A
male
age
51-59,
*uperdave67
writes:To make a long story short, the girl I'm currently dating lost her virginity to me...which is nice. However, she is in her late 20's. A little odd, but not really the issue. The problem is, sex with her is difficult, meaning she can't seem to relax and let it happen. she tightens up, I can feel her legs get really stiff, she wimpers, usually ends up crying a little out of frustration. At times I get frustrated too, but mainly I am patient and do my best to relax her. I'd have to say 8 out of 10 times I have to give up. She is fine mentally with having sex with me, she wants to have sex with me, but when the time comes, she has a REALLY hard time. I've been with my share of women and never experienced anything like this. We've tried lubication, foreplay is always present, and I really love her and I know she loves me. Anything else sexual is not a problem, its actual sex that causes this behavior. She is a big wimp and can't stand pain. Does anyone have suggestions other than using ether or knocking her unconscious? (kidding) Would a muscle relaxer help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007): im sorry but, you sound a bit out of order to be honest.maybe if you chilled out a bit and stopped making it such an issue.you hardly sound sympathetic. every time you try and engage in sex shes probably so desperate to make u happy and not frustrate you that, that probably doesnt help her situation.and i was waay too young when i lost my virginity, and we are always telling young girls to wait and yet she trusted you and you're saying it's slightly odd that she was in her late twenties before she lost it. so what.chill out. give her a break.
A
male
reader, Superdave67 +, writes (24 October 2007):
Superdave67 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just did some research on vaginismus, and that totally describes our situaton! Thank you DrPsych for that information! And I am flattered that she (my girlfriend) was willing to share this with me. I adore this girl and we cant imagine a life without each other. Everyone else, thanks for your comments and advice, it was all very helpful!
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 She needs to see a doctor to get checked out for physical reasons for the pain - vaginismus maybe one reason she finds it all too much! As for her losing her virginity in her late 20's - I think that is really refreshing and you should be really flattered that she trusts you enough to have gone through with it.
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A
male
reader, Sandman +, writes (24 October 2007):
 First, it might be beneficial that she see her gynecologist as there might be a problem that needs to be resolved. The reason it wasn't noticed before is because she was a virgin and never had a penis pushed inside her - so now that she's finally being sexually active she's finding that her body isn't quite responding with her mind.
I once dated a woman who had a similar problem. It wasn't a problem of wetness or lubrication because she got VERY wet and could squirt. But the initial penetration was always a chore. And it didn't help that I'm above average. But what we did was go slow. 1/2inch - 1inch at a time. NEVER pulled out. She won't be able to expand if I pull out. Insert slowly, taking my time as I went along. Finally I was fully inside and could start the thrusting but needed to go slowly at first too. Eventually she was well expanded and we could have "normal" sex.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Hi,
Well I used to fear sex too, bec. of the pain, but actually after visiting the doctor, it turned out that, I was still a vergin, even after, I thought I lost my verginity, some women need an operation to help. Get her to see a doctor, I had the operation and been enjoying sex since then, good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): Um drugs.. lol no NOT in this situation. She must have a past issue or something mentally blockin her. I mean lets be real after a few times she shouldnt be feelin pain.Unless you're big,and shes small then maybe. Try diff positions or ask her whats more comfotable for her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): I would avoid muscle relaxers they arent really made for problems like yours.
I just need to comment that she shouldnt need to be afraid of pain - it shouldnt hurt and wouldnt if she wasnt so tense.
You need to check for underlying issues, you say she lost her virginity to you in her late 20's, what was the reason for her waiting so long, saving herself or fear? I think she has built it into a big thing in her head and that is where the problem lies.
Now, I wouldn't usually advise this but as we are all adults and you are in a relationship is she more relaxed after having a drink? I was thinking you could wine and dine her and set the scene. Also due to this been a mental issue rethr than a physical try to tell her how great sex with her is and how much you enjoy it. Ask her what ways you can pleasure her and try to accomadate her wishes. Make sex a comfortable thing and build her confidence by praising her - dont be patronising though.
Good luck, hope this helps.
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