A
male
age
30-35,
*athguy
writes:Dear Cupid Aunts, The other day I checked out something at my university library which had not been checked out since 1978, and thus lacked a bar code. Since I could not use the self-checkout kiosk, I had to actually go and get a real person to check me out! While the student worker behind the desk worked with her supervisor to get a new bar code printed, we began chatting--about the research I was doing and about the research she was doing (I'm a grad student and she's an undergraduate, but that puts us at about the same age because I started grad school a few years early). We talked for a while about our respective fields and what we wanted to do for a living (this is the last year for both of us here). I was legitimately interested in the things she talked about, and even awkwardly stood around flipping through my book while she checked out other people so I could talk to her more. Eventually I had to go so I wished her luck but left without even getting her name. A couple of days later I went to check out another book (which incidentally had an old-fashioned barcode that also would not work with the self-checkout kiosk!). We again talked more and I have to say that she seems like a very lovely young lady who was passionate about the things she studies, which definitely seem fascinating to me. This time I introduced myself and shook her hand before leaving. I would love to get to know her more, but I don't want to sound too forward... At this point it would be fun even to just have more conversations with her about obscure languages. The question is how do I do this appropriately. I don't want to bother her or creep her out. Would it be untoward if sometime I am in the middle of another conversation with her while I check out a book and I ask her if she would like to chat over coffee sometime? Are there any other guidelines? Keep in mind that I have never come close to "asking anyone out on a date" or whatever this would be. I have been in a relationship before (which I broke off because it was abusive), but she came onto me rather strongly from the beginning. If I do this, I want to do it with tact and to express interest in getting to know her more, but to make it clear that there will be no hard feelings if she declines the offer for any reason, and that there is no pressure of any kind.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (24 October 2013):
 well keep your head up, my friend. it is only human nature and desire to want to find a partner to experience life with. you really do seem like a great guy and a great catch. one day you will most certainly find a woman who is as much of a catch as you are and you will be thankful for the wait. good luck!
A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (23 October 2013):
mathguy is verified as being by the original poster of the question(Most of the time I'm not "miserably lonely" and am pretty happy overall. It's just a mood that strikes from time to time that I find as interesting as it is intense. The experience of life, with all of its colorful desires, feelings, sensations, and events which might come out of a page-turning novel, is a thing of great beauty.)
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (23 October 2013):
mathguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your advice, everyone. I asked her if she wanted to get coffee after we chatted in the library. She said sure, but that she needed to preface that by saying that she doesn't date. My response was that that was perfectly fine.
I felt pretty embarrassed about the situation but also strangely relieved to have that out of the way. I've enjoyed the intellectually stimulating conversations enough that they are a worthwhile goal to themselves. Maybe I have made a new friend out of this experience?
I sure hope I didn't make her feel too uncomfortable or awkward. I remember being asked out on a date when I was a 15-year-old college student by someone who was 18 (she didn't know my age). Since I was several years younger than everyone else, I also did not date in college. The situation felt slightly awkward because I had not been expecting it from her or anyone.
I don't feel disappointed about this experience, but I do still feel profoundly "girl lonely," as my mother would put it. It is sort of strange and fascinating, since my life is otherwise going so well and I have many good friends, that this drive to find a mate makes me feel so frustrated and miserably lonely at times. Sometimes it feels like death from starvation and other times it feels like being consumed by fire from inside out.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 October 2013):
let us know how it goes!
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (6 October 2013):
mathguy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the words of encourage and advice, everyone. I do plan to invite her to talk over coffee or other beverage of her choice sometime.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): For goodness sake just ask her out.lol.You seem really interested in her.If you are as nice as you seem on this post,she won't say no.
A fellow student
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): Whatever books you checkout, they have to be returned. You've already broken the ice by discussing your interests and allowing her to see that you are studious, friendly, and slightly shy.You can now ask: "by the way, would it be too forward to offer you my phone number, and perhaps I could take you out for coffee after work? I don't want to distract you from work, maybe we can have a real talk sometime.That's simple, to the point, and doesn't come off cheesy or too pushy. Try it.It's amazing that your post comes soon after I suggested to a lady OP that she should go to guest lectures at local universities, and participate in college social events to meet guys just like you! She was a nice attractive young lady having a slump in dating. Funny your post pops up and confirms my suggestion.Good luck my friend!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (5 October 2013):
You seem like a legitimately good guy. I think you should do exactly as you said, and ask her out for coffee sometime. tell her you'd love to actually get to chat outside of the library for a change. Worst case, she says no. Best case, you get her digits! Go for it!
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