A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. We both loved each other endlessly from almost the very beginning. For me, she is the love that I have searching for my whole life and from letters and notes from her I am her one and only.She is real big on communication and so I changed my ways and also became big on communication. Last weekend she wanted to go out with her girlfriends from church and I was perfectly fine with it since I had just gotten back from a week long trip. I didn't hear from her again until the next morning. So I tell her that I have trust issues stemming from (what I can tell) women that I have worked with that cheat on their husbands without fail. I'm also lacking self confidence. She says that she understands and it's all okay, no harm no foul. I notice that she is a little standoffish and then on Wednesday she calls me and tells me that she needs some space, she still loves me and we aren't breaking up but she needs some space to figure things out. She says that she is freaked out and really overwhelmed right now and thought she was over her past relationship and all of the issues that it created in her. She also said that she's not sure if she's ready for a serious relationship. (I thought ours WAS serious)Now here's her backstory, she's 29 and has been divorced for 4 years from a very controlling husband that abused her physically and emotionally. She has no contact with him anymore even though she has 2 children with him. She just quit her job at her family owned business to go back to college full time, is starting college full time in 2 weeks and had a childhood friend that recently died. She also takes anti-depressants. I'm lost, heartbroken and scared out of my mind. I really am lost without her right now.Thanks for listening
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): Sorry but your reply to her email comes across as quite needy to me. She's asked for space and said that she'll see where things stand when you come back from your deployment.
I think you should have said that you understand and you'll leave it up to her to contact you when you return. You've already apologised, just give her the space that she's asked for. I know from experience how difficult that is, but if you keep contacting her or asking how she wants to contact you, you'll drive her away.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): ORIGINAL POSTERThanks for everyone's input, I appreciate your replies. This is an email that I received from her this morning. I had already steeled myself for this so I hurt but not as bad. "I appreciate your emails. Go on your deployment. I don't want you to make any decisions about your job because of me and the stress that I am under. I realized that I am just not ready for a serious relationship. I need time to focus on myself and getting where I need to be as far as feeling fulfilled as a woman. Go on your trip and when you get back we can see where we are at. I just need some time to do this school thing on my own. I think that all the stress that I am under has really freaked me out. I am still just trying to work all of this out. I just need more time. I am sorry."To which I replied, "I appreciate your openness and honesty. I know now that you are under a tremendous amount of stress and I didn't help at all. I know that what I was feeling, what I said and my insecurities and issues triggered something in you that might have made you feel like you were going to end up in another relationship like you had with your ex. I want you to know that I would never, ever purposely hurt you and you have always made me try to be a better man because you, your kids and my kids deserve that. We had a great thing going and I am extremely disappointed in myself that I screwed it up. I will be working on myself while I'm away.I'm not mad at you and I steeled myself for this moment. I have been praying a lot these past few days and that has helped me to calm myself and steady my mind. I do hope that we can work through this and be a better and stronger couple in the end.I love you, I trust your decision, I believe in you and support you through everything 100%.As far as communication between us goes, how would you like that to work? If you don't want to hear from me that will be hard but I will understand."Well now what???
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 August 2013):
 That letter to her sounds like a good start. I'm glad you've got an open mind to see where you messed up.
I have long said that a future relationship partner must never be made to pay or make up for the baggage and issues from prior relationships, and I still believe that is true.
However, even if your girlfriend had never had an abusive and terrifying ex in her life, your insecurity and questioning and constant need for reassurance that your partner is not going to leave you would choke out any relationship.
I'm going to give you a glimmer of hope here if you play your cards right. She didn't slam the door on you for good because you two have had 2 years together. I don't know if you've at times asked her or indirectly signaled a need for reassurance or showed fear at her independence before, but given your reaction to her weekend away, I'd say you have. She still sees a good man in her, but this break is a perfect time to show her that ACTIONS speak louder than words.
You've written her, so give her a couple of weeks to herself. In the meantime, fill your life with things to do. It would tax ANY relationship to burden your partner with being your everything. What I mean is - sometimes insecure or non-confidant men or women will try and make their partners meet ALL of their emotional needs constantly, to be their parent, sibling, friend, therapist, psychologist, caretaker, all of it. They constantly need reassurance and are always testing their partner and watching for the first sign of boredom or disloyalty, freaking out and becoming hyper-anxious at the first sign of perceived trouble. They are high maintenance, indulging that insecurity and constantly either directly (like in the case of your girlfriend's ex) or passive-aggressively sucking the life out of their partners due to grievances and issues that never get resolved. Neediness, trust-issues, and the sort are self-centered and selfish in nature. How can a self-centered person love someone else when they can't see past themselves?
