A
male
age
41-50,
*artin13
writes:Where do I start?My g/f and I of four years ago split up yesterday, and I'm absouletely heart broken. She is 29 and I 30.The problems started 6mths ago when I questioned our relationship not knowing what I wanted at the time. It didn't help at the time that a long term close friend of mine had declared her true feelings for me which did leave me confused. After 2-3 weeks of soul searching, I decided Sophie was the girl for me and planned to ask her to marry me later this year.What didn't help was that my friend's declaration of love took the form of a few texts messages, some quite raunchy that I never deleted. Nothing happened between us, and unfortunately we are friends no longer. Unfortunately I didn't delete these messages and my g/f stumbled upon them in Feb this year which as you can imagine, didn't go down well.I thought I had explained myself sufficently, and thought she believed me. We agreed our relationship wasn't perfect and we'd do out best to improve in areas we were struggling in.However a week ago, my g/f and I had a mini-barney over something small and she declared she wasn't happy. She was confused about what she wanted and needed space to work things out. We own a house together, so she was going to move out and rent a room somewhere so she could get the space she craved.At first glance, I thought cr*p but bearing in mind that it was what I went through, I thought better off questioning it now and in 5yrs time when we were married and have children. However, I didn't fully believe what she was telling me becuase this was a bit out of character and checked her text messages to find out that she had been contacting an ex-work colleague with raunchy and explicit text messages. It became clear that she liked this guy who is only 21, has no job and lives with his parents - and she's only met him for 10minutes whilst making coffee in their Northern Office. Gutted wouldn't describe how I felt at this time.We sat down and chatted where on earth we went from here, and she said she didn't want to throw 4yrs down the pan without trying to save it. We agreed, she'd still move out but we'd try and see how we got on over the next few weeks. However she still kept contacting this 21yr old despite promising she wouldn't, and it all came to a head when I borrowed a mates mobile prentending to be a friend of this 21yr old. My g/f made it quite clear in the texts to this 21yr old (not knowing it was me) that she couldn't wait to move out, missed him like crazy (even though they haven't done anything physical yet) and wanted to be with him and quoting about me "I don't want to go for dinner with him tonight, I have nothing more to say to him anymore".After confronting my g/f with this, she openly admitted that she was going to try and hold us both down together so she could decide what she wanted she's been rumbled. She has not been happy over the last few months and she has enjoyed the attention from someone else and it's making her think if there is more to life than us. She admits that this could be the biggest mistake of her life but she doesn't want to ask in the future 'What if'. She doens't appear to know whether she is coming or going and is totally confused at the moment.I had no choice but to finish the relationship which is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've made it quite clear the stable door has not bolted and if in 2-3 mths time, her head has cleared and we both feel strongly about each other, who knows??She doesn't want to sell the house we own together. I think she feels, if we sell - then there will never be any chance of her and I getting back together should she relaise in time she's made a huge mistake.Part of me thinks she is trying to have her cake and eat it and making a complete mug out of me, and then part of me thinks, if you love the girl that much, give her chance to clear her head.We are now officially single now and I've just have to pick up the pieces and get on with my life....but I love her so much....it hurts so bad. I'm pretty mixed up now as well. Should I wash my hands of her (is she taking me for a complete fool?) or give her the chance to clear her head?Thankyou for listening
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male
reader, Card  +, writes (19 April 2007):
You need to get rid of this girl. I can relate to you in so many ways. You both messed up in terms of flirting with other people, but she is genuinely interested in physical stuff with someone else. That means much more. It is clear she doesn't like you as she once did. Don't talk to her about it!!!! Judge her based on how she acts, not what she says. If you judge her on what she says, you will be confused like crazy because your mind won't be able to process all her lies rationally.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 April 2007):
 well, all you can do is give her time now. The part about being with another guy would be particularily painful. You should make that clear to her.
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A
male
reader, Martin13 +, writes (18 April 2007):
Martin13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo we haven't really talked about that although I have made it quite clear I'll be gutted. To be honest, I think this partic guy is just a distraction at this point and she is more likely to find someone else locally if she isn't happy.
We have talked quite a bit since and deep down she'd love us to work out but becuase her head is so confused, she has no idea what she wants at the moment. She's made it quite clear she'd love to try and fix the problem but she's no idea how - so moving out for while and taking a break is at least doing something constructive rather than nothing at all.
Who knows.....my mates think this isn't the end of this and she needs some time to reflect and decide what she wants in life. In the meantime, I've just got to get on with things as best as I can.
I guess time will tell.....
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (18 April 2007):
Have you talked with your partner about how the situation will work out, or how you'll feel, should she decide to become sexual with the other man?
