A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:OK, i love my girlfriend. but i have an ongoing source of frustration. background: we've been dating for 2 years, she moved to my state to be with me, we talk about marriage maybe next year....issue: if i express a need, it becomes a "complex" for her, and the need is even less met.for example, we're no longer having sex, b/c she has expressed that her famliy values make her want to wait for marriage, even though we had a sexual relationship for the first 18 months. i was ok with this and suppoer her in this, but i didn't think it would mean "zero physical intimacy" whatsoever. yes, we hold hands, we kiss, etc., but in bed....nothing. not even a back-scratch.she said i should assume the status quo, though perhaps we might re-introduce some sexual stuff eventually...for the 1st 3 months, i was totally frustrated and confused. whenever i would express a need for more intimacy (anything...e.g., a nice back rub!), she would respond:"You asking me only creates a complex in me. It makes it feel not natural." So basically, if i have an unmet need, by asking and communicating, i'm making the need even more unmet....OK, so i waited 3 months, where i let her have total control, even though quietly at home (we live in separate place), i'm feeling more and more distant b/c it feels like physical stuff is 100% me by myself, if you know what i mean.so, her happinness is increasing, my happiness is decreasing. basically, her #1 thing is that she needs to feel "i accept her." b/c i've said nothing, she feels accepted, and her happiness goes up.BUT!...the other night, she asked me to give her a back rub. to me, i was resentful at the request, b/c i always give her backrubs, but she never offers me one. so this time (even though 100 out of 100x before this i would just do it)....i said: "you know, i understand you're not feeling comfortable pleasuring me, but i don't understand why that is true, but you're all about asking me pleasure you?"HER REACTION: boom, 3 months of "accepting her" went out the window. now, we're back at square 1. by raising this issue, i'm not accepting her. So what do i do, when expressing my need becomes her complex? I always thought guys stumble b/c they don't communicate....in my case, it feels like if i communicate something, it only makes things worse.Thanks for your help. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): o.k., I guess what I don't understand is 'what's holding up marriage' between you two? 18 months is a long time to be 'living married', then she decides (feels guilt) to wait for physical intimacy after marriage...so if you both love each other, wouldn't it make you both happy to 'be married'? just a thought.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 March 2009):
 You two are building resentments up and not communicating effectively at all. This has to be quick because I have to run but I'll try to get the points across.
I know a bit of what she's feeling, the move to be with him. You give up everything and it's really really hard to do. He doesn't know the internal turmoil that you go through, the teeny doubts that ask 'am I making the right move here?' He has no idea all that you've left behind and assumes that you are going to be totally ecstatic to be there, when in fact, you have a mourning period to go through. You have to mourn the loss of your past life. It's unrealistic of him to expect only happy smiles and oh honey it's all good. Because it is not. You miss your old life, your job, the people you knew and hung out with, the places you went, the potential of a life there. So keep that frame of reference in mind when you talk with her.
That said, she does need to be able to talk about things with you without taking it all personally and getting upset. That is immature--but don't tell her that.
I think you are going to have to be less emotional about your response to her reactions. You are going to have to convince her to learn to 'fight fair'. How to have a discussion without it deteriorating into the same old pile of resentments. That pile is growing on both sides. Time to face it with compassion and care and love. Her too.
I don't like the rather artificial 'no sex' condition but perhaps it is an extreme reaction to the feeling that she's done EVERYTHING for you and you just want more and more of her. The one thing she can control is access to sex and she's might be getting even with you by withholding, this is all subconscious on her part, mind you. It's not deliberate thought or strategy.
I've posted rules for fighting fair before, I'll try to find a link to one of those questions, but it will be later. You might try googling my name Tisha-1 and rules for fighting fair in the search box on the upper right hand of the page in the meantime.
Then sit down with her, do not talk about the sex issue, do not bring up the withholding physical intimacy issue, talk to her about the issue that you don't feel you can discuss things without it turning into a fight.
Now, be very aware of your own resentment-which is real and understandable-but also be aware of hers, which is also real and also understandable.
Sorry for the quick and rather incoherent nature of my answer, but I wanted to get it posted before I lost my train of thought on it.
I'll check back here later, and PM me if I forget to look for that link for you.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (16 March 2009):
 You deserve better. You deserve a woman who appreciates that you are communicative.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): Sorry, but I have to agree with Satindesire. She is being selfish, and controlling and using some gobbly-gook double talk to justify her behavior.
She wants to be your Queen, and you her loyal subject! Some men do communicate well. And most women love that...unless it foils there plans of controling the situation. Self-centeredness comes in both genders! She is playing you, Dude!
The fact that she won't even give you a back rub, shows you, she isn't interested in pleasing you at all! Are back rubs against her family values???? It sounds like a crock to me. I'm glad you refused to rub her back! You need to take some control here, and quickly.
I would suggest you take a look at the facts and ask yourself, is she worth it with all her baggage? If you answer that with a yes...I wish you luck, it will be a long hard road ahead!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): ok, i think i didn't create a "total picture." this girl has sacrificed a lot for me (remember she moved across the country, left her family, just to be here with me...
also, she does a lot of things for me and the "giving" is not entirely one-way (e.g., this past weekend, joined me while i was studying, cooked dinner, went to the store & bought a gift for my nephew, had fun doing it & wrapped it, couldn't wait to c my family, they lover her, ...
but where things are lacking...is the physical intimacy. she has a huge complex about it, b/c made it an issue awhile back, and now late the other night, things fell to pieces, b/c she couldn't handle the topic when i raised it.
i seriously don't know what to do. if i'm honest & communicate, it blows up...and b/c of the nature of the thing, i guess she just wants me to accept her & know that the physical stuff will come later (after we're married)...
me, i miss it, we used to have it, i'm not asking for sex, just physical intimacy....and to feel that emotional/physical connection.
girls out there that want their guy to be happy holding her...nothing more, this is probably very similar. so if that's the "girl's need," what do you do when the "guy's need" is more?
even worse, how do you handle someone who has a hard time taking the feedback and responding better, not worse?
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A
male
reader, Johnnyboy03 +, writes (16 March 2009):
 Complex, complex situation. This is no fun. I feel for you a ton. I actually had a similar situation. It was all give. She had issues, and even if they were uncomfortable, we worked through them together, meanwhile I had to keep my mouth shut about things that bothered me, or else she would become horribly upset, and we would take 3 steps back. I really don't think what she is doing to you is intentional. She is just one of those people who don't process other people's emotions well. I don't knw if you have tried this, but have you ever just been like, I understand your values, but I need some intimacy in my life, can't we compromise? She sounds like a fairly logical, but not emotional person. You might try talking to her in a non-emotional way. What you did, probably threw her off, because it was kind of an emotional outburst. Try approaching the subject more analytically.
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