A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really and truly love my wife and she is also my best friend and i'm not a jerk but over the past few years she has put on some weight enough to shut down my sex drive i would never tell her to lose weightand i would never stray but i am also worried about her health.i dare not bring up the subject because i knowshe would be greatly offended.but at the same time like many men i am surethe more weight she gains the less i want or think about sex.does this make me a bad person/husband.
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best friend, lose weight, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Vlad76 +, writes (23 March 2009):
I had a similar problem with my girlfriend. She cut her hair short after several months of relationship. So I had a discussion with her. I told her, that she is a wonderful person and I really love being with her. And I treasure her friendship. But for me to have sex with her, I have to get turned on. And guys get turn on by what they see and nothing else (unlike girls). That's why we have magazines like Playboy, or we have lingerie, etc. And she is not the person I met any more. If I was attracted to girls with short hair, I would be approaching girls with short hair. And the same, if I was attracted to fat girls, I would be approaching fat girls. So, she went a head and got extensions in her hair, to keep me having sex with her.
I don;t think that there is anything wrong with saying this to your partner. Maybe it sounds shallow to you girls, but when a guy approaches you, its because of your looks that he is attracted to. Nothing else. At the moment when he starts talking to you, he knows nothing about how wonderful person you are and even later when you are having sex with us, it's because we are attracted to your beauty and physical properties. Nothing else. Your personality or intelligence, does not turn a guy on. And just out of curiousity, question for you girls: Would you ever have sex with a guy who doesn't turn you on? I bet anyone that the answer is NO. So what makes you think that a guy will want to have sex with a girl who doesn't turn him on?
So, I think that if this lady want's to turn her husband on again, she needs to sign up with some gym in her area and get on some diet. I see no other way.
A
female
reader, aunty_rach  +, writes (4 February 2009):
ok i don't think anyone should tell someone to get a divorce. that's not going to really help.
just make sure you take part in her weight loss. food shop together, cook together, take up an activity together. you will both be fit and healthy in no time.
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A
female
reader, dr.2.be +, writes (1 February 2009):
 hello,I dont think this makes you a bad person. Just whatever you do, dont tell her she is fat or that she has gained a lot of weight as this will only hurt her feelings and wont do any good at all. If I were you I would include her in weight loss activities such as walking, bicycle riding, and maybe a little running if she is up to it. Another idea is to start going food shopping with her, start buying lots of fruits and veggies and lay off the fatty red meat ( ie pork, ground beef, hot dogs, bacon, etc. ) and opt for chicken, lean steak, fish, and turkey. Encourage cooking healthy meals such as chicken and veggie stir fries, steak and veggie meals, etc. Searing fish in a pan with cooking spray is a great alternative to frying an it saves lots of calories. As a dessert, you may want to offer her some frozen strawberries blueberries or maybe a melon slice. Instead of ice cream or cookies. Prepare and have these meals together, exercise with her and she will soon lose weight. As with all women when we lose weight, it is a very proud feeling. Not only will she become happy with herself but your relationship may grow stronger since you will be doing these things together. Good Luck!!
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A
female
reader, xxstaceyxx +, writes (1 February 2009):
heya
Just because you wife has put on weight doesnt mean she is any less sexual. Some men would be blessed it more to grab hold of type of scenario. However, is this just an excuse the weight issue that you just dont feel the same about her anymore if that the scenario and you feel you cant cope with it then you should really have a divorce.
You say you dont wana stray and you cant encourage her to lose th weight because she might get offended about how she feels but lately have you realised how she may be feeling.
putting on weight can make any woman appear less confident and by you not wanting to have sex with her and show her she is beautiful physically can make her self esteem plummet the the bottom. I suggest you sit her down an see how she feels and what she has noticed because a woman can be quite offended by the fact that you might be more interested in looks than her personality which can make you appear shallow.
