A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts,It's really difficult to describe your feelings when they run deep, at least I really struggle with it. I honestly suck at expressing my deepest feelings in words and I am heartbroken to the core. So, I apologize in advance for my post being a bit of a miss because I suck at writing at the best of times, and because my feelings are out of whack now. What's going on is that I am heartbroken, depressed and overcome with guilt over the loss of my German Shepherd, Gretchen. I know in my heart that I loved her so much and always will, but I made some mistakes relating to her and it's torturing me.It's been two years, and not a night goes by that I don't cry myself to sleep over this. The only beings I love more than Gretchen are my best friend and possibly my mum and my brother, but Gretchen loved me more than any human being ever will and nothing fills that void. I've been heartbroken for the past two years. With the passing of time, I had little moments of happiness but something inevitably happens to make it start hurting again, and the sadness and emptiness has not gone away. She came into my life when I was 17, and I loved her instantly and loved her more every day and she was always there for me. Well, three years ago I left home and went to Mexico to teach (with a long backstory). I felt sad and guilty about leaving Gretchen, and I missed her a lot. Now I feel like a horrible person. I clarify that she was our entire family's dog (my mum and dad are divorced, and so Gretchen was in the care of my mum and brother). Right before Christmas, Gretchen fell ill, and her condition rapidly worsened, and on Christmas Eve, I got an email from mum saying, ''Gretchen's time to leave us came this morning.'' She was only 15! I was so devastated that I burst into tears in the internet cafe and forgot to pay them. I stayed drunk/wasted for two months straight. (no, I have NEVER driven under the influence! EVER!!) I nearly got sacked from my job as a TEFL teacher because of the big downward spiral of depression and alcohol abuse. I feel overcome with guilt because I wasn't home when all this happened. I got involved with this guy I met there and I THOUGHT I really loved him. Now, I realize I don't. But, I THOUGHT I was falling in love with him and he told me he loved me and I was stupid enough to believe all this lies. I stayed in Mexico with him because I knew that, ''If I were to return to USA, I might not get back to Mexico and he might find another girl.'' I had all these fine ideas about a future with him. On Christmas Day, I caught him cheating on me with a slut, and then he deserted me the next day. I was faithful to him, and now I regret it so much. Dogs are ALWAYS loyal, and faithful. They're always there for you. And Gretchen never let me down, was always there for me, was a million times more loyal than any human... and she died a million miles away, probably wondering what she did wrong. I should have put her first but I chose to be with a pig who cheated on me. A dog SHOULD be a higher priority than a boyfriend. I don't have any feelings for the little pig, and now I realize I never did love him. I still feel anger about this, I wish he'd died instead of Gretchen but I have no desire ever to see him again. I feel so terrible about the choice I made. And I feel like all this grief, loneliness and guilt is my big comeuppance. A lot of you guys are probably going to think, ''You never really loved Gretchen or you would have returned to USA when she got sick...'' and I understand why you think that... but I KNOW in my heart that I felt real love for Gretchen and I'll always love her. I'm just a selfish idiot who made a stupid decision. Now the guilt is eating me alive.Anyway, since Gretchen left us, I have cried for her literally every day. Time has pushed the pain and grief into the periphery of my mind's eye, but sometimes I've felt and experienced things that make it feel fresh and make it hurt all over again.I just returned home to the United States two weeks ago. I wss really happy to see my mum and to see my cat again, but it was the first time I'd walked into the house since Gretchen left us, and it felt so empty and lonely without her. It made me cry. I haven't stopped being heartbroken ever since she left us, but I have been depressed and crying a lot since I returned home to the United States. Part of it is because I don't like living in America and I can't seem to readjust to the culture... I DO NOT hate Americans or want to be mean to them, but the culture just annoys me... but it's mostly because it's finally sinking in that Gretchen is gone. When I was abroad, nothing at home seemed 100% real. All the humans in my life, even the ones I truly love, who I know love me, have let me down. Gretchen NEVER did that. Gretchen never held a grudge. She never betrayed me (I never heard of a dog that did!). She never gave me the silent treatment. She couldn't talk but she was always there to listen and to say a million times more than words ever could. When I was sad and crying, I would look at that little face and forget why I was sad. She came into my life when I was being bullied by other kids and very lonely and she always understood me. Now she's gone and I realize