A
male
age
36-40,
*ittleAlfie
writes:For readers who aren't aware, my girlfriend of two years left me about 6 weeks ago because I was unfaithful. While I was not sexually promiscuous, I had a habit of pushing the lines of flirting until a girl sent me nude photos last November. My girlfriend left me then and during that time I hooked up with my ex. There were no feelings involved, but I did use her as a safety net because I was afraid of being alone. When my girlfriend came back to me, I neglected to tell her about the hookup with the ex, and six months later, an incident with nude pictures occured again. This time she left for good. To add to the trouble, my ex, who is a very vindictive person, told her about our hookup, but told her it was while we were dating. While this is not the truth, I realize I have no way of arguing my defense, since trust is gone anyway. I've made strong efforts in putting this situation to rest in the past. I've cut ties with all former females in my life, including deleting my social networking sites, phone contacts, and making apologies to everyone for both being shady and causing any pain or trouble in their lives. Lately, my girlfriend and I have been making serious progress in rebuilding our relationship. Were both still very much in love with one another. I've explained to her that, though it may be too late, I'm still going to prove that I can change. And I have. She's seen it and I definitely can feel it. We've been open and honest with each other completely. We've crossed the physical boundaries twice but it's not frequent. While we have much to work on, both of us hope to have a future together eventually. However, now she's expressing how she wants to begin opening up to other guys. She says it hurts her to think even think about it, but she feels like she has to do it. While I understand the logic behind it, and agree, I know her and know that she's fighting her heart by doing this. I can't help but feel trapped, because my heart is committed, though it may be too late, to her and only her. I want to do the right thing and let her give others a chance, and I'm afraid of being alone on the backburner, but Im no longer willing to be with anyone else. Because I do love her, because I know she loves me, and because any new girl I would just compare to her, it wouldn't be fair to anyone. Any advice on the situation would be helpful. What are good, practical suggestions on how to deal with my failure and subsequent loss, and more currently, her desire to try moving on?
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flirt, my ex, nude pictures, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LittleAlfie +, writes (14 October 2010):
LittleAlfie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for taking the time to respond. Well, the relationship, so far as our being a couple goes, has been over. She has admitted that she's still romantically in love with me. And obviously it's the same on my end. I'm trying very hard to let her go, but every time I place distance between us, she invites me over. She simply wants me in her life too much and I'm not sure how to respond. I can not hide how I feel, but I don't rub it in her face either. I'm being yanked from hope for the future to never again and back again on a weekly basis and I'm exhausted. I want to let her go, but she doesn't seem as willing, as if she's only wanting part of me. I am at my wits end, but I still am determined to wait for her to no end.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This relationship sounds like its on its last leg. If I were you I would end it, learn my lesson and move on... and the next relationship you're in... stop being such a flirt. When two people are truly in love, they really truly have no need for anyone but their lover. Sounds like this relationship was NOT that, because she certainly didn't have your full attention, according to what you said.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): once a relationship is over is hard to accept it. but you have to do it. let her go. and don't make those mistakes again. good luck
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Welcome back. Well, you're aware of my cynicism here as I've made it well known to you in the past. I think that part of your problem is that 2 months isn't long enough to prove any real change. Sure, you've made a lot of changes in your life, but now the question is, how long will they last? I've seen plenty of temporary change that lasts a few months, sometimes a while longer, but usually things go back to the way they were.
So, what I see in her behavior is a way to push you away and maybe try to "even the score." By proposing such a relationship, she wants to test you. She also wants to see if there is someone better out there for her. You've hurt her, and not just once. At the same time, your unwillingness to give up has her feeling trapped. She can't get rid of you despite the pain you've caused for her. She tried and you worked your way back in. It is possible to love someone but still feel trapped by them.
I would recommend letting her go. The old "If you love something set it free..." Stick to the changes you've made but accept that you need to be on the back burner for now. If she finds someone else, you'll need accept that as well. It is ok to tell her that you'll wait for her but that if she does find someone else she needs to tell you so that you can move on too.
My experience is that open relationships don't work. They can for some, but in most cases people want monogamy.
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