A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My gf of 7 months has just dropped a big bomb on me out of nowhere, she says she wants to go travelling for a year, her friend who has been travelling has put some ideas into her head that it would make her more confident and happy in herself, shes bored of her life here and feels it lacks meaning. iv dealt with that feeling for a long time as im sure lots of people do.i dont doubt that it would make her a better person, but she has lots of fears almost enough to keep her housebound, and her mum dosent help, she keeps her down all the time and would undo the self finding when she gets back, and since meeting him the other night she wants to adress those fears....iv been trying to get her to face her fears for ages, and this guy comes along, says a few words to her and boom she has the motivation. she said he told her the same things iv been telling her, how comes my words have no effect, but his do? im also a tad...no actually very scared and mixed up about the whole travelling thing, i feel bored with my life etc but have to because i cant exactly cut ties and go, im too much of a homely person, have the ambition to go and travel etc. so in that respect i could be jealous?why the fears that she wants to travel, why do i feel a little hurt? paniced and fear? would it be jealousy because its what i want to do and find out what i want in life or scared because i dont want this relationship to end, i ultimatley know that being appart for vast amounts of time can change a relationship drastically, and also how on earth would i deal with this? iv told her that i support her fully and she knows im dead scared...what more can i do? :( thank you aunts - bacon
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male
reader, Candleman  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 Why his words and not yours....
He provided a solution that is appealing to her. Did you ever suggest traveling for a year to find herself? If you never did, then you didn't say the same things as he did. Sure all the points about facing your fears etc, but never this idea which her friend backs up by sharing the experiences he had. (Which if you had suggested it, then his experiences provide more weight to the arguement.)
I think the primary emotion bothering you is the fear of losing her. Your ideal is for her to work on her issues with you, all the while creating a stronger relationship with you.
Her going away for a year cuts you completely out of the equation, puts her in far off places doing god knows what.
Your biggest fear is if she finds herself, then it will not include you.
I feel for you bro. You're in a tough lot. But, like the old saying goes, if you love something set it free. If it comes back to you then it was yours. If it doesn't, then it never was.
The problem w/ that saying is that right now she is yours. You have a better chance of being with her if she doesn't go away. But, if this is something that she really needs to do in her life, can you say that you truely love her if you talk her out of going? Or, are you more worried about yourself instead of what is best for her?
The excuse about her mum would twist her back into her old self and negate any positive effect is not a fair arguement. It is one sided and reflects your fear. Sure, it is quite possible that it is true, but if anything, that is something to be addressed after she gets back.
You're kinda in a situation to where you are forced to face your fear. If you don't support her, then she could hold it against you which means you could lose her whether she goes away or not.
Again, I feel for you. Just know that if you support her in this then she will know that you truely love her. Express your fear to her, show your tears. Let her know you are supporting her because you love her. Not many people would be mature enough and loving enough to show such support. By creating this positive image, she knows exactly the kind of guy she has in you. And, she'll have a very hard time finding another to equal you, no matter where she goes.
Best Wishes and Strength
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (8 October 2009):
 I’m impressed with you. Your questions reflect a relatively centred.
The answer is YES. You feel scared and a little envious (envious of her ability to drop everything and explore the world and envious that her friend's words appeared to carry more weight than yours). You may even fear that she is leaving you for a year and that she may not you when she is back, or that she may meet someone while away.
You have said everything right. Keep encouraging her. If she thinks you are opposed to this, she may resent you for it. Being with someone for seven months at your age is not the kind of relationship that should have her abandon her dreams.
True love will withstand a year’s separation and knowing you believe in her (don’t let her know you have fears anymore) will be invaluable to her.
Here is what you need to keep in mind/do.
1) She has motivation to go, but that doesn't mean she will. It costs a lot of money to travel for a year. Where will she get the money? Will her mother undermine her motivation to travel?
2) You can visit her in various places. This way you get to participate in the travelling and yet you do not have to cut any ties. It will be exciting for you both.
3) If she does go, talk to her openly about your fears. Help her to take the necessary steps to protect herself. Buy her mace, buy travel books about the places in the world she may wish to avoid, buy her a phone card so she can call you at anytime. This will help both of you.
4) If she does not actually take a year to travel, you can suggest a vacation, just the two of you.
Good luck.
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