that she was everything I was searching for. I can't stop torturing myself, wondering if she died in peace or if she died heartbroken and wondering why I had abandoned her. I'm a moron, and ***I*** know it but to Gretchen I was perfect. Well, this morning I went outside in the backyard and saw her grave for the first time. I've been crying floods of tears since. This was a few hours ago. The pain and guilt won't go away!My brother has been very patient and my mom tries to be understanding. My mom thinks part of the problem is that I never got married or had children, so the dog was everything to me. I'm 34 years old and I figure I'm never going to get married. I'm cool with it. A dog's love is unconditional and undying... if I'd gotten married, sooner or later that terrible day would come and I would have discovered he'd been having an affair or he would have deserted me. My mom says there's still hope and encourages me to find someone, soothing that maybe a husband would provide the love I've been looking for. I wanted to get married but now I'm almost over it. And only a dog's love is unconditional. She's saying this because I can expect a husband to live as long as me or longer, whilst dogs almost inevitably grow old and die while you're still young. But what I'm really looking for is someone who will be for real for me, and someone who will be true to me, and someone who will be there for me. Gretchen never made me cry until the end, when she left us. And she was actually deserving of my tears. I have a new (human) best friend and I have feelings for him, but he doesn't seem to want a relationship. I know I love him but I also cherish our friendship and don't want to ruin it. Anyway, he's not ready for anything beyond friendship and I haven't found anyone else who's good enough for me and I don't think I will, and I'm already 34 so I personally think it's good I have decided to NOT aspire for marriage. I missed my family and other pets a lot but I've felt especially lonely for Gretchen since I returned home and I think part of it is that I'm just lonely because I can't readjust to the US and feel very isolated. I long for my Mexican friends and I feel so lonesome for them, and I long for the freedom and independence I had overseas. For those of you who don't live here, in USA, everyone is heavily dependent on a car and everything is inaccessible without one. That's always upset me a lot. I have a license but NO car (it broke down while I was away and had to be junked) and I spend the day cooped up in the house. I can't go outside and I can't see anyone and I literally rot in the house all day, in the house where I played with Gretchen and in the house where Gretchen shared my life and then finally grew old and died and I sit there in the middle of all those memories! And I cry a lot! My brother and mom are gone all day and I'm cooped up in the house and it makes me miss Gretchen more than ever. Other stuff always makes it hurt all over again. My dad and my aunt come over to visit us every now and then, and they always have a go at me when they're here and they say things that make me cry. For example, my aunt said I was an inconsiderate slut and that I put on an act in order to try to control people. (I went to the beach with my mom becuase Mom thought it would help me grieve and my aunt found out and got mad at me.)Dad and I had a HUGE fight and he made me cry because he called me a baby and ''immature'' because I was sad about Gretchen.Whenever I was sad and crying, Gretchen would comfort me and I would forget my sadness. Now, I'm all alone and my heart is breaking. I'm a terrible person and I deserve to go through this, but nothing makes the pain go away! I know it's my fault Gretchen died. A lot of people think 15 is old, but I have seen lots of other larger dogs that lived longer. I keep beating myself up, thinking... ''If I hadn't given her so many treats, if I hadn't treated her to a hamburger or a McDonalds 4-piece nugget every time I took her to the park, If I'd done this, if I'd done that...'' All these ''Ifs'' and ''Should have dones.'' I used to dote on her... I took her to the park to play every Saturday and every Sundday. I brushed her and walked her practically every day. I used to sing to her and she would always sleep in my room upstairs. When she got too arthritic to climb the stairs I would sleep downstairs on the couch because I hated to leave her alone. But what I did to her was practically abuse, and I feel like a criminal. I want to just go down to the police station and turn myself in for animal abuse and just get the jail time I deserve for mistreating a loving pet like that. I feel like she died of a broken heart and I can't forgive myself.I don't know what's wrong with me that I make such stupid choices, am I crazy? I know I didn't deserve her but I love her with my whole heart and always will.Is it normal that I've been heartbroken and depressed for two years over my dog? I have been crying a lot throughout the day and I cry myself to sleep every night. I can't stop loving her and I can't bear that I will be lonely for her forever. Please don't tell me to get another dog because I KNOW I won't love another dog and I refuse to give ANY other dog a place in my heart. Furthermore, I don't like