A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I live with my beautiful 25 year old girlfriend. We moved in together very rapidly, after only a month of dating to make our rent cheaper and because we are both extremely spontaneous. We live with a mutual friend and our living situation is surprisingly good. We get along great, we always have a good time, our sex life is still good and I think we are a great match intellectually. However, she is a sort of free spirit, shes been molested as a young child, and she has deep seeded issues which she doesn't ever open up to me with. We both tell eachother we love one another and I really think she means it, but she told me that she wants to break up, probably in a month. The only reason she cites is she wants to devote more time to her studying (she is extremely motivated with her career path) and that she doesnt want any distractions of any kind. She also says she enjoys variety of people in her life and so on. I have recently given her a lot more space to try and increase her attraction to me,it seemed to be working, and I really didnt expect her to say these things to me. She says I am a wonderful boyfriend, that she loves me, but that she is an independent person and has always been that way. She has a history of relationships for 6 months, then single for 6 months and so on.. so I almost feel as though I am just another person in her lame cycle. Should I just break up with her so as to not prolong the pain? Or, is there something here worth salvaging? I told her if she feels this way then I agree with the breakup but deep down I am very troubled. I dont want to lose her and I dont see why she would want to get rid of me. I am incredibly good looking as is she, and I think we match eachother in many aspects of our life. I am so confused, please help.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 July 2010):
I'll be honest with you. It won't work. I can't think of anything to help, because with this girl it won't work.
What you have to understand is that some people, both men and women, have this perfect 'ideal' partner in their head. Just the other day, we were helping another poster on this site who was torn between a so called 'ideal' man she didn't know, and the boyfriend who treated her like a princess. In the end, we told her to leave her boyfriend.
I think your girlfriend has several issues that only she can fix, not you.
First of all, she clearly has a huge problem with commitment. Whatever anyone says, her history has been a mess, and she is so wrapped up in it that it is preventing her from having a normal, healthy relationship. Instead, she now has her sights on the elusive 'Mr Ideal'. And he doesn't exist. The Disney Prince isn't out there. He's not. It takes time to work on a relationship, and needs communication, love, attention, care, understanding, trust. She has none of this. Instead, she's looking for the quick fix. She goes from man to man, pulls them in every direction until she dumps them because she can't change them into the 'Mr Ideal'.
That's what's happening with you. She didn't like that it ended and you seemingly accepted, because it made her insecure. So she's now using you to boost her esteem, and pulling and pushing you in every direction to try and make you into this 'ideal' man she wants. But it won't work, because she doesn't know what that man is. And she never will.
What she wants is you on your knees begging her not to leave, so she can say 'he was wrong, he wasn't perfect, I can do better' and go away with a big smile.
She wants you to be hurting, visibly, so she can feel better about herself (a man accepting a break up isn't as big a ego boost as a man crying and begging).
That's why you mustn't go back. By going back, by fighting for her, she gets to make a fool of you and walk away feeling great about herself.
You're a good guy, but you're falling into a typical nice guy trap and you're trying to solve problems that can't be solved. I understand that, because I tried it myself. And I got burnt. And lots of other nice guys have done it as well.
You need to stay away from this girl. Her aim not is to hurt you so she can feel better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring guy, I appreciate your feedback and I know you can be very helpful. So let me clarify some things and then also I'd like to hear a possible salvage plan instead of just a breakup plan cause at least for now I have to deal with her for another month!
Ok so she broke up with me, but I handled it in such a way as to seem accepting (even though I'm not) and able to move on. Then she says we are dating but broken up, that she isnt dating anyone else, and was upset when I started to do so. She also insists that she loves me and spends most nights sleeping next to me yet I hear her telling her friends on the phone that she broke up with her boyfriend even though it seems like we are completely together. (some days we spend entire days together). I'm trying to focus more on my career, give her ample space to go out without me, but I still take her out to dinner and do nice things for her. Her only complaint with me now is that I smother her but its confusing because she spends so much time with me willingly. Sometimes I feel as though she knows we will be living together for the rest of the month so she can just mess around me and sorta "train" me to be as she wants. I try to avoid being a pushover but its hard to balance it when I get the feeling she is about to cut me off completely at every turn. This could be me overreacting but I am not sure. Can she truly love me? She looks at me like she still does and I can feel the energy of love when I'm with her but she still doesnt seem to want to enter into a true relationship with me again. (I havent asked nor would I ever again) Can you give me some advice, even if you dont necessarily agree with it, that pertains to salvaging this or making her crazy for me since I have a month to live with her..
