A
male
age
36-40,
*lyboy275
writes:Hey guys,Well i have a wonderful girlfriend that is most definately the best thing that has ever happened to me! This much i promise.....but i have a problem......I have come on this site and asked a couple times about what to do when dealing with her past.....she has quite a disturbing one.....but i will only deal with one issue for this question.....The week after my girlfriend turned 14, she lost her virginity to a 20 year old. She told me about this with openness but it is still quite apparent that it bothers her. I did ask her what happened, but she said that she couldn't remember and that she was really drunk. She said it was so bad in fact that he had to hold her up as he was carrying her into the room that they had sex. She said that the only recollection that she has about the incident is him being on top and her throwing away her bloodied underwear the next day. She never told any one about anything, and even her parents don't know about it. But i looked into it and it turns out that this guy got caught some months later doing the same thing with a 14year old......so now he is a registered sex offender.What makes me mad is that she defends the guy! She says that since she can't remember that she wont assume that she was taken advantage of and that his subsequent past has no bearing on this issue.....hell she even told me she doesn't have a problem with the guy.So i told her, if there is no problem, just call the guy up and ask him what happened not only for her to get closure, but for me! It just bothers me so much that she was so young and taken advantage of.What do you guys think?
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (13 April 2008):
 Wow. I know something about your feelings as a stepfather whose 16-year-old stepdaughter was raped at a party, yet she even later consented to more sex with the criminal and, in a way, defended him as well. It was more than I could understand at the time, after it all came to light months later. I wanted to hunt the bastard down and well, you know . . . change his life.
Perhaps like you, I am of the school that taught responsibility and reparation, but that does not always occur in reality.
Some good insights were offered here by "LazyGuy," but I think it all boils down to one thing: Many if not most women just accept that these things happen. The truth, I think, is that to some degree they invited the situation, or allowed it to happen, and somehow they can deal with it. As you mentioned, "She has no problem with the guy." Maybe she is better balanced than you in that she has put this in the past. That is where it belongs because "what is done is done." Now, what of the future?
A
male
reader, madflash +, writes (13 April 2008):
 Dude, get over yourself.The girl wants to let it go, so you should let it go. You have absolutely no idea what really happened back then, and maybe she doesn't either.Either you want revenge for your petty jealousy or you just want to make an issue out of it to find some truth that can't be found. It's gone. It's done and it's over.Move on with your beautiful woman and let the past die. Otherwise every single sexual encounter from her past, rape or consentual, painful or orgasmic will eat you up inside. Guys want to protect the women they love. That's natural. But you can't protect her from what already happened except by treating it the way she wants it treated.Protect her now and in the future. That's your job. Leave her past alone, or she'll end up resenting you. Just listen if she ever wants to share, but don't react except with empathy.Any other path leads to ruin.Good luck, dude. (As a guy I understand how that knot in your stomach feels. Just love her and let it go. The knot will untie itself.)
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A
male
reader, Smiffy  +, writes (13 April 2008):
 LazyGuy...you make complete sense...100% agree with you...excellent post
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 April 2008):
 You have to remember that I am middle aged and come from a country at least 10 years behind the US in some ways. So my advice is coming from somebody several decades behind the times, things might have changed.
This girl was drunk out of her skull at 14 at party with adults and a party where this girl could be taken to a room and be abused (in your country she was raped, just because of her age alone, the fact she was drunk just makes it even clearer) with nobody interfering.
She got issues, probably due to abuse in her past, most likely sexual in nature. She sees sex as the standard trade for affection/attention. That is how she gets noticed, she puts out so people don't ignore her.
To her it probably wasn't rape, he paid attention so she owned him sex. She would do it to any guy who gave her time of day, not because she is a slut or enjoys it, but because that is the way she sees relationships.
These type of girls are the perfect prey for abusers, prey who think they deserve to be prey, don't expect anything else.
As for her not taking offence, that is about control. It is similar to conspiracy theorists. If you think 9/11 was a goverment conspiracy what you a really saying is that you hope that somewhere someone smart and clever is in charge and responsible and controls everything and it all makes sense, not that a dozen people can just do this and throw the world into chaos.
If she admists she was raped she looses control. Right now she consented to the sex so she was in control of her own life.
Again abusers love this, the woman who makes up excuses for her husband loosing his tempter. In a situation she has no control over she seeks control by putting herself in control of his anger. If she caused it with her behaviour then in a way SHE controlled the beating and all she has to do to stop it is to stop whatever caused it. Don't work but read some of the posts, if you are careful you can spot this "logic" at work.
Women shouldn't walk in certain spots alone at night. Ever heard that? Realize what it means. If you says that blacks shouldn't walk certain streets at night for fear of being attacked all hell would break loose, but women are fair game.
If she confronts what happened she has to accept that she has no control over her own life, over what happened.
All of the above is just amateurish rambling probably complete gibberish but even so I think you got to be prepared for a world of hurt with this woman, it sounds like she has a lot she needs to deal with from her past and ultimately you might just be the guy she used on her road to recovery, not the man she will end up with it.
Be there for her as a friend, enjoy the good moments, bear the bad times but ultimately if it don't work out, don't hate her for it or become bitter. If she gets over it and she breaks off with you that might be part of the healing too.
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