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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:32 yr old male here...long story short..been with a girl 9 mo now and i love her deeply..we have been having some issues about her liking to go out alot more than i do and where we are at in our relationship. i recently found an e-mail from her to her friend stating that she'd be out every night of the week if it wasn't for me, and basically another saying "o great, my b/f is coming over tonight, what a blast"..they hurt me deeply and it came out as anger..i cursed, got upset and left..i called her a bad word and was furious that someone that says they love me is talking badly about our time together! i spend so much time trying to make things work, switching my schedule around for her and that is what i get? I haven't heard from her in three days..no apology, no anything..i know that looking at someone's e-mail isn't the best, but i suspected something was up with her and my curiosity got the best of me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): i don't go out that much as you know =) I will sign up and pm you tom if that is ok with you. Honestly though, maybe you can give me some additional advice..I'm not feeling the greatest about everything at the moment =(
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): the one and only ny bravest =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): Dear Poster,
I think you are making a fatal mistake here. You are putting assumptions and values on your significant others actions. I agree with you that what she did was hurtful, but when ever you have conflict with your partner, entering into a shouting match and a power struggle does nothing to resolve that conflict.
Your pride and your ego got in the way, I get it. But she is a different person from you, she may even have different values than you do. She seems to be disgruntled with maybe being criticized about her social activities and she is resisting what she feels like is controlling behavior on your part. I am NOT saying that I agree with her, she needs to try harder to understand you and what your intentions are.
That is the same thing you need to do here, is to communicate with her in a non accusatory, non judgemental way (saying that some women have left relationships where the guy isn't doing enough and she should be grateful and spending time away from you is not acceptable is putting your values on her) and try to find out her intentions and to communicate that she hurt you, but in a way that first she feels that you understand her side and that you hear her, and then you have stated that this is how you felt, and then shut up and let her process that.
It seems to me that you are getting resentful that you jump through hoops to change your schedule to see her and you feel badly when she changes things because of last minute upsets. Well maybe she is more spontaneous and not much of a planner. You can choose how you feel about that, you can take offense or you can accept her as she is and not do so much work to make yourself available to her and see if she doesn't work harder to be with you. You can't force someone to behave in ways that are possibly contrary to their nature. She probably doesn't lack insight, she lacks motivation. How do you motivate her? First by backing down off of your rant and apologizing for it, seeking first to understand instead of being understood and stating what it is you want, how what happened made you feel and then living your life for yourself and hoping that she will want to fit herself into your life.
What other choice do you have other than staying on the other end of the rope in this tug of war?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): oldsister, if you were a little nicer in my time of need , maybe i'd send you a t-shirt! =) look in all honesty, i'm looking to settle down , i'm a good guy and a hard worker and very loyal. I blew up at her over those e-mails which were pretty godam hurtful, ya know? making fun of our time together or saying that she'd be out alot more if it wasn't for me being up her ass in an e-mail and then ten minutes later texting me saying what a nice night we are going to have is just really two-faced and I feel really betrayed. I cursed, stormed out and said thats it! I haven't heard from her in 4 days now, no explanation, no I'm sorry about that, ect..I'm not looking for "what I want to hear", but what is your take on that? I shouldn't be calling or anything I take it? I really feel like I haven't done the worst thing in the world here and if she gave a shit, she would have explained better?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): the thing is I work alot (fireman) and I don't see her every week, nevermind every night..we live about 45 minutes away from each other and that is very hard..i ask her to organize things so i can attend when i'm off, but more often than not she tells me sometimes things come up spontaneously , ect..i don't go out much b/c i'm saddled with a big mortgage, two jobs and i'm just trying to make my way in the world here. i don't have that much free time. most of my free time is spent with her and that is why i don't have alot of time for other things. she hasn't called me in four days and is leaving to see her fam for x-mas, i would take that as a big sign that this might have ended things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): It's you she should be talking to not them. Ask her if you can talk and try to find a way that both your needs can be met. Can you go out more often? Are you seeing each other every night? Everyone needs friends and some other social life besides a partner anyway. Why are you staying in so much? Are you short of money to go out or just like to stay in? These are the things you two should be talking about. Could be you are too different in what you want,but better to find this out through discussion than just calling names and ignorning each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): well of course she isn't bringing home strange men, but that isn't the point. I'm 32, looking to settle down and have a ton of respoonsibility in life. This is not to say I don't take the time to take her out, show I love her and do everything I can to foster this relationship to every extent. If someone would rather be out than be with me, well then that is just wrong and a problem. Also, most women I meet seem to have come out of relationships where the men weren't the ones putting in the effort to see them , ect..they meet a guy like me and that isn't good enough either ..i don't get it! I am not overboard with seeing her (we live somewhat far from each other), but it is important to me to see her. Also, I feel that in a long term , committed relationship, being out with friends at bars just doesn't cut it honestly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): I don't see what the big deal is about finding her email to her friend, if she has nothing to hide from you, then she should be an open book.