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (17 April 2007):
Your lady is not sure about what she wants at the moment. She's told you and it's clear. You were also thinking along the same line months ago. It's possible that your indiscretion, ans that's what it was, cleared the path for her to do the same thing.
What you did was is classified as cheating. You were belittling your relationship by texting the other woman. Your lady did the same thing. It seems you're both guilty of the same thing.
At this point, only time will tell. It will be difficult but you have to give each other some space. The only thing you both know for sure is that neither of you were 100% ready for marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): Martin, all i can say is trust your instincts and feelings. I knew that i couldn't trust my girlfriend but she insisted i was paranoid. I recently discovered that i was right to doubt her. . . i have taken her back on a few occassions but she never changed.
What alerted me to the problem was the fact that I deliberately set out to make her jealous during a conversation and there was no reaction. Her mind was somewhere else and i felt like our relationship was just a hassle.
I attributed my girlfriends first stray to 'grass is greener syndrome' but she has strayed for the fourth time now and i still don't want to accept the fact that she isn't the honest, kind & faithful person i thought she was because i adore her.
Anyway last week she text me accidentally instead of her friend and the text revealed what she had been upto.
I haven't spoken to her since i found out. She has text me saying 'i dont deserve you' 'i love you' 'i would never cheat on you like that' 'ill do anything to have you back in my life'.
As great as those things sound, she's said it all before. Some people aren't capable of changing. I will never doubt my judgement again and neither should you.
If you take her back and you doubt her even for a second, make sure you voice your concerns and DON'T let her tell you that your a 'control freak', 'paranoid' or 'silly'. In my case, those phrases were part of a smoke screen.
Just before we split, my girlfriend said she wanted 'space'. This word means she has probably found someone else and is stringing you along just incase as you suggest.
If she comes crawling back and you can't say no, make sure she understands how betrayed you feel. If you think your feelings go in one ear and out the other then walk away from the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Martin13 +, writes (16 April 2007):
Martin13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think that's fair, although my ex g/f still believes something happened even though nothing did.
Although the one thing I cannot get my head round - she has only met this guys for 10mins - and she's convinced he's a nice sweet guy based on a few phonecalls and texts. She is risking a hell of a lot for a 21yr old she hardly knows?? She has openly admitted that it's unlikely to last when she meets him properly for the first time becuase he has no prospects? I don't get it....although the one thing is does show is that she was truly unhappy in our relationship!
Some of my mates suggest that she suffering from the 'grass is greener syndrome' and it could just be a momentary lapse??
I almost feel like a back-up option. If she finds out she's got it wrong then I'm not a bad fall back option. It doesn't make you feel very good about yourself.
If I had the balls, I'd say to her - I want so sort the house situation out now - so she knows their is closure. At the minute, she knows there is an olive branch. The problem is I don't want to address that issue now becuase I'm not thinking at my most rational.
I've just got to get on with it I guess....it just hurts so much.
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (16 April 2007):
 The difference that I see in this situation is that your momentary lapse in the relationship seemed more one sided (from what it sounds like), yet her lapse was more two-sided where both sides reciprocated their feelings.
If im wrong let me know..
I agree to an extent she does deserve some of the same respect she gave you, but it sounds like she took it that one step further and was willing to do so knowing what was at stake.
Just be sure your trust isnt being clouded by your overwhelming feelings for her.
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A
male
reader, Martin13 +, writes (16 April 2007):
Martin13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThx Rovoftherover....good advice.
The only thing I didn't mention, is that my ex g/f believes that I've had the opportunity to question the relationship which I did and came through the other side. What I said 6mths ago knocked her for six, and she says she has been questioning the relationship and the trust (and not believing much of what I said) since then. She would like that opportunity to question her own feelings?
I've left her in no doubt though that whist the door hasn't bolted, I cannot gurantee I'll take her back should she ever want that. I may have quite simply moved on at that point.
I want to be as understanding as possible knowing what I went through 6mths but without being a walk over? Do you think I am being too easy on her?
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A
male
reader, Royofthe Rovers +, writes (16 April 2007):
I think you know you have to move on.
It is clear she is confused about how she feels about things but you cant be expected to hang in there forever. Its not fair.
If she does come back to you, then you need to be 100% you can trust her not to play you like that again. Can you?
It sounds like she is not being totally honest with you about things. How can she say those things and then say she doesnt know what she wants?
The house needs to sorted one way or another and should not be used as her quick ticket back into the relationship.
Start to wash your hands of her and realise that if it was meant to be she would of never of put you in this position in the first place, no matter how confused she says she is.
If she has to learn her mistake the hardway then so be it, you cant be expected to hang in there while she goes off and enjoys herself with someone else.
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