Women need strong guys, emotionally and physically and mentally. She doesn't need to hear about all the things you see wrong about yourself. She needs a guy who is striving to better yourself, to face your imperfections as a challenge to be conquered, not as catalysts of neediness and clinginess. She needs to hear that from this day on, you're choking out those anxieties because nothing stops you from making your mark on the world.
Take this time to reinvent yourself. Gone are the days of neediness and insecurity. Gone are the days when yourself is your most popular thought. Instead, start setting goals! If you're slightly overweight, that's easily fixed! If you're insecure, take that anxiety and channel it into a desire to change! Put down the potato chips and pick up a bicycle or visit a dietitian! You'll be amazed at how much simple exercise will improve your sense of well-being! It's better than any pill, and if you really embrace wellness, within a year, you won't believe that this person who wrote this DC post is the same as the confident strong man you become.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2013):
 I don't think I could say it any better then YouWish did already.
But after 2 years together you OUGHT to have had more respect and trust IN HER to not let your imagination go nuts and freak out that she didn't contact you for ONE day.
SHOW her you RESPECT and TRUST her by RESPECTING her wish for a break. Maybe if she can SEE that you DO NOT break whatever promise (no contact or whatnot) she won't end it.
Jut like it's NOT fair that she compare or look out for behavior she saw with her ex (but honestly understandable, as she wishes to survive and thrive), it's CERTAINLY not fair that you compare HER to unfaithful co-workers. YOU are not dating them, you are dating her. You can not lump all women into a "cheater pile". She on the other hand isn't lumping you into a "abuser pile" she is trying to navigate the world AFTER have gone through a traumatic experience of being in a abusive relationship. TWO different things here.
Don't try and FIX things unless... SHE asks for your help or advice.
So in short. BACK OFF. Let her lead.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 August 2013):
You sound like a sweetheart of a boyfriend.
If sounds like your girlfriend is dealing with a lot of unresolved issues. None that you have caused. She sounds like she is starting to deal with them. She may even be interested in someone new. Sorry for that last sentence, but I think it needs to be said.
Give her the space she needs. But I wouldn't wait around to she what she decides. I think you need to occupy your time with positive stuff. Go out with your friends, hit the gym, focus on your family, read a good book etc. Don't let her think that you are sitting at home waiting for her to make up her mind. Live your life.....she is living her's.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): ORIGINAL POSTER Thank you everyone for your open and honest advice. I sent her an email this morning apologizing for what I had done and told her that I was going to look for a counselor. (I am) I owned up to my issues and apologized profusely like was suggested. I let her know that I wasn't angry at her reaction and that I would be here if and when she was willing to talk. I also let her know that I would be and am nothing like her ex since my family was abused by an old step father and I wouldn't ever do that to anyone else. That is the last of my communication with her. HOWEVER, she will be attending her friends funeral on Sunday. Should I message her and ask how she is doing afterward? I'm a fixer and it kills me that I hurt her and can't do anything to fix it.ALSO, to clarify things. I didn't fly off of the handle or accuse and make accusations (but I can see how she might have felt that way) about her not texting until the next day. I told her that it upset me because she usually requests the same thing from me and she didn't reciprocate. I then told her about my trust issues and am insecure (slightly overweight) how they don't stem from her AT ALL but is something that I've had inside of me for a very long time. I tried to be open and honest but like was suggested I think I hit a suppressed issue of hers when I told her about this.I'm praying that it isn't over and I now know that I should have worked on self improvement a long time ago but I was trying to be a "tough brute man" and not go see the shrink.
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A
male
reader, mathguy +, writes (16 August 2013):
Here is the perspective of a man who was recently in an abusive relationship.I made the mistake one time--one time out of our entire 16-month relationship--of not calling her all day until 10:30 PM because I had been busy at a work-related conference from 8:00 AM until 10:30 PM that day and my cell phone had malfunctioned. Her response was to drive 40 minutes to my apartment and demand to know what I had been doing. She screamed and cursed and insisted that I must have been cheating on her, although there were dozens of people who could have vouched for my location and activities at all hours during that day. The fact that I strongly defended myself against her charge of cheating was, bizarrely, further evidence of my guilt in her eyes. She then proceeded to loudly use the "n" word to refer to my behavior; mind you, we were outside in my racially diverse neighborhood and I was quite frightened. Now that I have gone through this experience, I have looked back upon it to see if I can, through hindsight, identify any red flags to use in the future to avoid being in another similarly abusive relationship. If you think I will take kindly in the future to someone becoming upset at me for not calling in for ONE evening when she already knows I will be busy doing something (even if her reaction is much more mild than my ex's), then you are sadly mistaken. If you think I will take kindly in the future to being accused of cheating upon no evidence at all, then I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn. I would be terrified if any future girlfriend of mine did those things to me.She may be perfectly ready to be in a seriously relationship, but _you_ might not be.I agree with WiseOwl on this. Do not stalk her or call her incessantly, because that too may trigger past memories of abuse, as it would for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): I expected female aunts to hit you where you deserve it.