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (26 July 2010):
This is her being unhappy that you were the one who ended it, and not her on her own terms. Stop sleeping with her and sleep by yourself again. I guarantee you if you go back to her, she will then dump you. She didn't do the dumping, and she doesn't like it. I've seen this reaction before. Don't fall for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update with more confusion: We broke up, I asked her to leave and she got super angry as if what I asked her to do was completely out of the question.. (we just broke up!) In any case, she and I will both live in the same apt until the end of next month. I am ok with the breakup and told her so, I gave her lots of space, and I started dating. Once I did these things she started having sex with me again, we hang out a lot, and she has begun sleeping next to me again. Even saying, I love you. I dont discuss our relationship status nor do I even care at this point, but what the hell is she doing? Is this her loving me but wanting to be slutty and single at the same time? I am taking her for face value and resisting the temptation to want to salvage the relationship yet I continue to spend time with her. I'm sure its strange and unhealthy what we are doing; but I really want to know what you guys think she is trying to accomplish?
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (6 July 2010):
 She's the kind of girl who, if you push her, will just back farther and farther away from you. I think the best thing to do is to tell her how you're feeling and then check out of the relationship. If she somehow makes a break through in her cycle, she'll come back to the guy who really loved her and who she was really compatible with. But if she doesn't come back, it's her mistake.
I know it's hard, and you sound like a great fella, but that's the reality of your situation. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
You can't. You're trying to make her change. There is no way you can make her change. Only she can make herself change, and right now she won't. I did once try to to make a girl stay with me by being kind. She still cheated and that was it. If your girlfriend is going to leave, there is no stopping her. And by the sound of it, she's already checking out. Only she can change for herself if she wants. And she doesn't want to, or she'd be in therapy getting her issues out in the open. That's the commitment that is needed here. And it's not here at all. She is telling you that it's pretty much over. Nothing you do will change her mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know its loserish, but I want to try something before I toss in the towel without appearing needy or unable to let go. I know I will be able to find a new girl and I am comfortable in that respect but she has a lot of qualities that I truly admire and for her to throw away our relationship on nothing other than independence is just too much for me to take. I dont inhibit her progress at all, but she says the mere fact that we're together is distracting for her. She looks at me like she loves me and kisses me that way too and then will turn around and say this to me. Its bewildering and I feel so helpless. I understand that moving on is probably best, but if you were to try something what would you do? I'm still living with her, sharing a bed with her for this entire month! what can I do?
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (6 July 2010):
CaringGuy (as usual) could not be more right. Your girlfriend seems to have set herself a pattern, and I doubt she'll be getting out of her cycle - if ever. You have done nothing wrong, and she's probably completely sincere when she says that you're a great boyfriend. This is just what she does to herself - never commits, even to a fantastic thing.
If this is her choice, you don't want to force her to stay in a relationship with you. She'll just become more miserable and destructive. I'd just end it, and begin getting over her now. Good luck, sweet!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2010):
Sorry my friend, but you are yet another person in her destructive cycle. End it now. Don't try to salvage it. Her history has been dark and has clearly affected her ability to be with people. There's nothing wrong with her being independent. I applaud it given her past. But what I don't think is kind is to drag other people into her life and then throw them out when she decides she's had enough. This doesn't' reflect on you at all. You're a good guy, and you've tried hard. You couldn't have done more. But she's just got issues that need to be dealt with before she can really commit. To be honest, I'd be surprised if she ever does really commit. There's too much going on in her life for her to be able to be a committed girlfriend. You need to end it now, and move on.
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