A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have recently met a fantastic woman who ticks every box that I could possibly think of. She is loving, not at all clingy, makes me laugh, is considerate, loved by all my friends (already), and is someone who I feel that I can open up to about anything at all. And she adores me too. What more could I ask for?The problem is that I adore her, but when we sleep together, I don't feel anything for her. Morer than that, it just does not feel right at all. I lay asleep next to her all night that other night feeling that, 'This isn't right.' And it is getting worse.I cannot help how I feel and this is really killing me, as she is literally amazing- I love her, but I don't think that I am, or will be, in love with her.We have only been together a month, but I know that this will only get worse- or will it? Am I just afraid that someone is this good? Or is it just that I don't fancy her sexually?What can I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2007): Hi. I accidentally sent the last garbled post on this topic before I'd finished it and it looks like it wasn't replaced by the finished version I sent straight afterwards!
Essentially I think she might be behaving quite dominantly, possibly a bit needily and controlling and/or you're behaving passively or submissively. Your description of this woman is quite objective - you say what she is and does rather than how you feel about her. It's as if you feel you should want her, which is of course nonsense.
I don't think these things can be forced. Do you? You don't need to push the river, as they say.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2007): Hi. I posted a few days ago to say I was in a similar position and to ask how the two of you met. However, since you say you slept with her before you intended to and weren't comfortable with it, the way you met is probably irrelevant. It sounds more like the issue is with dominance. Is she aggressive in any situations? Are you passive in any situations? One or the other might be in effect when it comes to your respective level of desire for one another. It doesn't necessarily matter if you don't fancy her much. What is important is for both people to be willing to allow each other to feel safe to express their true feelings. As we all know, even the healthiest relationships involve disagreements at some time, but also provide a safe place in which to resolve such disagreements. Two people can start out hating each other but if they're able to make each other feel safe to say how they feel, they may become deeply attracted to one another.
She sounds happy as larry and it's little wonder - you're giving her exactly what she wants. Unfortunately this is likely to mean she will expect you to give her what she wants, whether she realises this or not. Check out your self respect and give yourself a chance to be assertive whenever you get the feeling your right to
What if you I wonder whether you are drawn to her for safety or protection but feel unsafe making your true feelings known. which says to me that you didn't feel safe making your true feelings known to her, for whatever reason. You do seem to feel comfortable with her otherwise though and I wonder whether it's the . Does she respect your right to make your own choices?
Have a think about why that happened
Well, I don't think there HAS to be initial attraction for a fulfilling relationship to evolve, but I do think there has to be opportunity for attraction to develop.
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A
male
reader, Thomas17  +, writes (5 May 2007):
 hm. from what you said, i think you like her, but more of as a friend ya? there are some cases like these, rest assured. tell her how you feel, dont be afraid, she may feel the same.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2007): We met through the internet and we just got on from the first moment. I didn't intend to sleep with her as quickly as we did- I like to take things a bit slower. But I wasn't 'Wow!' when we had sex for the first time. In fact it was the complete opposite.
She has since texted me saying that she thinks that she loves me and that I asm the best thing that has ever happened to her.
And I feel bad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): Sounds like a top bird - it's not often a woman can make a man laugh! I'm in a very similar relationship - we get on famously, she's reliable, motivated, caring, totally set on me, and we have similar values. So like you, I can say I love her. But also like you, I've never had a "Wow" for her, a spark, a passionate desire for her, so have never been "in love" with her. I just got into her, in more than one sense, because she was keen on me and it felt safe and familiar from the word go. It doesn't feel like a complete relationship and in many senses it isn't. I'm starting to realise that if the passion either isn't there at the start or it fades within a month, it's more than likely you're procrastinating for the sake of compliance, keeping the peace, not upsetting her, and generally being the things you've learned to be.Is it that you don't find her feminine enough?Can I ask how the two of you met?
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A
female
reader, agony_emz +, writes (4 May 2007):
 you say that you know that you wont fall in love with her then you simply wont maybe its being in her company that you like more, you talk to her about this and as a women im sure she will understand and you too may continue to be friends!! good luck x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): personally i think deep down u probably think she is 2 good 2 b true. were u physially attracted 2 her when u 1st met? she may be all you have dreamed of and more and u find that hard 2 believe that u are the lucky bloke that has found a great womanhold on 2 her and see how things go if u still feel the same maybe she is not as great as you really thinkotherwise i think you have found one of the good ones mategd luk
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