| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey, I would really appreciate some advice here! I have been obsessed (this is an understatement) with this guy for a year now and for most of this time we have not been on speaking terms. He claims to hate me and my feelings towards him vary greatly between obsessive, non-sexual adoration and extreme anger/hatred. We attend the same college so we are forced to see each other every day, however, we deliberately ignore each other. Often, if I am with somebody he knows he will come over and start a conversation with them without acknowledging my presence, which I find very immature and frustrating. He is 18 and I am 15, our birthdays are in late Summer/early Autumn.I first met him in January last year when we went on a theatre trip together he offered to buy me something to eat since I didn't have any money and somehow we ended up talking, although I thought nothing of it since I am not psychically attracted to him. I did not see him again until I randomly added him on Facebook in May (having no idea who he was) and he started talking to me again, claiming that he missed talking to and felt rejected because he thought I was "crazy cool" just like him. I was flattered by this so I chatted to him about everyday things and his messages seemed quite flirtatious. We starting meeting for lunch every day or so, after a week I enjoyed the security of having him to talk to as I do not relate well to other people, and, ridiculous as it may sound, I found out he was left-handed and a Leo (we are starsign compatible 0 I am extremely superstitious, also, I had written on Facebook sarcastically that "if you are left-handed and curly-hair I am liable to fall hopelessly in love with you, so do please stay away for your own benefit", which I assume he had read... he fits this criteria. Now you must understand I tend to read into things very deeply, however I put on an attention-seeking/superficial front to make life easier - for this reason I decided to go around telling anybody who would listen that this guy was obsessed with me. I wasn't really thinking when I did this.After knowing each other for 4 days we had a massive argument, and he started telling me that he has been raped as a young boy, was abused by his parents, got bullied at school, and he thinks he might be Autistic. Basically spinning sob-stories. I might also add that he has spent his whole life travelling around while I have always wanted to do this but never had the opportunity... it could also be said that I am quite melodramatic, to the extent I would liken myself to Scarlett O’Hara, I find this idea very romantic. He tells me after attempting the sympathy vote that he has the "urge" to tell me these things and I told him that I found it very difficult to treat people because I always seemed to end up in situations where I've in love with people and the feeling wasn’t or could not be reciprocated, to which he replies " well I wouldn't have started talking to you if the feeling wasn't reciprocated,He then tells me "that’s why I love you (my name) because you say what you think and you do what you like and you don't care what other people think of you"He corrects me when I tell him this is all a little intense, saying that we have not known each other for 4 days infact we have known each other since January (I had forgotten him entirely?)After a long discussion we exchanged phone numbers and I felt really happy about this (I am usually displaying constant cynicism), because I had found someone who thought I was worth something and I could relate to him. We continued to talk for quite a while and see each other daily, however, after an episode in which I had gone to the college (where he lives as a boarder) out of concern that he had not answered my phone calls, we talk for a while, hug each other that sort of thing, later of that day he turns round and tells me I am too "intense" (this I do not disagree with) and anyway he would never go out with anyone as young as me (it had never occurred to me this might be an issue before since all the guys I had been attracted to previously had been alot older than him.)*(I am almost certain that he is a virgin and has never had a real girlfriend, he is in fact quite socially inept), amongst other things. I was understandably furious (in a sense of feeling humiliated), however we spoke a few more times and discussed the issuers between us |(sometimes initiated by him) and it all seemed pretty much amicable. I was still a little annoyed with him. Over the summer he went back to the country in which his family currently lives for 2 months and I went to stay with my aunt in a third world country. We had no contact during this time, except I sent him a friendly and slightly kooky birthday message because it felt strange for me not to. I did not hear back from him. When I returned to college I spoke to him a few times however I felt extremely awkward. People started talking about us (I am unsure where this stemmed from) and we became a popular form of entertainment if you like. He decided this was entirely my fault and sent me several abusive messages over MSN, in which he said that "he wanted to save his friends from being sucked into the world of a naive little girl like he was and save them all the trouble he went through" before telling me to "leave him alone" and generally throwing around pathetic insults before immediately signing online,. So, naturally, I have left him alone. He has tried to convince everyone at our college that I am a psychopath and convince them not to talk to me because, and he told one boy, he thinks I will "fall in love with them".H e also discussed the situation between us with the vice principal who then spoke to me about it.I am now ascertained in my belief that his tragic life is entirely fantasy as other people have also heard about this.I have not spoken to him for several months now, however, I see him most days.I recently deleted him on Facebook after he published status updates that were very clearly intended to insult me. We are both leaving in two months and since I love him very much (despite the way he has treated me) I would never forgive myself if I do not talk to him. I have consulted many psychics on this matter who have all informed me he is very much preoccupied at the moment however he is likely to talk to me a some point after we leave the college and at a time when people will not be talking about us, they insist that fate will bring us together in the end,. I am unsure of this. I am also very confused about my feelings towards him. He is certainly not conventionally attractive, he is very effeminate and is the sort of person who is usually a target for teasing and belittlement, he is, however, very self-conscious and likes to appear popular at whatever cost. I care deeply about him and I feel a great need to protect him from all the evils in the world, so I do not condemn anything he has done since I view him in this childlike demeanour, I continue to make excuses for him. I also feel the need to avenge myself against him and prove to him (ironically) that I do not need him or care about him, because I am extremely stubborn. If he initiated contact tomorrow I would probably tell him to go away and leave me alone. At the same time I am aware that I do not really know he anymore, he may well have changed a lot in the months gone by so I am not really sure what it is I want anymore, however, I feel unable to let him go. Often I feel quite depressed and worthless and the only way to escape from this is by reassurance that either he hates me very strongly or he cares about me… either from other people or by constantly analysing him. If, on the other hand, I believe he is disinterested I become very unhappy and withdrawn. If ever I see him with other girls (as friends and in groups) I become unnecessarily jealous and fixate on comparing myself to them and wondering how I could improve so he might talk to me. Everything I see or do reminds me of him in some way or another. I’m sure you get the idea by now – help!! xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Reeta  +, writes (5 May 2009):
I think that the best for you is to forget about this boy. He sounds extremely childish acting like that around you and insulting you on facebook and msn. There are people who are worth fighting for, but if you can't even say this guy is your friend and if he doesn't want you close.. why bother at all?
It seems that in his attempts to appear cool, he doesn't want his friends to see him with a 15 year old girl.. so things could eventually get better between you and him when you're not together at school and when he doesn't have the pressure of his friends anymore. But I wouldn't waste my time and thoughts on him.. if he wants to talk to you in the future, don't sit waiting for him to do so. Distract yourself and spend more time with other people, it's the best way of forgetting about him and of getting on with your life.
I do understand, though, that you want to have a word with him. What about a "final talk" to tell him whatever is in your mind and also to tell him that he can stop with the unnecessary insulting because you won't try to approach him anymore? You'd obviously have to have this talk when he's alone so that he will listen. And if he doesn't want to listen, don't feel bad.. you will have tried and that's what matters.
In a few words: this boy is not worth it.. one shouldn't attempt to have any kind of friendship or relationship with somebody who makes it so impossible and who isn't interested.
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