My largest concern is that leaving you doesn't become a volatile situation for her; if she does decide to leave you.
No stalking or persistent attempts to communicate; if she doesn't want to talk to you. PLEASE LEAVE HER ALONE!
I hope you'll accept this; if you don't accept anything else we say to you.
Women/people who have been through emotional and physical abuse never really lose the scars. If they survive it, they may be stronger in many ways; but there are triggers that send them back to those times of terror.
I don't want this to explode, and just want to know that she can make her decision without fear. She pulled back; because you may have set-off one of those triggers.
I wrote this to re-emphasize "no contact." She may be under therapy, and the effectiveness of any help she receives depends on a safe and calm environment.
You, knowing what she has been through in the past, should realize better than anyone; she didn't do anything deserving to be chastised for not calling in. She is a grown woman, not a teen on curfew. There is no excuse.
So please do not be tempted to bother her. Allow her the space, and she will deal with things when she feels she is emotionally able to handle it all. It goes deeper than you'll ever know.
Meanwhile, get a handle on yourself. Check your temper,
and take what's coming to you. The aunts aren't finished with you.
Good advice isn't always easy to swallow. It's not effective unless it gets to the core of the matter.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 August 2013):
My answer is going to be simple for you, because the reason why she's backing away from you is glaringly obvious:
You blew it BIG TIME.
You *know* that she had a very controlling spouse, and that he took it to an extreme.
So what do you do? You start taking issue with something she had a right to do, and she gave you no reason NOT to trust her. That *is* controlling her! You were gone for a week. She was gone on a "girl's weekend out" and you flipped out that she waited a day before talking to you? Did you MEAN to traumatize her?? That's what her ex-husband did before he hit her, and that insecurity taken to an extreme had her traumatized to the point where she is no-contact with him and takes antidepressants!
You also gave a reason that all of your co-worker women cheated? Where is that her problem? Truthfully, you couldn't have wrecked your relationship any better than if you told her that you hated her and she was fat.
She needs someone without trust issues, and she really needs a guy who won't flip out because she didn't rush back to communicate with you after a weekend away. You showed behavior her ex did. She has done absolutely nothing to destroy your trust. Going out for a weekend with church friends is hardly cheating on you.
You need to get your head on straight and apologize profusely and tell her that you trust her and would never try to control her or take issue with her freedom. She was in emotional prison with her ex, and your words to her after her weekend was PUTTING her right back in that cage she fought so hard to break free from.
Do you get me?? She doesn't need an insecure guy with trust issues. She needs a guy who believes in her, trusts in her, and supports her while she's with you AND while she's away from you.
THIS is why she needed space. She's waiting to see in you that you are the OPPOSITE of her ex, and that you will never impose your issues onto her, and that you are happy WITHOUT RESERVE that she has a rich and full life.
You also need to work on your own confidence, insecurity, and trust issues, because THAT is what causes people to become controlling, jealous, insecure, obsessive, and ultimately abusive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Give it to her!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): Thanks your input WiseOwlE. Not exactly heartwarming but it was what I was of expecting to hear. We have never had any arguments or anything and this took me by complete surprise to be sure. A good cry and some praying and I am feeling a little better and ready for the worst. After a text asking if she WAS breaking up with me she said that "I don't want to but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship. When all of this happened I got really freaked out and overwhelmed."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): When people ask for space, they are contemplating a breakup; no matter what they say at the time. They are postponing the emotions and drama associated with a breakup; until they feel they've made the right decision and can deal with your reaction.
Two years, seems almost a magic number for many couples who write DC regarding the demise, or decline, of a relationship.
You've hit that 2-year mark; so now she is reassessing the past. There is something that has occurred recently and going on in the present, that brought her to this point.
Who knows what's going on in her head. The thing is, people who want to breakup with us will not reveal all the details.
All they know is that they can't stay on course. It's not working for them. It starts with asking for space to think.
It really means distance to contemplate their decision; and to handle their own pain and discomfort. To get things in order, for what they know will be very difficult and heart-breaking on both sides.
It will be only natural that you'll be totally devastated.
So even if the plan isn't to breakup, prepare yourself as if you know now that is the case. It's so unfair when the person who initiates the breakup gets a head-start. As someone who was dumped without warning, I am giving you the advice to prepare in advance for whatever the outcome. It's better that way.
I read your post and see several clues that show how you idolize this woman, and you've placed her high up on a pedestal. I see also that you even show signs of mild obsession; which is going to make a breakup very difficult.
