A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi guys,I'm 26 years old and my girlfriend is 23. we have been dating for like four months and everything has been rosy. I'm however bothered by one thing..her choice in friends. Recently she's been hanging out or rather talking to a guy who hurls any insult at her. She cries, gets depressed, ignores him before deciding he needs another chance then the drama starts all over again. I don't want a girl without some self pride to ignore jerks and just have the conviction to say no to such bullshit. but she does and it drives me insane. I've tried telling her to stop but last week she told me its because she cares for this guy and he's going through a rough patch but its too much for me to bear. she's my girl and i don't want anyone disrespecting her like that. i start thinking that maybe she can't let go of him because they have sort of history maybe. Me bringing up this is likely to start another argument.how should I tell her in a way she can understand without offending her? Is my stance even reasonable about all this thats happened? this guy is a jerk and i love my girlfriend. i don't want to be seen as jealous too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): How does she know this guy? Who is he? Why does she care so much about this guy, that she will put up with his abuse? What's this rough patch he's going through? Is she just the kind of girl that takes other peoples problems as her own? These are all questions you need to know.
You need to ask questions not tell her how you think she should be acting. It hasn't worked so far so why keep trying. You need to change your attitude from one of confrontation and telling her what to do and more one of listening and suggesting.
You have to guide her to figure this out on her own, when she comes crying you listen, hold her and ask questions, basically be there for her. If she doesn't figure out by herself how to cope with things like this then it will happen again with someone else. You need to find out as much about this as you can, she won't tell you things if she thinks they'll start an argument, you'll be left out of what's happening between them.
Stop trying to make her understand your view it just makes her defensive, instead let her form her own view. It's not unreasonable for you to want to protect her but, is creating tension between you by constantly trying to force your view on her really protecting her? No, protecting her in this case is a matter of knowledge when you get the details of what's going on you'll be able to better gauge what this guys problem is and you can make suggestions as to how he can help himself.
Use logic and reason, say for example he was going through a rough patch in college failing his exams etc. you could ask her why he doesn't go seek help from the dean, he shouldn't worry because he can repeat. Ask why he doesn't do these little things to sort himself out but in a manner that care that one her friends needs help. She cares about him if she sees you have good ideas then she'll see you're on her side. She shouldn't have to worry about a 'you against him' situation developing, you have to be her comfort, the voice of reason, the person she can turn to without fear of argument.
That's what I do, it gives my girlfriend things to think about. Reasonable things that solve things these little things build up and if he's not sorting this stuff out then it all adds up in her head and she begins to see the guy through opinions she herself formed based on little ideas you gave her. Not actions you told her to take.
She will see this guy for who he is, you have to help the process but not interfere.
I know you'd love nothing more than walk up to this guy and tell him what's what but you can't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): aunt honesty is dead on right there. i feel for u bud.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 Just explain to her that you know she is intitled to be friends with whoever she likes but that you really cant stand by and watch someone hurt her, tell her it hurts you to see her upset over someone being nasty to her and fair enough if this guy is having a hard time but it is still no excuse to be verbally abusive to your girlfriend, tell her this is bullying and he obviously doesnt care alot for her if he is treating her this way.
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