A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been having girl troubles for about the past month and she's playing the whole"I love you and I want to be with you... someday... just not now." act. We have been together for about 1 year and lived together for about 3 months. Everything went swimmingly and very were more in love than is imaginable. Then after about a month of separation due to work related issues she started getting cold feet and pushing me away, telling me she needed space. Telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me, just not right now.And now I suspect that she may have started flirting with another guy. I don't know to much about what's gone on between them other than I know they made out. She denies having feelings for anyone else and says her and this guy are just acquaintances. A kiss is something I can forgive if it was a sort of a "weak moment" kind of a mistake as I had one of those myself. After the "break-up", drunk and feeling very rejected an old high school aquaintance kissed me and I kissed back, it lasted about 20sec. The very next day I rang this girl up and told her it had been a mistake and that I loved someone else. Told her I was a mess and shouldn't even have been drinking, let alone kissing other girls. So honest mistakes or moments of weakness I can forgive. If she however is having a fling with this guy and enjoying every minute of it... wellthen I don't know...Frankly and honestly I'm just getting kinda fed up with the situation although I do still love her more than anything. I love her like the air that I breath and will do anything for her but I feel like I get nothing back. So right now I think I have 3 options.Just fly out there, to where she lives, we're separated by a bit of distance right now. Just show up and go "Here I am, willing to do whatever it takes".Supposedly women like men of action and want to be swept of their feet.Cut all ties and just move on with my life, hoping that she'll start missing me and want me back or that one day we'll run into each other again and make it work.Supposedly women don't like needy men andignoring them makes them want you more.Cut all ties, disappear and never ever look back leaving her to do whatever she wants with her life and try and find something new to do with mine. Who cares what women think anyway!What do you think?Does she need a man to come and show her what he's got? Does she need an endless amount of time and space to realize what she's missing out on? Or, maybe, she just doesn't give a shit either way and half waywishes I'd go away?I know what I have to do for myself and I will do those things, however I would very much like to have her a part of it if she'd letme...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): Dear AskEve, thank you for the reply but I think you may have misunderstood. We did live together for 3 months not just 1. I moved into her place (my stuff is still there in fact) and then I had to go away for work. After a 1/2 - month after I leave when it starts happening. As for this guy, I really don't know what's going on there and I don't really know that I care so much anymore. I know that I'm way better than him in every way and I have a very strong tendency to believe that she feels the same way. That this thing with him might have been her way to try and move on, or more importantly convince the world that she's moving on. But I really don't know...
Dagwood, thank you too for your reply. I think you absolutely right in your advice. And it's advice that I plan to try my damned hardest to follow. I'm going to start it off by taking a week off to see friends abroad, leaving the computer, email, myspace, skype and the mobile at home. As for other women that's nothing I'm worried about myself, I've been down that road in the past and it doesn't excite me and I know it's not a cure in any way how hard you may try and convince yourself it's what you need. I don't have an interest in other women and that's that, I've got to be honest with myself.
About the continuation though... I'm taking a break from this, leaving her be. Don't know if, how or when I'll approach again her though.
I've written out one heartfelt memory of our time together along with a single small heart on a page. I've got a decent stack by now. It's a metaphor for a fraction of the pieces she's broken my heart into. The heart I'd given to her and she's trying to return. I was thinking after a period of healing, maybe a month, I might send them to her one by one and then at the end explain the metaphor to her. Explain to her how she broke my heart and how I sent the pieces back because they belong to her, I gave her my heart to keep. Telling her that even though I was picking up the shattered pieces I still loved her and that they were hers to do with as she pleased.
And once I'd done that I'd shut the book and continue my life.
I don't know if I'll go through with my plan but it's been helpful writing them because in the end I do appreciate everything we had. I will take my period of healing alone, then we'll see.
A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (30 March 2007):
 Hi Anon. This is a tough time I understand, been in a similar situation myself and because I handled it wrong I lost the lady. What I recommend you do is send her some flowers and a nice love letter, saying exactly how much and why you love her and why she makes you happy. Then tell her you're giving her the time & space she needs and then don't contact her for at least three weeks to a month. And when you do you must be cool and not pushy, just seeing if she's ok etc. and telling her what a fun time you've been having with your friends but don't rub her nose in things like going out with other girls as it won't win you any points either. If she contacts you during the break; be cool and don't be pushy or needy! She needs to know what she's missing and start missing you, let her really commit to being with you in the long term before you do. If she does not then I'm afraid you'll just have to let her go. Hope it works out. Take care.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (30 March 2007):
 There is more to this than meets the eye I'm afraid. She moved in with you and a month later (due to work related issues) she moved out again. I think the "work related issues" involved this guy you're talking about and I also think there may have been more than a kiss involved.
