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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My ex girlfriend has banned me from seeing our son for no reason at all. I'm 22, she's 21 and our son has just turned 1. It all started when we broke up because I found out she cheated on me before she got pregnant. I moved out but said I'd always stick around to be a dad to our son and we had access sorted between us. But then I got a new girlfriend 3 months and from then on things just got worse and worse. I can only assume out of pure jealousy she said I'm not allowed to see our son. I've tried reasoning with her over the phone but she never answers, I've gone round to her house only to have her threaten to call the police if I don't leave. And my new girlfriend even talked about breaking up, so I could see him again but it wouldn't have made a difference anyways, because my ex now has a new boyfriend.She's only been dating him for about a month and sent me a message on facebook saying he's going to be the dad to our son and there was nothing I could do about it. The absolute worst thing about this is she still has the nerve to take money off me via the CSA, so I'm paying maintenance for a child I don't have any contact with. I've threatened to get legal advice but the truth is I can't afford to as I don't make anywhere near enough money from my job, and my ex said even if it got to court she wouldn't bother showing up, so I feel like I've reached a dead end. Rumours have been going around that I'm not the dad but I know deep down I am because he's the spitting image of me when I was a baby and the guy she cheated on me with is a different race, so I know its all rubbish. Last week was his first birthday and I missed everything. I even had a load of presents which I posted to him but she sent them back to me. I miss my son so much and just don't know what to do anymore.Please help.
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broke up, cheated on me, ex girlfriend, facebook, jealous, money, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, blueskyday  +, writes (21 June 2011):
you can have a lawyer appointed to you i'm sure of, do some research there are some firms that provide assistance and about the whole not showing up she'll have to if not likely the police will come and get her or somehow she'll be in trouble she's a real nasty lady to cheat on you even and still not let you see YOUR son and maybe a maternity test would be good here cause either way it'll benefit you if he's yours your legally aloud to see him she can't keep you away from him and if not, you won't have to pay for a kid you never see and that's not yours because who knows if she's even using the money for the child and not for her selfish needs
hope this helped good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): Firstly you are well rid of her...
Secondly i think its great to see a man looking for access and more rights to his child especially at your age i think your a great example of what a father should be.
Thirdly you need to go to your nearest citizens advice bureau and tell them what is going on, you will be entitled to legal aid as it is means tested and if you are paying maintenance and on a low wage then you will def qualify.
Also a friend of mine was also reading this earlier she came up with a great idea that you should stop paying her the maintenance and instead open up an account with a standing order in place to transfer the maintenance into it per week/month but don't give her the account details, leave her stew for the maintenance, when it goes to court the judge may ask you why you have stopped paying and then you can produce your evidence of the account which has been receiving the maintenance weekly/monthly from the day you stopped paying her, Also tell her that if the child is not yours why should you pay maintenance in the first place?
And yes, she will have to go to court because she will get a summons and if she does not turn up she will have a bench warrant out for her so she is making herself sound pretty stupid, talking about things she has no clue about. I really think that my friends idea with the money in the account is a great idea though, once you stop the funds directly to her she will come running.
Best of luck i really hope you get the justice that you deserve :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): That really sucks. She sounds so immature and I'm sorry you have to deal with her forever.
I don't live in the UK, but I know here in the US you can send a letter into the court (I don't know which one over there) and tell them the situation. You can also seek free legal advise and take her butt to court. And if she doesn't show up, well over here that doesn't go unpunished. If someone doesn't show up for court they will be arrested. If you have been subpoenaed then you have to go. I can't imagine its much different over there.
Just because she carried the child doesn't mean she has more authority over him than you. You have every right to see your child and the courts will see it that way. Good luck. And I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, galdegir  +, writes (20 June 2011):
Man up and shoulder your responsibilities some women are heartless and cruel i agree yes. But if you've already done paternity test (more than likely when the child was born since these days they seem to do it with all young parents of your age, heck they even did it to myself and the other half 10years ago when our daughter was born) and the child is yours you have a obligation as a father to pay your support to cloth that child even if you don't see it.
In the UK I am sure there is Legal Aid there just like in aus here see a solicitor and ask about legal aid (it's free) and have the matter sorted in family law court but first make sure you get paternity tests done to make sure the child is yours. Also don't damage your case at access to the child if he is indeed yours by giving her fodder to the rapsheet by calling the police to remove you from her premises for that'll go against you for access as well.
{my ex said even if it got to court she wouldn't bother showing }
When she is subpeoned to attend she cannot not turn up unless she wants to be arrested. Be smart quit telling ill do this and that to verbally threaten your way and do it the right way go to a solicitor see if you have legal aid or at the very least find a solicitor who is prepared to allow you to pay off the costs and get paternity testing done if it is yours then seek the access to the child as well.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (20 June 2011):
 sorry friend I had the graphics turned off on this machine and did not see you were from UK.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): See a family solicitor asap - you can often get a half hour free consultation,so ring around or check online for one in your area, ask if you can get Legal Aid to pay for the costs of a court case. Don't tell your ex, just do it.
If you have any doubts about you being the father request a DNA test - she is happily accepting CSA payments so I assume that she doesn't want the cash to stop - so shouldnt mind having one done
She is behaving in a very immature way (even using Facebook) and using this child as a weapon and it's so unfair to both your son and you. My son had the same problem, had the DNA test done too - and is now seeing his daughter
Good luck
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 If you want to get as much free professional info as you can, go visit your local CAB (citizens advice bureau)
http://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
There should be one in every town. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (20 June 2011):
You don't need a lawyer to file a complaint with the judge which only entails the administrative costs
If you have a court arrangement for visitation and joint custody she has to abide by that or be in contempt. If she is not abiding by that and you have witnesses that will back you up you can take her to court.
If she doesn't show that doesn't matter because the case could be handled in absentia depending upon how the courts handle it in your area.
Best way to start the process is to write a letter requesting your rights to visitation (referring to any court arrangements that enforce your rights). Take a witness with you and hand deliver it or you can deliver it certified mail where she has to sign for it.
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