A
male
age
30-35,
*igSur
writes:Hey, about 2 months ago my girlfriend broke up with my after 2 years. I'm 18 and she is 20, and it was both of our first serious relationship. We only argued in the last few months, and it was over worthless things. We never had sex, because she wanted to wait until she got married, but we did everything else. I had no problem waiting, because I loved her and wanted to do what she felt comfortable with. I never thought we had any serious problems, and I assumed we would get married eventually. Than one night she told me she wanted to break up to start seeing what else is out there. I was upset, but I understood we are both young, and we probably should check what is out there. So we've broken up for 2 months now, but we still talk on the phone almost every day. I'm just so confused, because I'm so used to talking to her it feels wierd not to, and we were friends before we started dating. So recently she told me that she started having sex with this guy she's dating. I mean what the hell...2 years only BJ's and she has sex with this guy in about 2 months? I'm so pissed, but I still care for her no matter what. She's telling me that I should go out and have fun to, and that she thinks we will eventually get back together.... Should I do that or should I just stop talking to her all together? I think she's just completling maniupulating me and just keeping me on a leash... What should I do?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Your welcome, and take care. You're lucky, I wish I was 18 again, there's a lot I would have done differently.
A
male
reader, BigSur +, writes (25 September 2007):
BigSur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, your right. My friends say the same thing, it's just kind of fucked up. I'll be alright I am only 18. When I was with her the first year and a half I was always thinking of breaking up with her, and definatley never was putting myself out there at all. Than in the last 6 months I finally caved in and started putting my emotions into it and I get burned. I'm just not used to being broken up with..usually i'm the guy doing it. So it's kind of more of a shocker, and I bet if I did get back with her I would start feeling like I didn't want to be with her again. Anyway thanks for the help, and actually it did help me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): 1. Tell her it's over right now.
2. Stop giving her daily contact & emotional support as if you're still her boyfriend. Don't even be very close as a "friend" for a long time. Stop being someone that she talks to on a daily basis.
3. Don't give her the slightest indication that you'll ever take her back as a romantic relationship. Not ever.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but this is your only real option. YOU CANNOT EVER HAVE WHAT YOU WANT FROM THIS GIRL. Not now. You want her respect and to be her only BF, good relationship, etc, but this is NOT POSSIBLE anymore with this particular girl.
She didn't want to sleep with you all that time, but she slept with someone else right away? And she still turns to YOU for emotional support on a daily basis? Man, get out of this and stop playing a sucker right now. You'll never get what you want back, but you WILL get your heart slowly & painfully ripped apart the longer you drag this out & stay in close contact with her.
You're being USED for the emotional support that these other guys aren't providing, and yet they get to F*CK her and you don't! See how this works? You get the work and they get the fun. They're more exciting & challenging than you are so that means they get more than you do. She doesn't have to F*CK you or anything now, but you're still useful for the emotional heavy-lifting that she won't demand from these other guys. She wouldn't want to chase them away by demanding too much too early. You, on the other hand, are much more useful. You're obviously still willing to put in that effort and you won't demand an exclusive relationship in exchange for it. And what's even better, you're on the "back burner" as a future guy to settle down with once she's been F*CKed silly by a few other (hotter) guys for a while.
I know you want to find a way to make things work, and be mature about it, etc. You're probably telling yourself that you don't want to be leaving her & withdrawing from her just to "get even" or something so petty as that. You probably think I'm being very harsh & one-sided against her right now and I don't know her, and it's a lot more complicated than this . . . but I'M TELLING YOU THE HEARTBREAKING TRUTH. You may think, and she may say, (and she may even think to herself), that she's not the "kind of girl" who would ever be this petty & hurtful towards you. But her actions are 100% demonstrating that she really is exactly that.
Unfortunately IT REALLY IS that simple now. You will NEVER be the guy that she's crazy about anymore like she's crazy about these other guys right now. You have been defined in her mind already as someone who isn't exciting enough. Years of serious daily friendship & relationship with you didn't earn what the other guy got after two months. It doesn't matter that you put in all kinds of relationship & work and this other guy didn't. You simply don't measure up in her mind. You're a nice-guy to settle down with, NOT an exciting guy to F*CK and get crushed on.
There is only one way to redefine yourself in her mind as someone worthy of pursuit again: Leave her and never look back. Don't be rude, don't be a jerk, but DO leave her. And that DEFINITELY includes cutting off the daily emotional support & close friendship. Unfortunately it's over permanently between you two this way, but there is no other way that you will ever be anything but a useful doormat to her now.
She put you in this position, not you. Cry, curse, hate, grieve, do whatever you have to do, but END IT WITH HER NOW. Judge her actions, not her words.
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A
male
reader, BigSur +, writes (25 September 2007):
BigSur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat's funny is that I don't think she is letting me down easy. She's not the type of person who does that, and I can almost always tell when she's lieing. I'm not even a push over kind of guy, but it's so wierd when I'm around her I just sort of get hypnotised by her voice, and I just have to be nice. She is the first woman who has ever been able to do this to me, but I think she knows that to.
Anyway, I have started dating a few girls, and have already had sex with one...BUT I bet if she ever tried to get me back I think I would. She just has some wierd voodoo control over me.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 September 2007):
Now first, by reading your comments, you are a nice person, a little bit too nice I think when stressing your feelings with her. The next time you talk to her, Here's what I would say, if I was in your shoes:
"So let me get this strait, you think I'm perfect, ended it with me, think I'm the nicest boyfriends, wouldn't have sex with me because you wanted to wait until marriage, yet your boning on someone you've only been with for two months. Cut the crap, I may have to get some new boots because the s**t is getting real deep."
Tell her how you feel. If you're pissed, tell her, don't hold it in, get across that you're not someone who she can just play. It's like I said, if me, she'd burnt the bridge that eliminates any future chances. If me, I'd even tell her (you don't have to, I may just be a bit rude from time to time) "You wouldn't sleep with me, but your doing it with him, and you want us to have a chance later on, I'm sorry I don't take sloppy seconds."
That would be wrong to say, but I had to get it out. Some of these stories we get mad right along with you. What she did is wrong. Her not being honest is wrong too. I mean it, if you were that perfect, you'd still be together. She's trying to let you down easy I think. It's always better to let someone down truthfully, than it is to do it easy and candy coat it as she has where anyone reading this can tell she's full of it.
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A
male
reader, BigSur +, writes (24 September 2007):
BigSur is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice I appreciate it. What's so strange is is she told me I was the perfect boyfriend on the phone a couple nights ago... I'm trying to move on, but it's so strange to be perfect yet still not good enough. I'm just trying to figure out what to improve on for a future relationship, and she told me honestly I don't have any major faults. So anyway thanks again.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 September 2007):
Your story almost sounds like a song I'm recording. It's called "If I wasn't good enough for you then, I sure and the hell ain't now" Move on, I don't know what your beliefs are, and what behaviors you'd accept, but I believe if her idea of having fun is just going out having sex with other people, she isn't even close to having the morals I look for in a good relationship.
I did have someone who was similar in her behaviors, but it was looking at the internet sites. When we broke up, I simply told her because she said maybe down the road as well. I said "no, I will always love you, but I can't see myself being with you."
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