Yes, I agree you need to be assertive here, you sound like a really lovely person, kind, caring and compassionate. She doesn't deserve you. She's NOT in love with you, she doesn't know the meaning of the word. If she was she'd still be with you right now instead of giving you vague excuses. True love conquers all but it's got to be reciprocated I'm afraid, it doesn't work if it's one sided. If I were you I would send her an email and let her know she DID mean a lot to you, in fact you thought she was "the one". Whether you both get together in the future I don't know but let her know you're certainly not waiting around and from this day forth are moving on with your life.
There's definitely more to her relationship with this other guy than she's letting on, you can count on it!
Eve
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2007): Hi, I'm the original poster.
Thanks for your reply Nologo. I can tell you this much about her. She's 24. I was her 3rd boyfriend and her 4th lover. I was the oldest and most mature of them, although seemingly not mature enough. She'd never lived with anyone of them and she'd been living on her own for about 1-2 years.
I'm 29. I'd had 2 long term relationships before. One for 6 years and ended in boredom, us growing apart. The other lasted 2 years. It was very turbulent and ended in a complete crash and depression. After that one I stayed single for a long time, had lots of lovers and "friends" but could not see myself trusting anyone or settling with anyone until she came along.
We had a pretty long and restrained courtship.
We had a long distance relationship for a long time but out of the year that we were together we spent 6months in total in each others company. In between when we were apart we'd talk on the phone for on average 2 hours a day but most times more, at one point our conversation lasted for 8 hours! That's how well we got along. And every minute spent in each others company was heaven and we've both agreed that the 3 months we lived together couldn't have been better. That was only a month ago that we said that and that she proclaimed how much she loved me. That was about the time she started hinting at us breaking up.
She's a musician and she's very career driven. She doesn't like her current situation with concerns to career and living arrangements and is striving to change that. Sometimes I feel like that has a lot to do with why she won't allow herself to be with me now.
At the same time I do love her and would do anything. I feel like the feelings we have/had for each others are well worth saving and that we could quite easily work through our obstacles.
I guess if she really is doing this because of her career I can respect that and understand in a way even though it's very hurtful to feel that she can't see a way of working this out together. However, if she is indeed getting interested in someone else then that's a whole different ball game and I feel I need to know.
All in all she is, to my knowledge, a very caring, very loving but also very conserved person. She's conserved when it comes to her emotions and strangers and she hasn't been known for going for any guy that comes along. She's very beautiful and has had every opportunity to do that if she wanted to. It takes someone very special to impress her and from what she originally told me this guy is quite unimpressive. But what do I know?
I guess the other thing that strikes me about this and makes it harder to deal with is that I also know her to be very honest and upfront about everything. In the past she has told people straight out if she wasn't interested, was interested in someone else or thought that for some other reason it wouldn't work. She's never been afraid to tell me anything and our relationship has been based on honesty.
Maybe I was wrong...
And I guess that's a big part of it for me. If I don't think this has anything to do with me, I'm amazing in every way (yes, I'm that cocky and I've got more than decent self-esteem) but I guess if this is the case, that she is being dishonest and leading me along then I have misjudged her and I guess that hurts quite a bit too. I don't like being wrong.
When I said, "I know what I have to do for myself" I meant that I have my own path to happiness. I know what I need to do to secure my life and make myself happy in what I do in life. That's a process I am in right now. That process does, however, in no way exclude her and I could very easily work my path to accommodate her if she wanted it. In fact my path does include her in as much as I know that any successes that I have would be made so much sweeter by having her by my side and I would want her to share in them just as I'd want to share in hers.
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A
male
reader, nologo  +, writes (30 March 2007):
 This question is more complicated than it seems.
Advice is obviously not what you are looking for:
"I know what I have to do for myself and I will do those things".
You are asking people here what is her motivation, right?
Lack of the following information prevents from giving you accurate answer:
Where you met her and under what circumstances it happened.
She is definitely playing a game with you, but what for?
Cannot calculate what type of girl she is, not with my experience.
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