A
male
age
36-40,
*sedandconfuseductive
writes:long story short. me and my exgf had a controlling and abusive relationship. we are really crazy about each other. i betrayed her trust with a porn issue I was working on but didn't fix fast enough. she found out each time and basically never trusted me since. I did stop months ago but then she would fly away for a week and id look at it to get off. plus i thought it was over. when she'd come back she'd say I can't believe you did it again. just shows you'll never change. that's just an overview. basically I finally left sunday. but i got a uhaul and all my stuff. she called the police and it sucked. im banned from the complex. she texted me that night "how can you do all these mean things to me when I love you so much" so i changed my number. i miss her and want to talk to her again but i know it's a waste for now. to top it off i checked her facebook page (im blocked so i have to use a fake account) anyway all i can see is profile pictures but shes been posting pics of her and some guy who looks pretty young. and a lot of her in a bikini at some nice apartment pool. I'm just losing my mind. someone tell me something.
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male
reader, usedandconfuseductive +, writes (16 July 2011):
usedandconfuseductive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i want the truth. she was always on her phone too texting and deleted all of her msgs as soon as she was done. I don't want to accept that i've been a huge flaming idiot all this time. I know i have my issues and I don't want someone to leave me. I think that's what I did for her. What I would like to happen to me. Either way she was a great person when she wanted to be. She can literally talk anyone into anything and is very attractive. She's a booker for a modeling agency and convinces people to drive or fly to states for a bullshit audition. she's the best in it. here's an older post about us; http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-tolerate-this-madness-or-just-call.htmlI didn't call it quits then. she apologized cried a lot and told me im the only one for her and blah blah blah. I agree I have problems.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): You should have picked porn over her OP because she's the most harmful addiction here, not porn. If you want the truth OP I doubt very much porn was ever an issue, it was just something she could use against you, another issue she could take in order to mess with your head even more.
Don't take this the wrong way OP but you sound very easily led and very prone to addiction. Well this girl has become as harmful as heroin to a junkie, to you. If not worse because you're now stalking her and are completely obsessed.
I have the benefit of your follow up post OP, so with that knowledge I disagree with person12345, I think the porn thing is only a minor symptom of a far bigger disease you have. You need to go seek professional help OP. You seem to be prone to harmful addictions, pills, poisonous relationships and you put up with a hell of a lot of grief that you really shouldn't allow. You need to go get help OP, you need to find a way of dealing with life better than this and for fuck sake stop stalking your ex! She's gone, good riddance.
Honestly ask yourself who the hell would put up with any of those lies and any of this crazy shit that she did? What healthy sane person would allow all this mind boggling craziness into their life. You're going over all the crazy shit that has happened with her but half of all the crazy shit is stuff you not only allowed but participated in, big loans, porn addiction, popping pills, lies, games, stalking, obsession and I'm sure if you think hard enough you could add a hell of a lot more to that list. Do sane people do that stuff?
Something is wrong here OP, these kind of long term behavioural issues don't happen to healthy people. We simply don't allow this kind of thing when we are balanced mentally. So you need to go seek help, you need to go seek CBT or at least get an assessment. Relationships are rough sometimes OP, they can really hurt us and whether this is just a temporary mental dysfunction you have from being completely in love with an absolute bitch or whether this is a deeper cognitive disorder, the best person to talk to is a professional.
Get rid of the fake account, delete everything got to do with her, throw out all reminders and stop listening to the music you shared. She is very bad for you and you need to stay away. Go to your doctor and ask them for a referral, you're American so your physician may try to give you some kind of pills, don't accept them. Only accept pills for your brain from a shrink. Just like you'd go see a dentist for your teeth, go see a shrink for you head.
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A
male
reader, usedandconfuseductive +, writes (16 July 2011):
usedandconfuseductive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay thanks for all the fast answers guys! I was addicted, after time I saw it was bad for me to look at it. I don't think anyone really caught the part that he flew out of state for a week and then wouldn't answer my calls. So that was the reason I looked at it. I had gone 2 months without it and got accused everyday till one day at work I get a text from her sitting in an airplane. She wanted me to open up to her at first so she could be happy w.me. I had to get a restraining order on my ex so I had issues w.very pretty girls. So I opened up. Then she wanted me to quit these pills I was addicted too. After a couple months I finally broke that habit. Then she wanted us to move out of my dads gf's pose because theywere causing problems. So I go to my grandad for the first time in my ode and ask him for money. He gave me $1000 and I spent eery dollar on the deposit and rent. She paid about 250. So once we got the place she wanted me to get a better job. I did. I wanted to keep both so we could have money. Well she said she never got to see me so she made me quit my second job. She's betrayed my trust a lot. She lied to me about ring divorced which she's not. Told me she's from brazil. Had an abortion w.o telling me in another one of her spells where she'd just leave me and ignore me. She would never let me see her bank account and how much money she had. I showe her mine to help explain why I couldn't pay for everything. She said she didn't want me to see hers because I would try to take all of her money. She had a car in some guys name who was "just a friend" and just turned it into the dealership cuz she could use mine. She wanted me to sell mine and let her get one w.me - this was most recent and I said no. She was living w.sole older dude web we first started dating who was "just a friend" but after I visite a couple times she told me he didn't want me coming over there anymore. She also had given me a card proposig to me when we went to her grandads house. This was like 2 months into our relationship. There's alot more looney stuff but don't think I had an angel that I picked porn over cuz that's not true
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 July 2011):
 You know, some women really do get bothered by porn watching by the man, so it's best to keep it on the down low for future reference. It's one thing to snack on the silicone body parts for a little escape time, but it's another to have a glaring history of your habits to flaunt in a woman's face. Bottom line...don't ever let a woman see any internet history of porn.
