A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my fiance has had a threesome about 10 years ago, the guys is still on her facebook, i feel terrible to look at his pics, when i asked her to remove him, she said that it would not solve the problem, all i wanted to hear is yes, right now this is really bothering me, and i dont know weather i want to marry her..pls advice
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facebook, fiance, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Lads respect works both ways, he expects her to remove this guy based on something that happened ten years ago. Now she wouldn't say that it wouldn't solve the problem if there wasn't more to this story than the OP is telling us.
OP we simply can't judge whether your request is reasonable or not because we don't have enough detail and we also don't know her take on this.
How long are you with her? Was this guy friends on facebook from before your relationship with her?
Was having him as a friend a problem before you found out about the threesome specifically? As I said in previous posts do you have exes on your friends list? Does she have other exes on hers that you do or don't have a problem with?
Is it only this guy and only because of the threesome?
Has she been with this in the ten years since?
Have you any reason not trust her with this guy?
Do they still stay in contact with each other?
I could go on and on OP, but from what little you've told us, none of it is good reason to demand that because I know there's more to this, if it was as simple as you make out then she would have deleted him without a problem but instead she said it wouldn't solve the problem. Would you care to enlighten us?
A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 She wad right, it would most definitely solve the problem.
Have you thought about the reasons why something that happened 10 years ago, when you were not in her life, bothers you? Why you allow it to bother you? It is HER Facebook account, HER life.
She has no reason to delete him, and you shouldn't look down on her for not obeying your wishes. If you don't like who she is now, then don't spend the rest of your life hoping she might change or trying to change her refreshing strong mindedness.
I am living in the house that my partner shared with his ex wife for 6 years and ex fiance for 2 years. Every night we sleep in the bed they made love in and I cook in the kitchen he once shagged his ex fiance on the floor. And I don't let it bother me because its in the past and that doesn't exist anymore.
So, make the choice. Dou you want to let this little thing destroy something special? Or are you going to let it go and be happy?
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A
female
reader, Mama C  +, writes (18 January 2011):
Have you got a ex girlfriend on your fb account? After this, be sure you don't. I denied a friendship with one of my ex boys because i know my husband would be hurt. It's a small sign of respect for the man she loves, and i'm surprised she doesn't comply.
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A
female
reader, la la land +, writes (18 January 2011):
 My bf is friends with all of his ex's on fb. It used to bother me a lot. But he finally told me that he likes to remain friends online bc they can see how happy he is now without them in his life. I still don't really agree w it, I don't remain friends with my ex's but you have to learn to let things go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011):
I am so shocked at some of these answers! Sometimes we all get a little paranoid, sometimes we all act a little irrational. I'll tell you what though - if my husband asked me to remove a picture of someone i'd had an intense sexual liason with so he wouldn't be reminded of it every time he glanced at my computer, if he asked me to do this one petty little thing that would make a huge difference to his feelings... then of course i would do it. It isn't about taking a pic down on facebook- its about caring enough about his feelings. He isn't sitting there trawling over the incident, he, just like most of us, doesn't want it rubbed in his face. I can assure you if the situation were reversed she wouldn't be so understanding. Perhaps try and address the situation coming from the respect angle and let her know how it makes you feel.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Jealous enough over someone from 10 years ago that you'd consider walking away from a marriage huh? You should do her a favor and walk away. You are far too insecure to have a healthy relationship with anyone who has a past.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Stop living on Facebook. If SHE has pictures on HER FB, then that is HER business, you can CHOOSE to NOT look. It's frigging FACEBOOK!
I don't know why people have this great URGE to dictate to their partner, WHO the can talk too or be in contact with. Now if the contact is inappropriate I can understand a cutting loose an ex or whatnot, but in general? No. I think you are being controlling and not in a good way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): "i feel terrible to look at his pics" For god sake stop looking at his pics then.
Block him completely and stop looking him up. Oh and do a search on this site for retro jealousy. There a lot of great articles and answers on this site pertaining to that, that might help you. If you block him then you can't look at his pics anymore.
Deleting him off facebook isn't going to magically make what she did with him disappear and you're the one torturing yourself by looking him up. She's completely correct that it won't solve the problem because you're retro jealous, so you need to sort that out yourself and find a way of moving past that.
Do you have exes on facebook? Does she have other exes on facebook? Do you know all the sordid details of her sexual experiences with those guys too? Surely you've had sexual experiences with some of the girls you still know on facebook or otherwise, would it fair for her to demand you never speak to any of them ever again? Why is this one particular guy a problem for you?
These are questions you need to ask yourself, I'm not actually looking for an answer.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Why does this bother you? It sounds as something weird to be troubled by, and incident that happened 10 years ago and you let it affect you this much when it didn't even happen to you. It's her past, her history, and that history won't change no matter if a picture is on facebook or not. Stop looking at facebook if it bothers you so much. This is a problem you have, not a problem she has.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (18 January 2011):
It depends what the problem is. If the problem is that you feel upset seeing his picture then deleting him WILL solve the problem. I don't see why your fiance won't delete this guy if it means so much to you. I'm sure you would do the same for her, if there was something bothering her that much?
I agree it is about moving forward but if she won't even meet you half way to try and work out this problem then maybe she isn't the one for you?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 She was right it wont solve the problem, your problem has to do with her actually having a three some and nothing to do with the guy being on her facebook page. Are you really going to risk losing this girl because of something she done 10 years ago? I think you would be a fool to do that. Its in her past, everyone has a past and you should be concentrating on the future and what the both of you are going to do together. Not worrying about some guy who is on her facebook. Start living for the future before you lose the woman you love. You need to trust her or else there is no point being with her.
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