Which is why she has asked for space. She knows this is going to be crushing, and she waited far too long to do it.
She has been planning this for a long time. She can't handle a relationship with you anymore. She needs out.
She knows you, and anticipates how it will be when she gets the nerve to tell you she needs to end it.
I hope I am wrong, for your sake. However; it's better to be in the mindset that your girlfriend is leaving you, and find out the opposite. It would be totally devastating to hold on to the false-hope she wants to stay, and be told she wants to end it.
Keep a positive attitude, and be willing to accept the worse case scenario. Get all your support-systems in order.
Contact your friends and family to let them know you'll be needing their help and support. Allow yourself to deal with your pain and grief, go online to find support groups that help men to get through grief, and the pain of loss. Read everything online regarding getting through a breakup. How women think, and how they deal with initiating the breakup.
Education makes it easier to deal with.
My friend, I read your post thoroughly. I made sure that before I responded, that I carefully thought-out my advice.
My answers often aren't as short as many aunts; because I take these posts to heart. They sometimes hit home.
I see many signs that point toward a breakup, and I can see you very intuitively picked them up yourself. You were able to express them in a very eloquent and detailed manner.
Your mind is going to be filled with questions and you will hold on to denial. You will be numbed by shock and then emotions will run through you and overwhelm you. I've been there and I know. So I'm preparing you ahead of time. That is what you really reached out for, by asking how to approach it. You don't want, nor deserve wishy washy sugar-coated advice. There may be no happily ever-after.
There is no format, no template, no instructions for this.
Just suggestions that may help you to prepare. You require sensitivity and reassurance. Just know that she is suffering while she is using this time. She is in emotional conflict and fearful of the unknown. She is terrified of making a mistake. She is torn apart by something she can't relate to you; because you'll never fully understand. She knows you will beg her to change her mind, but she can't.
So start your grief now. Call your closest friend(s). "No contact" is what she has requested from you. Honor it.
It will be painful not to, and have her ignore you. Give her as much time as she needs. Minimum 30 days. I mean no text messages, calls, e-mails, or sudden visits. Don't stalk her on Facebook. No creepy stalker crap. Maintain your dignity.
Do not let anger cloud your judgment, or make you do anything foolish. Tantrums and violence are totally unacceptable. Retaliatory reactions deserve intervention from the police, so keep that in mind.
Avoid alcohol and stay the hell away from her. It will serve you no good to bother her now. She suffers from depression, and you know the details on that.
Being a man over 30, you are not new to this. So childish behavior is totally out of the question. Absolutely out of the question.
Be a man about it. Face it with courage and strength.
That doesn't mean not to allow yourself to grieve.
You can't heal if you don't grieve the loss, and experience every associated emotion. That's human. It initiates healing.
Just keep it together until you know the facts. Then deal with your pain like a man.
I wrote three articles regarding recovery and survival after breakup, what the dumper is thinking, and what mixed signals mean after a breakup. Read them, they will offer you some insight. They're not full of psycho-babble, just my human experience.
Good luck, and let me know if I may be of any further help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2013): So when you didn't hear from her for one night, you freaked out and got clingy?I would want space too if I were her. A church-related outing with churchgoing WOMEN is about as innocent as it gets. It's not like she went to a bar and came home wasted with no panties on, or something of that nature.You say her ex-husband was controlling and abusive. I'm betting he didn't start their relationship off by hitting her, yelling at her and restricting her behavior, or she'd never have been with him in the first place. Abuse of any kind seems to start small and then escalate. His control of her probably started with little things, too. "I don't like it when you hang out with __." "You shouldn't be wearing a ___ that ___." Or even just the seemingly innocuous "Just calling to see what you're up to"... several times a day. Abuse victims will make and make these individually small concessions till the abuser has them isolated from their families, friends, and passions in life; then they stay with the abuser because they have nowhere else to turn.Your comments to her about you having trust issues may be TRUE (they sure sound like it) but to a woman who has been through the evolution of a relationship into abuse, they may sound a lot like the small initial manipulations of a man who goes on to become much more controlling of everything she does.No wonder your response threw her a red flag. You'd been away for a week, but when you didn't hear from her for ONE night you panicked. The message that sends her is that while it's okay for you to do one thing, you're only comfortable with her doing something else.You sound like a nice and well-meaning guy and I'm sure this is not how you MEAN to come across, but given her prior history you need to consider how your insecurities may sound to her like something more sinister. Let her think for a second that you're becoming like the guy she tried to hard to get away from, and you'll lose her.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 I really feel for you. It's a horrible situation to be in. Actually all you can do is stand back a little and ask her what would really be a help to her.
Sometimes you have to show respect for your loved one's feelings by letting go.
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