A
male
age
41-50,
*he_blues
writes:My girlfriend of nearly a year told me a bit over a week ago that she was leaving me as she'd accepted a job in the country after going on a trip, and she's leaving in a few weeks. It was a very big shock to me as we had honestly been getting on really well. She said that she wanted to focus all her attention on her new job and so she didn't think we should stay together. The reality is that it is not actually that far away. I asked her if we could at least talk about her decision and she said we should give it a week and then we could meet.I left it for a week and then asked her if we could meet, she said that she didn't have time to meet but that we could talk by email. I said I didn't think I could tell her what I was feeling by email. Since then we've had no more contact.This has really hit me hard because we were getting along well, I love her very much and at the same time I know in my heart that she had feelings for me. I really don't want to lose her, but I don't know whether there is any way forward. Should I try to contact her again before she leaves? Can someone really change their mind completely about the other person in a week away? I feel I don't understand why she's decided to give away what seemed to me to be a blossoming relationship, and why she won't talk to me about it. Is there any point in trying to reconcile this? Is it possible that she felt she couldn't balance the two things? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, the_blues +, writes (21 October 2008):
the_blues is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. I wasn't actually putting words into your mouth, I was trying to understand what you were saying. I suppose part of me was hoping that this isn't out and out rejection. Thanks for your assessment of the situation.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Sorry, man. I've been where you are and I know what you're going through. I think I need to add a bit. I know it's going to hurt, but you have to hurt if you're going to get out of this.
Don't put words I never said in my mouth. I never said her job forced her to leave you. I did say she had a new wonderful chance and she wouldn't let you be the cause she would miss it. As you say, there isn't that much distance anyways, so she could have kept the relationship if she had wanted. And, if the distance were indeed very long (hello, Long-distance relationships), but she still wanted you with her, either she would offer you to go there, or she wouldn't have accepted that job.
Let's say there's another explanation to her behavior. Still, the hard and cold fact you need to deal with is that she is going away and does not want to stay in touch with you.
Like the human being you are, you're trying to soften the blow and you see good points where there is none.
This will sound like I hate women, but I don't. When a woman dumps you, she doesn't follow what we men would call "logic". There is a sense to make to her behavior, but not the one you, as a man, would expect. That is what every man means when we say "We don't understand women".
She said you should see the wildflowers. All right. One girl who dumped me gave me her home address, her telephone and sent me a CD that suggested she was very much into me, like one or two weeks before she sent me to hell. This happens. Don't look at how much in love you are, or how nice the relationship seems to you: focus on what she DOES. If she's not with you, the explanation is the least important thing at all. The important thing is she's not with you.
Wasn't it Napoleon who said "Pay attention to what I do, not to what I say"?
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A
male
reader, the_blues +, writes (21 October 2008):
the_blues is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer, it does make a lot of sense, even though it is very painful.
I think the thing that is especially hurtful is the fact that I can't even talk with her about it. But even more than that I am haunted by the fact that the last time I saw her she seemed genuinely warm, we hugged and kissed at the train platform right before she was going away. She had only just told me how beautiful the wildflowers are where she was going to, and she said (and I remember this very clearly) "I will have to take you to see the wildflowers someday."
So I realise what you are saying - she wasn't happy for a while and her new job forced her to drop me - but I just can't get my head around that. I honestly have racked my brains and it doesn't fit. She was stressed with a lot of things but we were on very good terms at the time she went away and then made her decision to leave.
Is there any possibility there's another explanation for why she has done this? Could it be that she doesn't think she can have both the job and the relationship? (Though I suppose if that's the case, it doesn't say much for the relationship?)
I really do appreciate your answer but I am honestly very confused, we were really doing well. I remember one of her closest friends saying to me that she'd never seen my girlfriend so happy. Can a person really put their feelings aside for their career, or do you still maintain that somehow things weren't going well at all?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Danielepew hit the nail on the head with that hammer.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 October 2008):
We have all been where you are now, so it's easy to see why you're feeling confused and why you come here for help.
The bad news first. She didn't suddenly lose interest in you. She lost interest little by little, over small but significant things that you missed but she very much noticed. I'm sure you missed some small and cryptic comments she began making. Something like "Gee, you're so funny".
She isn't happy with the relationship anymore. She said it very clearly: she wants to focus all of her attention on her job and doesn't think you should stay together. Breaking up is hard to do (thank you, Neil Sedaka), so she had been postponing the moment she would break the news. Now that she has a job somewhere else, which means, a new life, a new beginning, new possibilities, she just can't postpone it anymore and dumped you. You feel confused because her saying that she wants to focus on her job seems to mean that she wouldn't leave you if it were not for the job. But that's not the right way to read it. She honestly wants to focus on her job, and that's all she will do for as long as she doesn't find anyone else.
Sometimes one of the parties is absolutely happy with the relationship, to the point that s/he projects that to the other party and believes that "both of them" are living a life of bliss. This is a mistake, obviously. Let me give you an easy example: where I live, many men used to be very happy with the relationship with their wives: the wives cooked, cleaned the home, did the laundry, gave birth to many children without complaining, took care of children, took care of men, et cetera and cetera. That wss "the way of life".
I'm sorry that she wasn't clear enough when you asked her to reconsider. Instead of giving you false hope, she should have said something like "I'm sorry; I don't want to give you false hope. There is no way we can save this relationship". That would be hard, but at least would be clear and would show you the way to go from now on.
There is no point in trying to reconcile. There is a point, however, in your thinking that some time ago you were perfectly happy without her, and you will be happy again. All you need to do is give yourself a break. Go out, party, drink, get your feet firmly on the ground and find someone else. I know this won't be any easy, but that's the way to go.
Cheer up. The world isn't over. You're young and strong.
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