small breed dogs. I wouldn't harm them or be mean to them but small dogs REALLY annoy me, I only care for big dogs. I don't want another dog but I really love animals (with the exception of little yappy dogs, which annoy me) and long for a pet. I HATE the thought of another dog! Some other stupid dog won't be good enough, and I won't stop crying until I'm holding her in my arms again. Am I crazy, or is this normal? I am so lonely and miss her unconditional love so badly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2014): you probably don't need another answer, but i need to write. reading this makes me think of my cat jessie. she was exactly like your dog. when i cried she'd jump on to my lap and lick my hand. and i'm not even lying, when i hugged her she put both her front legs around my neck as if to give me a hug. when i used to sleep, i always used to leave a big space on the top part of the pillow 'cos i have a small head. she'd curl around my head and sleep there, or i think she was guarding me, 'cos when she heard a noise outside my door, or she heard thunder or the rain she'd suddenly get on her feet, and get all violent. she'd still be violent even long after the noise, so then i'd stroked her and she'd lie back down again. i remember this one time, i forgot to set my alarm for school, and she somehow knew the time, because she walked up and down me and then licked my face, and i woke up and checked the time and it was 6 AM on the dot. that's my time to wake up. i remember, when i got in to a strop with my mum, i'd run upstairs. and even though my mum would try to get the cat downstairs, she'd follow me, growling at my mx. she hated my mum when my mum was angry. but she really hated my brother 'cos she knew that he always made me cry. so me and you are on the same path. it's been two years and a half now, and i'm still not over her. i still try to leave as much space on the pillow possible in the hope that she'll come back to me. but she never does. i still put fresh flowers on her grave. sometimes i even fill her cat bowl with fish. but it just rots away. i love that cat. she was my whole life. and i know she loved me too. i've still got two of her children, but even they can't make up for jessie. she was sooooo beautiful. she was black almost all over, but she had white under her chin and she had white patches. her birthday was on the 6th of september. i still buy a cake and eat it. she's going to be 6 when her birthday comes again. got to buy 6 candles then. so the point is i doubt you'll get over your dog fully. i mean, you can try, but i doubt it.
A
female
reader, Anongrl  +, writes (18 August 2013):
First of all you are NOT crazy, you're just suffering very severe depression after a very painful and traumatic loss. You loved your dog more than anything in the world, don't question yourself on that and you gave her a wonderful life. Your choice was not stupid, we all have to do things in our lives in order to get our careers etc., even if it means leaving our beloved pets for some time and I'm sure you didn't expect her to die when you were gone.I don't honestly think your dog died of a broken heart, I'm sure she probably missed you for a while, very shortly, after you left but I'm sure your mum and brother took very good care of her when you were away and kept her happy, it's just so unfortuante that she had to die when you weren't there, perhaps you didn't really get your closure. However, being present for a beloved pets' death is very painful also, so either way it will always be painful. You need to try and focus more on all the attention and the fantastic care and life you gave her, you were AMAZING to her. Sleeping downstairs with her and everything. Never ever question how good you were to her. I think that just because you didn't get your closure, all these really intrusive, guilty thoughts are eating you up. I do think therapy is vital for you, therapy can be painful(I know that from experience) but you'll hopefully find ways of dealing with all these negative, guilty thoughts. You owe it to yourself to get some good help, you deserve it. You need to find a way, with therapy, to help put your demons to bed.As for your relationship, you had another painful experience when your relationship with that guy ended while you were still grieving for your dog. So you obviously have such a difficult time dealing with that because the experiences you had were so traumatic and painful and it seems to me that you didn't really have anyone with you at the time to turn to, to try and help you through your painful time. And also the lack of closure is just eating you up, so I do think it's time you allow yourself to heal and find the right therapy in order for your negative thoughts to be put at peace.Some people can be very nasty to people when they don't know how to handle them, what your dad and aunt said to you was horrible, and very hurtful and unnecessary. But you cannot take these people's opinions to heart especially who are not in your shoes, and don't know the intensity of the pain and grief your feeling. Eff them really. At least you know now who are the more positive people in your life and you should spend as much time as you can with the people who are more positive and helpful to you.I don't think