A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago I was in a bad group of friends. Drinking, smoking weed, job after job, no hope for the future, and I was with a guy who back then seemed perfect but now not so much.When my Nan died, I got myself together, went back to college with the money she left me and started working in a care home. It really helped me get sorted and I made friends who weren't just interested in the things like parties, weeds and laying about all day.Well last year, my ex ( Who I broke up with when he didn't come to my nan's funeral ) messaged me on facebook to say happy birthday. I sent him a message back saying thanks, asking how he was ect.We ended up messaging each other a lot and a few times we met up if we were both out. He had a girlfriend, I was single. Well they broke up in January after she found messages from me, which were literally about work or gigs we'd been to nothing sexual at all. I understand he should of told her but I wasn't aware she didn't know we were talking, but she knew we'd become friends on the site again.Anyway, so recently since he became single again, he has been going into overdrive with the messages. It's every morning, and after work. I didn't mind it at first but now he's started commenting on my pictures and its obvious he is trying to flirt with me. I guess as much as a 19 year old can, I did love him and yeah I still find him attractive but I'm not interested in going back in my life. I only want to go forward. I'm hoping to start my nurses degree in the next year or two, and he is still living at home, smoking, drinking, and I'm past that.BUT I love talking to him again, and I have started chatting to others from our friendship group again, and it's been really good to see how everyone has changed and how much time has changed all of us. I don't want to lose his friendship if I upset him by telling him I'm not interested in anything but friendship or do you think I'm maybe imagining it?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 You don't, because it's not a friendship to begin with. His girlfriend was wise enough to spot it and kick him to the curb for his disloyalty in carrying on with an ex behind her back.
He's not interested in just friendship, and unless you're interested in flushing the life you worked so hard at having down the toilet, you need to stop carrying on with him.
You were with him at a bad point in your life. He revealed his true character to you when he didn't support you at your Nan's funeral and rightly broke up with you.
He has *NOT* changed. He mistreated his current girlfriend horribly, and she caught him and ejected him. You taking him back or even being friends with him is like getting food poisoning, puking, and then proceeding to eat the puke.
If you haven't figured out the metaphor, HE is the puke. You wouldn't have friends who mistreat women as platonic friends, much less some nostalgia jag you're in right now.
Don't expect that everything has changed. He's been demonstrating to you the whole time that he hasn't, but the flattering your ego is getting now as his paying attention to you is blinding you.
Unless you want your life to take a heartbreaking turn for the worse, you will remove him from your life 100%, or you won't be able to move on to another guy with better character, and I predict that you will have sex with this guy within 6 months of declaring that you only want to be friends with him. Not good.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 You cannot have it both ways, the kindest thing you can do is not have a friendship with him if he is wanting more. His relationship ended because you where talking to him a lot. It is time to let him go, if you don't want to go back their then break off contact and move on with your life and allow him to do the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): You put yourself into a triangle and need to remove yourself. Theres a lot of hurt with his ex and he will be emotionally flip flopping between you both if you continue with this emotional connection. Imagine how you would feel if your boyfriend did this to you. He should never have continued with the conversations behind her back. Thats a breach of trust. He doesnt know what he wants and your friendship is becoming too messy. His recent ex girlfriend is the casualty here. I feel for her because shes been emotionally betrayed. You only wanted friendship but it wasnt aporopriate when he was in a relationship. You know that deep down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): You're digging yourself a hole. You're stringing him along for old-time's sake, and he's taking it for more than it is.
Now he's on the rebound, after just breaking-up with his girlfriend; and how convenient it is that his ex just so happens to be in the picture. You get to enjoy being pursued. Just for the ego-boost, and some evidence he might still have it for you. Nice touch!
From where I stand, you sabotaged his relationship; because you don't want him for yourself. Yet it doesn't sit well with you he's with someone else either. You're not so naive that you'd think it would be cool with his girlfriend that you messaged him a lot. You're an ex!!! Suspicion about you began the moment she realized you exist. Exes only come out of the past to stir things up. It goes both ways. The recipient of the first-contact is intrigued by the potential drama, and everyone involved is playing with fire. He broke-up with her. That didn't even seem to phase you.
Well you've accomplished breaking-up his relationship. Intentionally, or unintentionally. In either case, the result is the same. It was over your messages, regardless of content. It was the principle! The audacity!
It doesn't matter who contacted who first. The minute you learned he had a girlfriend, you should have just gone on with your life, and just ignored him.
If you're not interested, I recommend you just move on. Or karma will feast on you. He'll start to miss her, and she'll play on his emotions; while you'll start falling again. She'll just meddle; out of nothing more than scorn.
You'll get burnt in the process. It's all quite predictable. If you weren't interested, you never would have responded. If you're wise, you'll bow out gracefully; and avoid returning to the past. It's what you worked too hard to get away from.
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