A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,I've recently been speaking to a girl that I got speaking to through social media. I just randomly messaged her one day and things took off and we've now been speaking for roughly two months. We went on a date after about 10 days or so, hit things off well and slept together and then continued to speak more and continue meeting each other.Fast forward to the current day I've realised that we have literally nothing in common at all and she's in fact really tame and doesn't do much compared to me. I can tell she really likes me and that she's starting to get attached by how she acts, but I don't think this has got the legs to go anywhere.She's really attractive, can tell she's a nice genuine girl but I honestly can't ever see myself wanting to call her my girlfriend. I know the right thing is to cut her loose and let her find someone that she's more compatible with but I'm a little unsure of how to approach the topic as I've never really had this conversation with someone before.She's currently on holiday so I'm going to stick it out until she's back as I don't want to hurt her feelings whilst she's away and potentially ruin her holiday making her think about me. I've cut the contact back slightly and I'm going to wait until she next asks to see me before bringing it up.I just need help with how should I phrase things as to not hurt her feelings as much? I just don't think we're the right people for each other and she seems a little boring and bland but obviously I can't say that to her face because she will find it hurtful.Thank you in advance guys
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the help guys.
I broke things off on Friday, basically saying I thought things moved a little too fast and we didn't get to know each other as well as we should of done which led me to believe we don't have much in common. I've been strung along in the past and said I couldn't do it to someone else so needed to end things.
She said she was upset over it but that she appreciated me telling her sooner rather than later.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 August 2017):
 There is no such thing as dumping someone without hurt feelings. Fact of life.
I agree that next time, maybe.... take the time to get to know the girl (IN PERSON - not over text or Facebook or whatever app) before sleeping with her and getting into a relationship.
Don't ghost her, tell her once she gets back. Rip the band aid off. Don't drag it out. And don't break up over text, man up and do it in person or at least over the phone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2017): Next time try getting to know her before getting her in to bed.
Tell her the truth. She deserves better.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 August 2017):
 I agree that if there's no spark, there's no spark and the best thing to do for both of you now is cutting ties without further ado. She will be hurt , since she likes you more than you like her- but you can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs, so, since you see no point in continuing the relationship, the sooner you end it, the better. Obviously you don't need to get personal and judgemental by telling her how bland and boring she is ; it will be enough that you tell her the rest of what you said in your post, ... there 's not enough compatibility between you to make you think of long term, or something along these lines.
I also agree even more with Anon 123. Easy for you to say : dating is all about getting to know the person and figuring out if you like her / him enough. Sure ; then DATE . Date first, go out for meals, walks, shows, have long conversations, find out each other's passions and interests, - THEN if it is going well, - have sex. I don't mean for ages - just the bare minumum to have a clue about how the land lies will be enough, maybe just a couple of months. I guess that you can keep it in your pants for a couple of months , if you chose to, even at your young age ? Of course boredom can set in , or incompatibilities can show up, even after a couple of months of dating, and after having got involved sexually. But at least you would have shown good faith, sensitivy and - class.
People are people, not ice creams or other commercial goods, to be consumed and discarded if you are not crazy about the flavour.
Now, most probably, she is going to feel used- even if you did not specifically mean to use her.
OTH, you also did not specifically mean NOT to use her , if you get what I mean.
And this will rankle a lot - as I am sure you will find out if you ever find yourself in HER shoes.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (21 August 2017):
 You're right OP, that's what dating is all about.... Till a point. You can test the waters and get a feel of things but you don't / didn't have to get physical. That's NOT a part of seeing if you get along. Things always get complicated when sex is involved. You're playing with feelings unless of course you're FWB. Anyway, now that you've decided, make a clean break, tell her that she's more suited for someone else and leave her alone before you cause more heartache
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 August 2017):
 Tell her that she's attractive, but you don't see this going anywhere because there isn't a lot you two have in common. Just tell her that it's best to go in different directions.
Do it face to face. You slept with her in person, so you owe her a face-to-face breakup, and you can absorb any reaction she has to what you have to say.
If she is into you, it's going to be tough on her, but cutting her loose now is the right thing to do. Stringing her along, even as a "friend", is not good. Make the break completely.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (20 August 2017):
 I think ending it is the right thing to do. If there's no spark then there's no spark, move on and don't drag it out. Two months IS a fair chance, it's not like you went on one date and then kicked her out of bed with no taxi fare. End it now before she's too invested in you.
Someone being nice is not enough of a reason to be in a relationship with them, because it gets to the point where you're only with them out of pity and not wanting to hurt their feelings by ending it. I've been there, and I really regret dragging out the relationship because I ended up hurting the woman a hell of lot more than if I'd just ended things after two months. I wasn't man enough to be upfront and tell her I knew it wasn't going to work from the start.
Bare in mind that she IS going to get hurt whatever way you do this. You can't be honest and tell her you don't want a relationship with her because she's boring, but try not to lie. If it was me, I would cut back on the contact and wouldn't meet up with her again, and if she pressed for a reason then I'd say something like "You're a great person, but I think we don't have enough in common for the long term. I do like you, but I know that there isn't a future for us".
Best of luck, chalk this one up to experience and find a woman that you want to spend time with, that you can laugh all night in bed with, that you can't get enough of.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): Next time buddy, keep it in your pants!
Lesson learned on how NOT to hurt another girl.
NEXT TIME, take it slow.
Do not sleep with her so soon and then discard her.
If there was no connection, I am sure you knew it deep down, but decided to get your rocks off anyway. And now you are back tracking to make yourself look like less of a heel.
It is not nice and it is not fair.
You simply have no idea how fragile a woman's heart is. Especially after she has SEX with you.
Hope she finds a guy who deserves and appreciates her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I agree maybe it was unfair of me, but isn't the whole idea of dating someone to find out whether you like them? Conversation was fine in the earlier stages, not unbelievable but it was enough for things to progress.
I should want to see her all the time shouldn't I? But I don't. I don't really feel the need to see her which is making me feel bad but it's as if I'm forcing this thing to work when to me it seems like it won't.
Just the fact I'm having these thoughts so early on makes me think it's not going to go anywhere. I think I've given it the benefit out the doubt but I really don't feel any deep underlying connection between us which is confusing me for her to be thinking that there is. We have such different interests and all she seems to be doing is staying in and relaxing whereas in the complete opposite.
She is a nice girl and I can tell she is, but she doesn't really excite me. Surely someone being nice isn't enough reason for me to consider staying around? I think it would make me more of a dick to keep her around whilst I'm working out how I feel.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (20 August 2017):
You say she's a genuine and nice girl. It's hard to find good people in the world and you might just be letting go of one. Thrill and passion don't last forever... goodness does.
It's unfair though, you were the one who contacted her and started things. Let her down gently and don't do this again. You should have held back from having sex. You basically used her for your pleasure and now when that's done and the heady sex haze has cleared, you want to break up.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 August 2017):
 Didn't Paul Simon write a song about this? Anyway I think if you make it quick and to the point it is probably best. Don't be hurtful. If you want to add a white lie about not being over your previous partner that might help her to not think it was her fault.
Are you sure you have given her a fair chance? Perhaps you should look before you leap next time.
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