A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do couples have to be united on everything? my boyfriend is frustrated because he feels like people treat him as less than. When I first met him, I saw that he was the butt of peoples jokes. That was 10 years ago. We've been together for 5 years and he has maintained this chip in his shoulder, even with friends we've had forever. I've asked my spouse to let some of our friends know how he's feeling, and that he'd like to not see them, but he refuses and insists that hell instead be a distant cold, but will be okay with seeing these friends of ours on a daily basis. It makes no sense to me, but this is his stance. he makes it seem as though he's getting the same treatment he got years ago, and in my opinion no one ever really teases or belittles him. He does have a habit of being very defensive and brittle and is upset with me that I don't say "you're right, they treat you like this". I see at times how he can perceive a negative experience, but mostly I think he's just so hurt my perspective/reason doesnt matter. He knows he should seek help for his mental wellbeing but is deterred by paying the copays for a long term Care. So it irks me that he refuses to get help to make peace with his past and find healthier outlets for his feelings aside from screaming and punching walls. Instead he'd rather say fuck the world and wants me to be on that team with him, I can't. Am I in the wrong for not coming to his defense more often? I don't want to reduce my friendships because he's mad at some people. How can I be absolved of guilt for trying to be me and still cool with friends if he feels slighted from them? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2017): It's impossible for couples to agree on every front. You may be a couple; but you have separate brains. We form our opinions based on individual thoughts, values, and experiences. That's the purpose of compromise. To have a broader point-of-view, to reach middle-ground; and to see what you can't see on your own without the help of others.
To be honest with you; I think that thing about co-pays is just an excuse. He can't/won't accept that he needs help; due to the stigma associated with getting treatment for mental-health. He thinks it will be admitting something is wrong, or he is "crazy." Therefore; he is even more concerned that he will prove what they've said is right about him. Pride and low self-esteem will not allow him to confront his faults head-on.
There's this weird thing about human-nature. Life-long grudges become so ingrained that some people would rather die than drop them. Their personal-traumas and pain become a part of their personality; and they actually fear parting with it. Fearing what will be left behind without it; because they don't really know who they are once these issues have subsided. Their pain defines them. There's no one else to blame; because they see themselves for the first time without pain as a mask.
Going to counseling yourself may not necessarily make him go; but sometimes you have to issue ultimatums. His behavior is challenging your marriage. He is having emotional-outbursts and tantrums that are threatening. Damages to walls and furniture costs more than co-pays. Not to mention neighbors hear all these goings-on. If you get stares, that's why!
You don't mention having children. Under the circumstances, it would not be a good idea. The conditions aren't favorable. Nor safe for a pregnant woman. If you do have kids, too much noise and violence will draw attention from concerned family, friends, or neighbors.
You didn't say it; but I suspect his behavior also frightens you. You anticipate long-term care; which means these bouts with anger are growing increasingly worse in severity. The fear is that these punches could land somewhere other than on walls. It is likely that they may, eventually. Hopefully he doesn't drink excessively.
You have to assess how this is affecting your marriage, your property; and how safe you feel during these outbursts. Then you have to lay-down the law that you can't stay, if he can't get help.
The truth is, you can't. I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't already ruffed you up, or hasn't come close. Women tend to omit these details; so they won't look too scared and to avoid advice to leave. Well, I'm reading between the lines, and the key-words were "long-term care." That says to me he has not only been at it for years, but it's getting worse; and you're getting tired of it. The very existence of your post alone means you're at a loss for ideas; and not sure what to do. On top of all this, he's stubborn.
You have to use drastic-measures with stubborn people. They have a very measured-sense of the harm they do to others. They grow bolder by the day; when they feel unchallenged. You're forced to walk on eggshells around them.
You have avoided and delayed any heavy-handed actions; no doubt fearing his reaction. Perhaps your own therapy will give you the courage and fortitude to decide when enough is enough; and you will no longer tolerate it under the same roof, and in your marriage. I just can't picture it being a happy marriage such as it is.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (20 August 2017):
 You could go to a relationship counsellor and ask him if your partner will go with you. In UK we have Relate. If he won't attend with you then go on your own. You will get support and be able to examine your feelings honestly. It will put everything in perspective.I think just making the decision to go will make you feel empowered.
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