Usually when a woman catches a bunch of junk on a man's computer, I think "addict" right away, and that's a sad sack of sorry if you ask me. You have a gorgeous girlfriend, yet can't get enough of vacuous eyes and creampies. I'm not a man, but I still will never get it.
But there's something else now. You've pulled the plug on the relationship. I totally understand if it wasn't working out with her, but you shouldn't torture yourself by spying on her Facebook. Hell, you changed your number so that she can't contact you, but you make fake accounts to look at her stuff? Stop now while you can and leave her alone.
You've ended the relationship. Time to move on for good. Leave her Facebook alone. You left her, and now she's free to prance all over the Northern Hemisphere in a thong now, and you can't do anything about it. Maybe talking things out with her might have been better than just hitting the break-bomb and destroying any hope of communication.
You might want to date someone who has a bit more progressive view about porn if you're really touchy about it.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 July 2011):
 I'm not sure if there's anything else going on other than the porn issue since it's the only thing you mention, but it sounds pretty reasonable for her to be upset if you lie to her over and over and continue to betray her about porn viewing. This issue can hurt women an IMMENSE amount, like on the same level as being cheated on for some. Some women attempt suicide, self-harm, crash diet, get surgery, etc... and most women do have a problem with it. It sounds like she has every right to be upset, since you decided porn was more important than your relationship. I don't really know what to tell you other than looking at her facebook isn't helping you move on, so hard as it is, you should try to stop looking.I highly disagree with the below poster. I'm not sure what he's saying isn't affecting the relationship here, does he mean sex life? Because there's more to a relationship than sex. If it's hurting someone emotionally, it's affecting the relationship. I'm always a little stunned when someone on here can describe their relationship falling apart over emotional hurt, sometimes describing utter devastation and a lack of ability to even love their partner anymore and people on here say, "yeah well it's not affecting the relationship since the guy can still have sex physically." I mean here is someone describing a relationship that actually ended due to porn and someone is saying the relationship wasn't affected? I mean pornography is a huge part of over half of all divorces nowadays, so it's certainly not only a problem for "addicts" or unreasonable controlling prude women. When someone would rather have a relationship with porn than with a live person, I'm not exactly sure what else could define someone with a porn problem.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 I don't think there is a porn issue here. You obviously were not addicted to it and just wanted to use it for your own time which every man or woman is entitled too. Porn is only a problem if it actually affects the relationship here. I think the real problem here is that girl wanted you on a short lease in order for her to be happy. Maybe she found someone who will do what she wants but in the end you can't really say you are happy with her and all of this. It is one thing to say you love her but she wasn't good for you. I'm not saying you are perfect but it seems to me that she was the one to make issues out of nothing and you're better off without her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): From what you've said about her, it sounds like you like to perform for her some degree...or at least impress her with your will power and restraint. You lied to her about porn, so some degree she does have a right to be angry and mistrust ou....but the drama with her apartment complex and the facebook pages? Seriously?Quit her cold turkey and stick to your porn.There are women, perhaps not alot of them, but there are women who aren't threatened by porn. I watched one myself today when I got home from work tonight. I occassionally watch one with my boyfriend and I am recommend titles for him when he goes out of town. You might think you love her, but you might just be missing her attention...positive or negative.I'd say give YOURSELF some space and don't contact her for a while. In all honesty, she probably misses you attention and that why she's created all the drama. Remember this: you left for a reason and I think you should stick to that reason.If I were in your shoes, I'de give yourself a 2 week break from her and then try to confront here one on one in a sane way and tell her, that you like porn, you don't want to quit, you don't plan to, and why she shouldn't be threatened. I might have told you to tell her why watching porn and having sex with a person are two completely different things, but from the way you describe her, I doubt she'll understand.Take a time out, be good to yourself and good luck.
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