A
male
age
36-40,
*Q_Life
writes:Hi, my girlfriend and I recently split after 15 months with the strain of our long distance relationship (different universities).She had mentioned about a month prior that she thought we wouldn’t have much free time with increased workloads in our final years, but I persuaded her to give it a try.I was wrong and we eventually found time for me to drive down to see her. We talked and decided that she’d been right and we should end it. We were both upset and relieved with the decision but that’s not lasted.She’s clearly upset and wants me to leave her alone for a while because she says she feels used. That hit a nerve, but I will honour her wish to not contact her although I wanted us to part on good terms. It’s been doing my head in as to why she’s feeling like this towards me. Her friends never liked me and have tried to break us up before but she’s very independent and I don’t think she’d let them bitter her feelings.To top this off one of my friends at uni just told me that she had been waiting for me to be single as she has feelings for me. A little insensitive with regards to timing but what can I do? She’s a great friend and knows me better than my ex but I don’t want to make things worse. I’ve asked her to wait before we even think about it so that I don’t upset my ex any more. Having been alerted to my friend’s feelings I’m wondering if I should just move on and take it slow, or wait until my ex is dating, or something. I’ve never had this problem before as I tend to go months before connecting with someone. I don’t want to screw up my ex or my friend by jumping 2 feet in nor do I want to be waiting to hear that my ex has a new guy before I can think about living…Please help me, how can I solve this problem without making waves that will drown everything?Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): For a start the fact that you've posted this question, its a pretty good indication that you're not quite ready to start a serious situation with anyone else just yet. If you were truely over your break up and felt ready to move on with this new love interst you would have done so already. But by all means go out and have find with your friend, get to know one another, but just make it clear that you're not ready for a relationship at the moment. If she is a true friend and genuinely likes you then she will accept this and not push the issue. Love is Patient!
I know it's difficult, but perhaps a good thing would be to get in touch with your Ex even though she's indicated that she doesn't want to. Whilst people say they don't want to see eachother again in painful break ups, it really doesn't allow closure as both is wondering how the other is thinking and feeling and at times even wondering "what if....". Not to mention we tend to say things in the heat of the moment and regret it later. Chances are she's secretly hoping to hear from you. It sounds like you're ex really isn't over you yet, and you're well aware of this. Good on you for being sensitive to her feelings! It shows respect for her, and that you are a true gentleman.
I think if you are feeling up to it you need to make some contact. Maybe in the form of a letter, its more personal, and emails can be written in a flash. Send her a note asking her how her studies are going, exams, etc, and keep her informed about what you've been up to. Mention that you hope she is doing well, and you don't want to lose her freindship. I think iou were friends before, and if it was a strong bond you can remain to be friends no matter how far appart you are. You seem to truely value her as a person, and that is something to be treasured! At the same time try and enjoy yourself with your new friends, and move on when you feel the time is right. most of all focus on your studies and don't let this afffect them! People come and go from our lives, but nothing can take your education away.
Best of luck to you.
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