A
male
age
,
*ipsea
writes:Hey, My fiance has a sexual past that she is not proud of and I'm not either. It's a real problem because I get these recurring disturbing images. She is coming from a really sick marriage in which her husband tried to sell her for sex and his father actually did rape her. My question is this: will these images lessen over time and should i just let go and love her for who she is today, a wonderful lover and friend?
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (2 November 2007):
 At the end of the day, it was not consentual! She DID NOT give him the right to violate her like that, so although she was high/under the influence of alcohol or whatever the case, she did not say YES! So it was rape!
I think that she needs to forgive herself before she can fully move on. It took me years to forgive myself for what happened to me, even though I had no control over what happened. It was in no way my fault, but I felt that I had put myself in that situation, and I can now say without a doubt, it was not my fault and he had no right. But it took years before I could say that. She needs to get to that point before she will be able to move on. The only way she will be able to do that is to get to councelling! And sooner rather than later!!!
So far as making this man pay for what he has done, if it were me in your shoes, I would want him to pay for what he had done, and me as a 3rd party bystander, want him to pay for what he has done. However if your fiance is not strong enough to forgive herself, can you imagine what court would do to her. I went through a court case, the works and can honestly say it was one of the worst experiences of my life. It was so hard to bear because they make YOU the guilty party, and him the victim! Even if its the other way around.
Depending on how she feels after she has been to councelling, she needs to decide whether or not she is strong enough to go through it. But she has to forgive herself. For what, only she can say because she did not give him permission to do that to her, so she has nothing to feel guilty about.
All you can do is be there for her. Make sure she gets help before you and her decide what to do! She will need every bit of support she can get if she decides to go through with it!
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 November 2007):
 As far as guilt, and having something to do with it. She still did not. I can't even remember what show I saw this on. It was with teen girls acting all cool like they could have the power to dress sexy and get away of someone wanted to touch them.
To speak to the girls, they brought out an ex-con. He wasn't in prison for rape or sexual assault, but this was one extremely huge biker. Scared the crap our of the girls. I remember him getting into one of their faces, and he told her the way she was dressed if he wanted to rape her and slit her throat after it was over, there would be nothing she could do about it.
She needs to realize he was an adult. Even as a teen, she doesn't have the ability she does now to sort out information and make some decisions. Any sexual assault is scary. Family sexual assault is not just scary but you're being hurt by someone you're suppose to trust. She would have had to be one big high school girl to overpower an adult male. As far as turning it in. She she would, because she knows more. But back then, that would mean destroying the family. Involving her mother and possibly other family members. Disbelief, and anger. Teens have so much to deal with all ready, this would have really added more to deal with. And the friends thing with girls. I recently spoke with a teen girl who had been raped (outside family) she did the right thing, but now peers talk about her, so she feels blame for what happened also.
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A
male
reader, dipsea +, writes (1 November 2007):
dipsea is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses to my question. The reason that this has been so hard to deal with is that she feels shame about the rape rather that anger toward the father in law. at the time she was high and for this reason she feels that she had a part in his being able to take total advantage of her.I have felt frustration about her not hating this sick person as much as i. he tried many times after that to hit on her and of course she resisted. Tho she tried to fight him off at the time of the incident she feels remorse because it happened and she did not report it. She did eventually tell the husband and this in the end was the event that led to her leaving the marriage. I really look at it now as the event that led her to me. Today she is a loving , sober lady but is still feeling guilt. Though this happened way before i met her it has been an issue that we still deal with. Should we still address it or let the sleeping dog lie.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (22 October 2007):
Take it from someone who was raped at 15, the last thing she needs is someone constantly backing off because of how they "feel for them". We see it as pity and that is so not what we need.
We need someone who accepts that this has happened, but is able to move on and forget about it. Yes, we are a little more "delicate" than the normal person when it comes to things like romance, but we too need a loving person to take us and tell us that no matter what has happened, they will always love us.
The images you get are normal. Its why a large portion of victims dont tell there partners until they are well into the relationship. It makes us feel that you are not with us for pity, but because you want to be there and you want to love us, issues and all!
Love her for who she is! She is still a whole person inside, just a little more delicate than others. She needs your support, love and understanding.
You may find that there are a little more things that she is not comfortable doing in the bedroom, but she still needs your love and affection just the same.
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A
female
reader, terrifenby +, writes (22 October 2007):
 what she needs is some one to talk to, some one she can trust to tell any thing! whatever you do do not force hert to speak, she will talk to you when she is ready! trust me, things like this are very hard to get over and will always be in your mind, you can never foreget about it! but its the people around you act that make you feel better! make sure you let her no that you love her for who she is and what happened to her was no her fault! if she wants some one to talk to tell her to send me a private message, i know what she is going through and some times talking to people you dont know is easier! hope this will help and if you or your fiance need to talk you kno how to reach me
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 October 2007):
Your girl needs to have someone she can talk to. I wouldn't hurt for you to be involved with that process either. I don't know anyone who has experienced a rape who has not developed a long term issue, if not addressed. A majority of the time I see depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
As this issue comes up it's important to re-enforce that rape is not the fault of the victim. She was in a bad situation, and that was not her fault either. The difficulty on your end is rebuilding the feeling of safety and security for her.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): I can't believe you even need to ask the question 'should I just let it go and love her for who she is today'!The point of the matter is she was RAPED! - this wasn't a lifestyle choice nor was it something she had any control over so why wouldn't you be able to let it go and love her? Please remember this is about your partner and not you! I know your going to be involved so yes to a degree you are part of it but remember this is something she has to live with, i personally think that shes sounds amazing to go through that heartace and to still have the courage to open her heart and love someone else.All you can do is be open with each other you need to make sure that you are always there to support her regardless of how hard or uncomfortable you find it because i can quaruntee that shes feeling the pressure alot more than you.Spend time together, make life enjoyable and make sure she feels safe and loved every single day because if nothing else it will make your relationship stronger and together you will find away to live with whats happened.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): You need to love her for who she is now and for the love that she shares with you. Imagine how you feel and magnify it by a huge non existant number.... thats how she feels. She needs you to be there for her when times are tough. these images and nightmares are bound to haunt her for a long time and she wont get through it without you. I hope that she reported the rape and I hope that she has a qualified person on hand to talk he through the way that she feels about herself, what she was subjected to and the way things are now. She needs to come to terms with the past to beable to move on - she cant do that with you wallowing on what has happened.
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