A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello friends,I have been very close to a girl and we even proposed to each other. We hung out for a while and then because of her family problems we broke off. We decided to remain friends after that. We kept going back and forth initially and were finding it very difficult to adapt to this new relationship but we became quite habituated to it and behaved like friends. I really love and respect this girl from the bottom of my heart and don't want to lose her. Now the thing is, we are getting carried away to the magnet of love once again and she has become quite emotional towards me regarding it. She wants me to be committed to her once again and even I show my love to her very much. She has again started talking about our marriage and stuff and this really disappoints me. I want her to think practically regarding it, that it is next to impossible and our parents won't agree to it as there are many factors against us. I want this relationship to keep going for as much time as possible and we can still remain more than just friends. Even she understands everything but she's being very possessive and expects me to stand by her and face any circumstances which may come in the future. Friends, I just want to be her more than a friends and always love her, but this marriage stuff is turning my head as I am in no position to give any commitment and want to stand on my own feet first. Also, I don't think this relationship will go anywhere and it is not in our favour. We are spoiling our good friendship remembering our past good times. How should I make her understand this?? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE  +, writes (17 January 2009):
 I have experienced what you are feeling right now, 9 years ago. I had a girlfriend who was possessive, dominant and passionate that me losing her would have caused tremendous pain. She got me hooked and played her cards well. In her arsenal, she played tricks and directed me where she wants me to go. I have to hand it to her, she finished Psychology as a major.
Then comes the marriage thing, she insisted upon. I know that I want to marry her but not now. It could be a couple of years from now but not now. But she likes it now, what am I supposed to do? She already made reservations to the church! She already made wedding invitations to her friends and relatives without me knowing that I am about to get married!!! When I went for it this "marriage thing" it only lasted for less than two (2) years. I wasn't ready. I preferred a quiet civil wedding but she preferred a festive reception. Now tell me, do you want to get married and last approximately two (2) years or do you want it in a lifetime?
You are 18-21, time is still on your side. At 30, it will be your prime. At 40, life begins. At 70 it will be too late for you. For what? To have children but not to get married. You can still call the priest even when you are over 70 to get married.
Marriage is a ceremony where people you know gather around to have a celebration. What is the difference between that and a fiesta or a posh extravagant party or a Christmas Eve party? Marriage should be meaningful, it is when two hearts bravely and lovingly surrenders themselves before God that they will be together till death do you part and they should mean every word spoken. It is not a party.
When is a man ready? The man is ready when he kneels before a girl and gives the girl an engagement ring. Can you afford an engagement ring, a church wedding and to raise a family? If not, then you are not ready.
It is not advisable to force the issue of marriage on anybody. Marriage is something that happens before any divorce or annulment. It will only lead to some disastrous effect. Take it from me, I've been there and done that.
Marriage is only a piece of paper, a contract which if one of the parties wants to get out from - it will be really be messy and costly. Marriage is not a requisite for love or to have children. The purpose of marriage is simply to have legitimate children and defines property division in case of annulment or divorce. Marriages are ownership papers, that you can file bigamy, concubine or adultery against the offending spouse. Marriage is easy to get into but hard to get out from. Marriage does not guarantee that your spouse will be loyal to you or to his obligations. Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence (such as imprisonment for life without parole).
Love is superior and everlasting than marriage. Marriage only compliments love. Marriage is honorable when you have children. Married life is troublesome and problematic, while love is not. There will be problems emerging in a marriage (i.e. in-laws, new financial problems, new behavioral and personality adjustments and many others). There can be a marriage without love and there can be love without marriage. Tell your girl, does she really prefer?
It is never too late to get married but is always too late to be in love. All happens in good time. If I have a time machine, I will go back 9 years ago to break up with my girlfriend before she becomes my ex-wife.
My advice: You and your girl are still young. Never be in haste. Tell your girl not to force marriage on you, if your relationship with her continues. Tell her to wait for you to bend on your knees and for you to speak the words "Marry me."
Print my reply and hand it over to your girl. Let me know what she thinks about her views on marriage.
Tell her, LOVE is patient. All will happen in good time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): It's a little confusing to me that you say you love her and want to be with her, and then you turn around and say that the relationship will not go anywhere.No wonder the girl is getting confused!I think you need to figure out exactly what you want before you tell her anything. Take a time out for a week or so, and figure this all out for yourself before you get her involved. Once you decide what you want, tell her. But you can't go back and forth. You need to make a decision and be done with it. No friends with benefits...in fact if you decide that all you will be is friends, you should probably take a break from each other for a few months so you can transition mentally.Good luck.
...............................
|