that being in a relationship will just solve all you problems, so easily, I feel that you shouldn't have to have the pressure of having a relationship,at the moment, at this moment, you need to focus on yourself and getting your own personal happiness and peace back and after this, when you finally start feeling happy again, (you have to believe you will feel happy again, and allow it to happen) you can then start focusing on other people, making new friends and new relationships. But at the moment, you need to help ease this pain.Again you did NOT abuse her or cause her death, she lived a long and happy life and you were a major part of that. I suppose it isn't normal and yet, with the way depression is, I think it actually is normal behaviour for severe depression, but the real point of it is, it's not healthy for you and your life is being affected very badly by it, so that is what you need to start working on. Also you say you're very car dependant so I'd advise you to go out for walks and get fresh air and excercise when you can and have walks so you can clear your mind and get yourself out of the house more often. Being in the house day in day out will just drive you nuts.Please don't torture yourself about Grethchen, you were amazing to her, you sound like a really sweet, loving, caring person and she got the very best of you and your sweetness, so remember that, because she had a long life, most of which was spent with you and you gave her such a good life, she was spoiled and loved, and that's all that matters and that's what you need to remember.You seem like the kind of person who has a lot of love to give but you're just severely depressed at the moment and I think the best move for you now is to go to therapy, because you deserve to find peace and happiness again.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (17 August 2013):
 Hmm, I'll tell you what my thought is: I think a big part of the issue stems from your difficulties socializing and adapting to American culture.
The only friendship that you mentioned in your question was with your dog and the people you knew in Mexico. Other than that, the only other relationships that you mentioned were those with your family. Do you live with them, I'm guessing? Do you work or attend school?
I think that you are deeply depressed, but it's not just about the dog. From what I've read, there seems to be a strong feeling of isolation and perhaps alienation. Gretchen, like most dogs, was a loyal and loving companion to you amidst these feelings, and now that she's gone you're left alone again, enveloped in Depression with no distractions.
Please, please, please talk to a professional. Chronic depression isn't something that typically goes away on its own, and talking to a therapist will not only help you to combat those feelings but also to give you the skills you need to branch out socially. When you have more people in your life and more people to lean on, I think you'll find your overall satisfaction increase.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): You need to see a therapist. Mourning the loss of loved ones is normal. But it's not normal when the sadness is overwhelming and static for such a long time. Everyone grieves on their own time frame and taking many years to fully heal is normal. But you're showing zero signs of even starting to heal after 2 years and that's what's not normal. You may have a biological based depression, triggered by the combination of your dog's passing and the pain of your romantic relationship. If this is the case you really need professional help and medication. The good news is that biological based depression is very treatable and the majority of people see major improvement in their mood fairly quickly after beginning medical treatment. You may not need to be on medication forever, just for long enough to get you out of this mental hell you are in so you can better control your thoughts on your own or with therapy.Also try to get plenty of regular exercise, get plenty of natural sunlight and eat a healthful diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. Your mood can be altered positively to some extent chemically by these natural and healthy measures. Vitamin B also helps with depression. Stay away from sugary foods and other junk food. They can temporarily alter your brain chemistry too but are always followed by a crash that leaves you feeling even worse than before. Stay away from alcohol and other habit forming substances, you do not need any more problems.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 August 2013):
 I agree with the others - you are urgently in need of professional help, because this isn't actually about Gretchen, though you've chosen her as the focus for your clinical depression and other issues. So the real question is -
Do you want to be happy, or do you want to be miserable?
Sometimes, it really *is* that simple, because for 2 years, you've been feeding off of that depression and grief like a 3 year old drinks his first milkshake. It's not healthy, it's not rational, and it is not normal. You have to start talking to someone, because at this stage, you may have a chemical imbalance in the brain that is short-circuiting a natural need for mental and emotional equilibrium.