I think the only thing you can do is talk to her because she may not be happy with your body either you know but she loves u to much to tell
think about it
stacex
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (1 February 2009):
i can't believe what Leonardo said! that if she does not loose weight then she is not a good wife. how fudging backward and stupid is that! what is wrong with some men? sorry but that reply made me so angry, i feel sorry for any woman who goes with him.
like i said before you are probably not perfect yourself, so therefore you BOTH should take up healthy eatting and an activity, which will show you BOTH support eachother and want to spend more time together. make out you are the one who wants to loose some weight or tone up and that you could use her help and it would help you if you BOTH do it.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 February 2009):
The key word you really REALLY need to use here is:
"We"
Mention that you stood on the scales this morning and it scared you. (I very much doubt you are in the gym every day and perfect so there will be no harm in this being a joint effort.)
Ask her if she would help you get trim and say that with it being new year still you think you should take up something that will exercise you both and not have snacks and unhealthy stuff to eat in the house.
"How about if we tool up salsa dancing, or bought some bikes, or started making salads to take to work" sounds a lot better than "you need to shape up."
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, MaBelle +, writes (1 February 2009):
Its nice that you are being so honest but im more glad its just to us as you can not say that to your wife it would hurt her too much. The best thing to do is to implement a healthy eating plan into the house and introduce exercise but claim its because you want to feel healthier and you would like it if she would join you as it would be easier when you have someone to help your will power. Then suggest things like how great it would be to go on holiday next year to somewhere sunny and how you would both look so good on the beach. If you have something to aim for it might encourage her. Basiacaly make it a joint thing so you dont have to hurt her feelings and it becoming healthy will only help you too.
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A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (1 February 2009):
 personally, i would be crushed if my b/f ever said i was fat and i turned him off, so whatever you do, don't say tht to her!I think if you both change diets [healthier ones obvs] and take up an exercise together [maybe a jog around the block every morning?] then you can BOTH lose weight, and your partner will feel supportedgood luck :)
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A
male
reader, Leonardo  +, writes (1 February 2009):
Well, you don't want to "stray", an you don't want to tell her to loose weight. And you don't want to have sex with a fat wife.It looks to me like you are stuck. In my opinion, a husband and a wife are suppose to communicate and sometimes the subject of the communication is not so pleasant. If you don't start a conversation with your wife about her weight problem soon, your entire marriage is going to blow up in your face. Tell her to go to a doctor and find out why she is getting fat. If she is not sick, tell her she must eat smarter, start some vigorous exercise. Set a goal, like loose a minimum of 3 pounds per month - if she fails, then I she is not the kind of person I would want as a wife. She needs to learn some serious self-discipline. Failing that test tells me she's not suitable to be called a wife.
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A
female
reader, aunty_rach +, writes (1 February 2009):
you're forgetting one important thing....how do you think it is making her feel?
when a woman puts on a little weight she starts to feel unconfident and unsexy. with you not wanting sex with her, probably is not helping her feel good about herself. also have you had children? is it baby weight or just general weight gain?
also did you ever think that maybe there is something that she does not like about your body, but is too nice to tell you? you can't force her to loose weight if she does not want to, and you can't tell her that you think she is fat. that would just make her feel much worse. what you should do is maybe suggest that BOTH of you go on a healthy diet and take up an activity together. that way it's not all about her and what's the harm in you getting healthy too.
you can't tell me that you are 100% perfect and happy with your weight! so do it together as you both need to support eachother.
also it's pretty shallow that men go off sex just because the so called loves of their lives put on a few pounds. you should love her for who she is, especially if you married her. she will never stay the same weight throughout her life.
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A
male
reader, 24yeahright  +, writes (1 February 2009):
How much weight are we talking here? You didn't say she was greatly overweight, so I'm assuming the problem can't be that bad... Is the weight just something you're using as an excuse?If she's obese then I doubt she's happy about it, and she would probably appreciate it if you came up with some ideas about how to keep healthy. ie.. Healthy meals, daily excercise (biking perhaps)Overweight people seldomly like being overweight.
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