A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with my friend for about 12 years. We went to University together. We don't see each other often as we live quite far away but we talk a lot on the phone. Sometimes a couple times a day.She was with a guy for 5 years. She never met any of his family and sometimes he would go missing for days. I told her he probably has another women. She totally disagreed and it lead to tension among us.She later found out she was pregnant. He asked her to have an abortion. She later found out that he has a girlfriend who he has been with for 3 years out of the 5 years they have been together. Also he lied about his age is is actually 4 years younger than what he told her. This other woman was also pregnant at the same time and she has met all of his family and is in fact a staple in his family.I was upset to learn of this. She contacted his mother and his mum was upset and said that she is going to talk to her son. Rather than come clean to his mum. He said that my friend was crazy and that the baby she is carrying is not his. He just had a one night stand with her. His mother relayed this to my friend and told her to sort her life out and never contact her again.When my friend told me I said to her that was the perfect opportunity for him to come clean to his mother. Yeah she would probably be upset with him for a while but she will get over it.I get frustrated with my friend. She has taken him back and she knows that he has another woman. He goes missing for weeks on end then just turns up on her doorstep and she welcomes him with open arms. He is also not contactable when he is gone he refuses to give her his mobile number that all his family has. I feel like he just uses her for sex and money and does not care about the child he has with her.I always say to her why does she allow him to treat her like this. She is a beautiful woman who has her pick of guys. She has has a nice home, educated and and a nice person. It breaks me that she does not see it.Furthermore she is deliberately trying to get herself pregnant by him again and his not taking any contraception. I just feel like this is such a selfish act she is not thinking about the poor child that she is bringing into the world. She has had 2 miscarriages a sign it is not meant to be. She called me to say he is coming this weekend and that they are going to be like a family. I said to her you are not a family. This guy is just using you and you are allowing your son to see you being treated like a doormat. She has fallen out with me. I feel drained every time I talk to her. One minute she is like he takes her for granted and the next minute she excuses his behavior saying that she just needs to learn to be patient with him. Shall I just let her go? What do I do? What advice do I give her? Have I been to harsh with her?
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (17 August 2013):
I have two best girlfriends. I have had some struggles over the past couple of years....and I'm sure I have drained them. They have never left my side. I'm so grateful for them. They have been my rock. They have love and cared for me. Even when I'm sure I drove them nuts.I look at friendship this way. It can be draining. Your feelings may be hurt. badly, but a friend is always by your side. Friendship is not easy.If she needs space I would give it. But I would not turn my back on someone who I have valued for decades. If you were in this situation, feeling desperate, wouldn't you want support? Tell her the truth. Tell her you love her and will support her and the baby. But don't pass judegment. She needs to live her life as she feels fit. You sound like a valuable friend. I think she is scared and alone. I know I would be.Good Luck Friend!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2013):
 I would give her some space, she KNOWS how you feel - but it's HER life to live - HER mistakes to make. I'm pretty sure she KNOWS he is a bad apple and waste of her time and hopefully she will realize this (sooner rather then later) but you CAN'T MAKE her end it because the relationship is BAD for her.
All you can really do is support her and if she KEEPS doing the same stupid thing over and over, then moaning about getting hurt - what CAN you do? Back away.
I understand you care for your friend and you WANT to help her, right now though, she doesn't WANT that help. She doesn't seem to understand that SHE can DO better then him, that she DESERVES better then him.
It's like the proverb, you can drag a horse to water... but you can't make it drink.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 August 2013):
 The mistakes that you are seeing her make are HER mistakes.. and SHE will have to live with the fallout from them.
As a friend (such as you are), it is painful to see someone make OBVIOUS stupid decisions.... but - also as a friend - it is OK for YOU to step back from the situation, continue to live YOUR life (as you know you should).... but then, be prepared to be there for this friend once/when her roof caves in.... because you KNOW it will!!!
Then, be the best friend you can be.... DON'T coddle her (she won't need coddling!).... but be open and honest with her.... not judgemental.... and let her and you get back to the friendship you and she once had.... before she acted so darn stupid that you had to step away from her, for the while that you did....
Be patient.
Good luck....
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