A
male
age
51-59,
*mnesiac_Radar
writes:I'm new to the site, I have a situation which is making me anxious. I met a girl in Feb of this year and we started dating. I was reluctant to at first as she was a lot younger than me, there's an age gap of 16 years, I'm 39. My friends convinced me if this girl liked me then the age gap isn't an issue as she wasn't bothered by it. Anyway, my girlfriend moved an hour away for her job so we don't see each other as often. She's requested I get a job so I can be closer to her. Now she seems to be very busy and not have as much time for me, which I can accept, we understood it wasn't going to be easy. I asked if she wanted to split up and she's totally against it. Today she asked me if I didn't mind her meeting an ex from over 3 years ago, I said I didn't. She claims that she's built the past reltionship up in her head and judged subsequent relationships by that one and wants to ensure that there's nothing there. My girlfriend says it's more about the concept of the relationship in her head than him. Should I be concerned, or is this prefectly normal? As my feelings are involved I'm somewhat confused but accept what she says as I care about her very much.
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male
reader, Amnesiac_Radar +, writes (22 April 2010):
Amnesiac_Radar is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have an update. I'm seeing a new girl, she's more my own age and really nice, we're getting on well and I'm optimistic. There's none of the games that my ex played but I put that down to the age difference. Anyway, I haven't contacted my ex for 3 months now and I also deleted her number from my phone but I've just received a text from her, just making small talk-as if we'd never split up. What's that all about? Even stranger is that her name came up as being the sender yet she's no longer in my contacts, grrr... Sony Ericsson phone! I texted her back-just being polite and told her I'd deleted her number. I have no intention of establishing a friendship with her as I don't want to jeopordise what I now have. What are her intentions? Or am I reading too much into this?
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 Congrats on finding someone new and more worthwhile. Your ex was being a jerk.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 January 2010):
Keep going with the new women. Your ex had her chance and blew it. Get rid of her and get to know your old flame again.
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A
male
reader, Amnesiac_Radar +, writes (9 January 2010):
Amnesiac_Radar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing, my ex wanted to spend New Yars Eve with me but I think that's merely as she didn't have anything planned, and I managed to talk her out of it as she was staying at her parents and it wasn't commutable as no buses and taxi fares were double. The following day she ignored me and said she didn't want to stay in touch-which I originally told her anyway, is she just confused/hurt? I must admit, I was a little bit interested, but just felt I was being used as she had no plans.
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A
male
reader, Amnesiac_Radar +, writes (9 January 2010):
Amnesiac_Radar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere's an update in case you're interested. I had a chat with my now ex and told her I was unhappy with the whole situation and wanted to end what we had. It turns out she still loves her ex and was planning on meeting him. Bizarrely enough, the following day I also bumped into an old college flame that I hadnt seen in 13 years and arranged to meet her. Since this, my ex claims she 'can't be arsed' meeting her ex, which I thought was odd considering what she'd told me. I just assumed he wasn't interested in her any more. Anyway, out of this I've managed to meet someone who I wouldn't have if me and my ex hadn't split up as it changed my plans and took me to a different city and forced this meeting with my ex college flame, all purely by happenstance. I don't believe in fate although this incident is beyond coincidence. I'm meeting the old college flame ext week, so will update you should things become interesting, although I'm going with an open mind.
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A
male
reader, Amnesiac_Radar +, writes (19 December 2009):
Amnesiac_Radar is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked my girlfriend: 'If there is something there, what then'? She replied: 'There wont be, I dont even know him'. Anyway, we're meeting up over xmas as she's staying with her family. I guess when I see her I'll get an idea of the status of our relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Yes, be concerned. Exes are offlimits in any relaionship. (unless they have common children, etc.) For her to say she needs to "see if anythings there" is saying that shes not content where she is, if she were she wouldn't have any interest in meeting w/ an ex. Chances are w/ such an age gap she thinks she's got the upper hand, she most likely takes you for granted. What you need to realize is that you actually have the upper hand here. You have 16 years more experience at relationships then she does, plus your 16 years smarter. Don't let her take advantage of you!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 December 2009):
Yes, I would be concerned. I judge my current relationship by the current relationship, not past ones. There's nothing even cryptic there. I want to make sure nothing's there? The unsaid part of that sentence is and if there is something there I don't want to throw it away. I don't know if you should break up with her over it, lots of people aren't over their exes. But you definitely need to keep an eye out on this one.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 December 2009):
So what she is really saying is that she wants to see if there is something with her ex? Yes, be concerned, because what she is REALLY saying in that cryptic message is that she wants there to be something so she can go back. What if there is? Then you're second best. And if there isn't? Then you're still second best because she went back to him. She sees you as the comfort blanket. Yes, you care about her. But she does not care enough about you at all. She's still in love with her ex. Let her go, find someone who isn't so wrapped up with there past life.
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