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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been reading a lots of different opinions on sexless marriages.Some says it is very common after long term marriage, that the marriage becomes sexless, for different reasons. And couples just keep living together sometimes a whole decade without sex. My marriage is also becoming one of those, after years of hot sex, it cooled off, and I feel dreadful to see my future like that. What do you think, what is true, and what is too much of a misconception? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 It may be common, but so what ? there are plenty of things that are common and that does not make them good, healthy or life enhancing.
Mosquito bites are common. Car accidents are common. STDs are common. None of those things makes your life better.
Your responsibility toward yourself is to make the choices that make you happy and your life fulfilling, regardless of what other people do with their life.
If you can handle a sexless marriage, fine. If you can't- you just can't, and knowing that thousands of other people instead can , won't make any difference to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2011): Even in a marriage with regular sex, if the sex is poor or lacks passion, it can be a problem too. I left my wife of 15 years because of a huge disconnect that took maybe 8 years to build. Sex was a big part of it, but the spontaneity and love for each other dwindled as much as the sex. Even up to our separation, we had sex on average once a week, but it was routine, boring, dull and neither of us was satisfied. We spent years trying to spice it up like they say, with date nights, new acts in teh bedroom...all kind sof things. The problum was we lost sight of "US"...that special stuff that brought us together. So we tried to revisit some of thiose things...and it just wasnt the same. I have to say, I was energized by revisiting those old places, seeing our old bands, etc...but she wasnt. Her reaction was "that was the past".So the point i'm trying to make is, dont let just the frequency of sex define your marriage...teh quality of love, passion and lovemaking play into it strongly. I feel now that sex was merely the flower on a large plant. If the plant is not tended to, the flowers wont grow. Sex is the culminating act of a loving couple who have love from all the other things in their relationship, not the other way round. Sex does not create love necessarily.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 It is common, but that doesn't make it right. Exclusivity requires availability, and if you both want a satisfying sex life, you have to be willing to take action.
The biggest thing you can do is avoid getting complacent. You need to think back to how you acted when you were first attracted to each other. I'd be wiling to bet there are at least a few things you have both stopped doing as much since then. Sadly, the nature of attraction (beyond our control) is such that even a legitimate reason for getting lazy (for instance, 14-hour workdays make you too tired to go to the gym) doesn't change the result (decreased attraction). You have to take the time to brainstorm and write down the things you stopped doing since then, and find the time and energy to do them.
Find time to exercise. Find time to flirt - start when you wake up, with a nice long kiss, or just one of you holding the other from behind while you make coffee in the morning. Go to a coffee shop, and pretend you don't know each other so he has to pick you up like a new woman. Go out somewhere to both of you - not someplace like the fancy restaurant you always love, but the kind of place you would have gone on a normal date twenty years ago (romantic dinners are vastly overrated). Call him at work and tell him you're wearing lingerie so he's thinking about it all day. Take the time to ensure each others' pleasure - designate certain nights as being all about him, or all about you, for example.
The point is to get the both of you thinking about sex with each other more often. For that matter, if one of you is horny and the other is ambivalent, just go with it, odds are you'll start getting into it after a few minutes.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 July 2011):
 Sadly, as we age, our sex drives become less. For men -- their testosterone drops and if they are sedentary, they have a greater potential to lose interest.
Women run into menopause which can kill one's libido or make sex painful.
Couple this with a long-term marriage often means that you get into a "routine" which eventually becomes a rut and then an obligation.
There are a few things you can do: one is both recognize that there is a problem, and two, to try and do something about it. You could try going on a romantic vacation, investing in some sexy outfits / attire, or just work on doing things together. Each situation is different and you'll have to decide what works for you. There are plenty of books that can offer suggestions -- its just a matter of finding what works for you.
However, I will say that what you are experiencing is somewhat normal, but it can be overcome with open communication and an effort by BOTH parties.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 July 2011):
 I'm in my 40's and was married for 16 years. In the last 2 years of my marriage, intimate contact happened about twice. In my marriage, it was because my husband was an alcoholic, and also taking many prescription drugs. It was VERY distressing and discouraging to me, I know exactly how you feel. My husband refused to talk to the doctor about his problem, and it eventually helped lead to the total break down of our marriage. I think it may be more common than people talk about that the sex dies down, but it doesn't have to be that way, and SHOULD NOT be that way. Talk to your husband. Find out his feelings, and then figure out how to change things! Go to a doctor or a counsellor if you wish for your marriage to remain happy. Women in their 40's are in their sexual peak and we WANT and NEED love and affection. I wish you all the best, I hope you can come to a happy solution!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): whether it works or not depends on the partners and the reasons why the marriage is sexless.it can work just fine if both spouses are OK with it. maybe both partners have diminished sex drives. if other parts of the relationship are going well and there is love and companionship and trust, and both partners truly don't mind the lack of sex then there's no problem.it's a problem if one partner (or both) are not OK with not having sex. then there will be dissatisfaction in the marriage.it's also a problem if the REASON for the lack of sex (even though mutual) is because of a breakdown in the emotional side of the relationship, i.e. the lack of sex is an indicator that there is a lack of intimacy. in these kinds of marriages, the marriage may still be intact but probably the spouses are emotionally disconnected from each other and maybe are having affairs or side relationships to get their needs met.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 July 2011):
 In my opinion a sexless marriage is roommates, but that's just me. In order to keep your marriage "spicy" you need to put in work. It's difficult to keep things interesting! You both need to come with creative new ideas, try things a little outside the box. Like for instance, having sex in different places than where you normally do. Tell each other your fantasies and see how to incorporate it into your sex lives. Leave each other sexy notes. That sort of thing. Just don't forget it does take a bit of work after awhile. I think a lot of people fall into a comfortable trap of just thinking things can "coast" along without input, and they just can't.
Another thing that's important is to try to keep up some mystery. I know that's really difficult after years of living together, but you know try to put some back in. Like, don't pick your nose or fart or burp in front of each other too much. Try to keep getting dressed and undressed as a sex thing occasionally.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 The only thing you do about it is have sex and tell your husband you still love him. If you go several months without sex, that sex will become fresh again. Your partner is not the same person from months before. Train yourself to look at him as if the first time. How about you initiate it? If he refuses then ask him if a sexless marriage is what he wants because certainly it's not what you want.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (16 July 2011):
 That does happen sometimes but only because the couple is too scared or doesn't really care about the problem or doesn't consider it a problem. Plan a romantic dinner, communicate about interesting things and then make love. If he's not in the mood or that doesn't work, then maybe you two should see a sex counselor/therapist...if you're open to the idea.
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