A
male
age
41-50,
*redictable
writes:Hi all,I need a little advice...My partner and I have been living together for 5mths now. When we first met we were both fresh out of previous relationships - I had been dating someone for 2mths and she had been in a relationship for 2yrs. I have 3 children to my previous long-term relationship which was 1yr pior to us meeting. My 2 eldest children live with me. She has no children.After seeing each other for about 3wks I asked her if she needed timeout from us to sort through her feelings from her past relationship. I could see that she was hiding feelings or just not being honest with me which was totally understandable. I knew when I broke up I needed that time and space, but she insisted against it and that everything was fine.When we met she was leaving for Uni at the begining of February. This was OK as we decided we were going to try the long-distance thing. Things started to get serious with us after about 2mths.Then after about 3mths of us living together I found something which tore me apart. I found emails she had sent her ex-partner. One was dated the day before. They said how her life is crap since they broke up and she misses him so much. She was calling him babe and darling and all the names she called me. She even asked if he wanted to live with her when she moved away to Uni. In the last email he said he didn't want her contacting him again as he felt it wasn't fair on me, and it was making it harder on him. He said it as wrong and she knew it.I was devastated. When I approached her she broke down. She said she was stupid and that she loved me so much and didn't want to lose me. We spoke about it, I let my feelings out, and I forgave her and gave her another chance.And now she's leaving....What do I do? Do I let her go or do I try and make it work? She wants to make it work but I guess I'm still torn up at what has happened and even though I've said I've forgiveen her, I don't know that I really have.I am still having moments where I think maybe she is still contacting him. It drives me insane. He lives in another country but its only a 3hr flight from where she will be living. She still has photos of him and her together on her computer which I have mentioned to her before and has done nothing about them. She still has his parents number on her cellphone where he is living. Yes I am going a litle nutty I think after re-reading this again.Apart from her mishap, this woman is everything I've ever wanted in a partner. If I could move with her I would but because of my children my responsibilty remains here with them. We are going to be 4 1/2hrs driving distance apart but I can't just chuck the kids in the car and travel every weekend.At the end of this year I will move with her but I can't until then. I just need a second opinion.Thanks for listening.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 January 2008):
 I think she needs a true opinion about her behavior. How can she say these things, then claim she loves you so much and she was stupid. I'm sorry, but if I'm really in love, I might be stupid by "accidentially" leaving the toilet seat up, not sending love notes to someone else.
I think you need to be honest with her as well. Tell her, you don't trust her intentions, and would like to hear from her what she's planning. Let her know you expect honesty so you don't confuse your children. Let her know this, and it's very important. "You are everything I've wanted in a women, but if you're playing games, I can't take that chance with my kids."
Let me give you a different direction with love. We think too often that we want. If we really love someone, isn't it about their happiness? I was in love with someone years ago. This was the hardest thing I'd ever done in relationships, but she'd been offered a "can't refuse" opportunity. I couldn't go with her because of my responsibilities. This is what I told her. "I have to let you go, not because I don't want to be with you, but because I love you and desire you to fulfill your dreams and happiness."
She's getting married. Jealous, of course I am. Happy for her?, yep because her dreams are coming true and she's happy. It may not be me walking down the isle with her, but I'm happy for who she's become, and know I'd made the right choice by letting her go.
If you end up letting her go. Do so because you love her, and desire for her to find her direction and figure out who she is. You never know, in doing so and figuring out what she wants, she might find her way back to you.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 HiLet her go. That would be my choice anyway. Love or no love. She was obviously not happy, why else would she be having second thoughts about her ex. She doesn't really know what she wants. Your a parent. The truth is, she was too soon out of a relationship. She was blatently on the rebound. Sometimes it works going straight into another relationship but thats rare. Usually does depend why people split and how long the feelings have been gone. If they still had feelings for each other when they split, and split because they were arguing for example, you two never stood a chance. You cant fall in love with someone while still in love with someone else in my opinion.I would put your children first. Shes moving away anyway, long distance is hard to maintain when things are all cushty, let alone rocky like you two are.The email to the ex would be enough for me to call it a day personally, but its easier for me to say ey.Good luck.C xxxxx
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