The bad thing here is that she hasn't taken this as an opportunity to work on the relationship with you. Just because she was bitching to her friend about you in an email does not mean that she is not into you, she probably was just mad at the time that she couldn't go out to the bars or what ever it is she likes to do.
You on the other hand chose to blow up at her, curse at her and call her a bad name and stormed out. I don't know that I would feel like apologizing for someone reading something that wasn't intended for them and then getting angry at me over it either. I mean it does show a lack of trust and a lack of caring of her feelings as well. I mean why didn't you ask her why she was feeling that way about you? Did you ever think for one moment that she doesn't want you to change your schedule all around to accommodate seeing her more often? Maybe she wants you to have your own life and allow her some freedom to socialize with her friends, as long as you are often invited to go along, and she isn't closing the bar down or bringing home strange men, I don't see her behavior as so unusual.
I do agree it is a problem if she is a bar fly and every time she goes out it is alone without you and she gets exceedingly drunk and drives home or calls you to come get her. That sucks....but if she doesn't want to change that type of behavior then why isn't it you that is ending the relationship? She simply isn't worth your effort.
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reader, Advice_man +, writes (20 December 2009):
 You feel disappointed and betrayed don't you? Maybe she is bored with you indeed and that's fine, we cannot make those we love to love us back just because we love them so much. What I see wrong here is why wasn't she honest enough to talk to you about it? If that's how she feels then she should end this relationship or talk about it with you and figure out ways to fix things up. I think you should cofront her, ask her how she really feels and respect whatever she has to say, not calling bad words or names. Best of luck!
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 December 2009):
You thought something was wrong, you checked. Something was wrong. She could have been joking with her friends, or she could have been truthful about what she said. She hasn't got in touch in three days, so maybe she just wasn't all that into you in the first place. After all, she could have been angry, but at least tried to explain her comments to you. Though snooping is considered morally wrong, sometimes we have to do what we have to do. I would move on, and find someone who doesn't find you boring. There are plenty others out there.
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (20 December 2009):
 LOL @ older sister wow. actually i have to side with this guy the main reason is if you suspect somethings wrong in a reltionship you should seek out evidence to back up your hunch. Plenty of women on this site mention how the sniff though there guys email trying to cath him cheating these women are hailed as heroes and i dont hav eanything wrong with that. If your involved in a relationship its a big part of your life it sucks to be chasing rainbows. Sniffing through emails is not exactly honest but lying to your partner about the quality of the relation ship isnt either. Plus if there cheating i want to know because of stds for one and relationships can be financially emotional taxing no body whats to get played and if they are they want to put a stop to it. If your in a relationship and having sex with some one you shouldnt be complaining about them behind there back about the relationship, you should be able to tell the person how you feel. in my opinion this woman really doesnt give a damn about you if she did she would have cursed you out for going through her email then she would have maybe not apologized because its not her fault she feels your boring but she could have atleast talked to you about it not dissapear and loathe in her embarrassment youve seen her panties and email isnt that big of a deal. NOW you need to let it go shes gone your curiosity cost you your gf i dont blame you for it but hey you win some you loose some if this chick wants you shell contact you dont contact her she walked out on you dont go crawling after her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): I have asked the question twice b/c I only got one response and I'd like to hear what other people have to say. Look I know looking at e-mail isn't the best thing to do, I admitt that. It is funny how things don't work both ways though. She spends many many nights at my house without me there, using my computer, sniffing around I'm sure..that is also called human nature. I watch her sometimes just open up a compartment in my car or just look through things just out of curiosity. The fact that woman angle this behavior as "curiosity" is somewhat unfair. The thing is it doesn't bother me that much b/c everyone is somewhat imsecure at the beginning of a realtionship , especially if there are some problems..The thing is , I don't have anything to hide, nor am I saying how much I love her and I want to spend the night with her than texting my buddy five minutes later and saying "o god this girl is coming over" that is two-faced, fake and not really loving someone in my book. It is somewhat shocking to me that nobody here can side with me even slightly.
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reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (20 December 2009):
 you have invaded her privacy 1. you have seen something you dont like 2.
note how you broke standard trust rules first, then blame her even though this would not have happened had you not invaded her email. this kind of behaviour screams posessive, mistrustful, insecure individual. these behaviour patterns are unnattractive.
if she isn't enjoying spending all her free time with you and you had a go at her over something you generated you have given her an easy way to leave an unsatisfying situation.
remember there is a re4ason we are not meant to hear EVERY conversation. its because people bitch and moan about each other and it bonds society.
in future dont go through peoples things
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): can someone give me some advice please..i'm really hurting and feel very alone right now
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reader, paulofessex +, writes (20 December 2009):
 l would say that be not contacting you after 3 days she is telling you its over. It appears that your were not compatible in respect of interests together. I would consider sending her a letter saying sory for accessing her emails and advising her that she should have really spoken with you about her feeling, ok it may not help your relationship with her but hopefully she will learn from it, such as you are right now
Best wishes
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