it. If she never loses any relationships then that means her emotionally abusive behavior is acceptable and is working well for her so she'll just keep right on doing it more which would suck for you.Don't underestimate what this kind of relationship can do to you over he long term. It can change your personality into a timid cowering blob or it can turn you into a bitter, angry and jumpynervous wreck.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 October 2013):
 Wow it's literally crazy because I am going through almost the exact same thing. My girlfriend lashes out at me, too, in just the same way, and says awful stuff when she gets stressed. I can't take it either, my friend. I keep trying to give her the benefit of the doubt she will change. But there's only so much I can take. Sounds like the same rings true for you. There's only so many times you can be put down before you start to believe it.
I hope you find the strength to move on. or even better - she will change before it's too late. good luck. You can inbox me any time if you need.
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