A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey, i am not sure if am doing this for advice or just to get it off my chest.i met this girl a while back. we dated for a short time before she said it wasnt going to work. she never gave me a reason why. i was crushed when she said it cos it was her who asked me for my number and she was really keen to tell people we were gf and bf, so i thought she wanted to be with me. since then we have become better friends and more open with each other.the problem i'm having is getting over her. i developed strong feeling for her quite quickly because of how perfect she was for me. she was everything i could ever want. she has gone out with two other lads since we broke up but both failed cos they werent there for her and only after one thing. one of them she really likes and she want a to try a serious relationship with him but he isnt ready cos hes come out of a bad relationship, but i get the feeling hes used her and doesnt really want to be with her.over the past couple of weeks i havnt been able to understand any of the things she does. i cant decide if what she means when she does them and i cant decide if she is doing these things deliberately or she doesnt know she doing them. these are the four things i'm having problems with{the bits in the brackets are what is going on in my mind};1)on several occasions when we been on our own talk has become very sexual. she says things that she knows turns me on. she has also done things like stand in front of me and then bent over in a sexual position, but if i ever started anything she'd would get annoyed with me.{i cant decide whether some of this is inapproriate behaviour}2)we only meet when she wants to. if i ask her if she wants to meet up the reply i normally get is no or sometimes i dont get a reply at all. when she want to meet i'm straight out the door to go and meet her.{i get this feeling she is using me}3)when we talk she sometimes talks about other guys that she fancies. i asked her if she wouldnt do that with me because i dont like it and i get jelous. on occasions she has still talked about them with me and then she says something like "oh i forgot you dont like me talking bout them". {i dont know if she does this by accident or if she does it on purpose to get a reraction out of me}4)the other day she did something that annoyed me and she knew i wasnt happy with her. she then came up to me and gave me a hug and said "you cant stay mad at me for too long because you love me too much" its the second time she mentioned my feelings for her. the problem was the way she said it. i told her a while ago that i was in love with her. {i get the feeling she enjoys the fact i've got feelings for her cos she can then say things and knows i wont get annoyed with her. i cant decide if she uses how i feel about her.}*this girl suffers from depression and i know some of her different moods are down to this but i dont normally see her unless she's in one of her good moods.*my appolgies for the rambling and if anything doesnt make sense but theres just too much in my head to condense it down to as short as possible but i needed to get this out of my system. it is really doing my head in. any advice or your opinions about her behaviour is welcome. your personal experiances/links to other questions are welcome as well.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Ohh these girls.... She probably had issues with male figures when she was younger. Essentially, she's acting like a guy in her situation would--flirty and sexual, she wants drama, exoticism. She's very open, vibrant, and animated. She obviously likes you, but seeing as it sounds like you are wide open to her, she feels she's got you pegged. And that makes her bored. She wants what she can't have.
Relationships are power games: there is almost always one who's in power and one who isn't; if you are the one in power you play with the other, get what you want, but always have a subtle sense of superiority and a subtle distaste for the one you're controlling.
As unromantic as that sounds, the best answer is to go into a relationship understanding that you are equal. You both have wants and needs, strengths and weaknesses; you both have equal rights and responsibilities and you both have the ability/power/option to leave anytime something pushes you the wrong way. Then you are perpetually flowing back and forth, which keeps both parties interested.
Simply put, you need to take some control back from this girl cuz she's bored and definitely show her you are not a doormat. She obviously really had hopes for you so make that happen! I like that first guys answer really well, I just wanted to throw some psychology into it.
A
male
reader, Ignorance  +, writes (4 May 2009):
Run my friend! Away from this girl. She is a professional teaser, she is just teasing you and using you in order to satisfy her selfish needs for attention and boost her ego. She doesn't give a damn about you, people who care don't behave like this. She found your week spot, that is your love for her, and she is playing with it like a toy to amuse herself and for the reasons i mention above. You find it hard to believe huh? You wonder, how come this sweet girl can in fact be the devil in disguise. You wonder how can a girl play with your feelings just for fun? Well, in my 20s I was wondering the same thing. Now in my 30s i have the experience and good judgement to recognise almost instantly this type of a girls and just completely ignore them, live them alone to hang by their own insecurities and narcissistic attitute. Run! Ignore her!
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (4 May 2009):
 You're her backup plan. Next time she asks you to hang out say "No, I'm busy." Start hanging out with other girls, soon she'll realize what she's missing.
Good luck, if she doesn't come around then don't be afraid to check out what's out there.. plenty o' fish in the sea!
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A
female
reader, Scarlettxx  +, writes (4 May 2009):
 I understand completely where you're coming from, I was in a strange sort of relationship like that a while ago. I'm going to be brutal with you, stay away from her for a while until you can get over her because she's obviously got some issues that she needs to deal with herself & it's not fair that she's bringing you down with her.
First of all I know it's hard but you've got to realise she's just teasing you because she likes the attention. It's human nature. It's also unfair on the other person whose getting mixed signals.
You're only young, like myself & you've got to realise there are plenty more fish in the sea & I'm sorry I'm being so cliché here. Use this as an experience & move on.
When I was with my ex he used to never reply to my messages when I tried to arrange meeting up with him, he used his female best friend to make me jealous & I could on & on... One day I just had enough of the heartache & I moved on... & I regret letting him away with so much but he's out of my life now & I'm happier for it.
You should maybe talk to her & tell her you're sick of her behaviour because you're getting mixed signals & then if she doesn't cop on then just go, concentrate on yourself for a while, leave her to deal with her own issues.
You sound like such a nice guy but some people don't appreciate niceness all the time, believe me.
This girl will only bring you down & crush you even more. It can also be human nature to be attracted to people who don't necessarily treat us right but you've got to leave her, get over her & concentrate on yourself. She could realise what she's missing & come running back but don't pin all your hopes on it & if she does be wary.
I wish you the best of luck :)
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