I love animals and have fond feelings and a pang of sadness when I think of them. Gretchen lived longer than most German Shepherds, and her long life is due to your love. Dogs don't think like people do. You can't transpose your own thought processes onto her because it's not the case. She didn't die all bewildered and wondering what went wrong.
She lived and died very happy and at peace. Your mom and sister were with her, she never went hungry or cold or homeless. She had love and affection. Animals are very much "in the now" type of creatures, especially dogs. Of course if you were to walk through the door, she would have been tickled pink to see you, but when you were gone, she wasn't huddled miserably in some corner, but showing love and companionship to your family, and the simple life made her happy. She lived a long good life and passed on having lived every day a happy and rich and full life.
No, it's you who is miserable, not your dog. You didn't abuse her. That's insane. Unless you beat your dog, she was loved by you. She felt none of the separation anxiety you did. I'm sure she missed you for about a month after you left, bur dogs are really resilient...you should take a lesson!
Get some help for your people issues, because you'll feel better and more in perspective when you do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): I feel your pain. I have an extreme love for animals. It goes very deep and I have lost pets too. They are like part of your family. I even love the little dogs too. All animals are precious. You can't replace an animal that you have had but you can love another pet. Maybe a different type of pet. My dog lived till he was 15. I made sure I kept a photo of him. It is good to have memories of them. When it is quiet i pull out my memorial book with all the photos and just look at all my pets that I loved throughout the years. We all make mistakes and whatever guilt you feel is okay because you did love her. Don't punish yourself for it. I agree that you should seek therapy because it can help you sort all of this out. You are not alone in feeling the way you do because a lot of people have lost pets. Also if you are feeling alone there are hotlines you can call just to vent and share your grief. They will listen without judging you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2013):
 I have had pets all my life and definitely mourned EVERY one of them when they died - from goldfish to dog. I have felt a bit of guilt for losing them to whatever ended their lives - whether is was old age - one was a bunny who lived for 17 years (my mom rescued him when I was 5, and he liked no one but me).
They all in turn (yep, even my goldfish) gave me strength and "love", and of course companionship.
15 is a LONG life for a GS and you should be happy that she was ABLE to share as much of her life with you as she did.
You are trying to use your loss as a way of walling yourself in from other people. And I don't blame you, but in the long run it's not healthy at all. YOU (like the other aunties said) need help.
Just like when you lose a human loved one, mourning is healthy but it's NOT healthy when you CHOOSE to focus on the loss, instead of YOUR own life and YOUR future. You dog didn't die from a broken heart. She had people around her who cared.
You dad was harsh, but he is right. YOU need to let the dog rest in peace - find your own peace and BE a grown up.
Find a counselor either through a church or other organization (if you can afford one) and DEAL with the grief and start to DEAL with life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): As a fellow dog lover I know how much it hurts to lose your sweet dog and I'd like to send my condolences to you. I think also that you may be projecting a lot of the hurt you feel from your relationships with your family and ex-bf, onto the loss of your dog and thereby it is all combined into one big pain?I see there are some recurring themes of abandonment. You were abandoned by your boyfriend because he cheated on you. You feel abandoned by some of your family members (your dad and aunt) because they're always saying mean things. You don't like american culture (and culture = people) so you feel like a fish out of water, again you don't feel at home or comfortable and it's because of people around you. then you remember how your dog was always loyal, always loving. And against the backdrop of the pain you feel caused by other people, your dog is even more precious so when she died it represented the total loss of the one thing in your life that kept you going. In other words you feel abandoned by the one good relationship in your life. no wonder you're so paralyzed in grief now. And, because abandonment is always at the forefront of your mind, you project that onto your dog. You believe that you abandoned her. But you didn't, because your family was taking good care of her when you were away. to be honest, I think your dog got over your absence after the first few months that you were gone. "My mom thinks part of the problem is that I never got married or had children, so the dog was everything to me.... if I'd gotten married, sooner or later that terrible day would come and I would have discovered he'd been having an affair or he would have deserted me. "It's understandable that you're jaded and cynical because of the horrible experience you had where your ex cheated on you. But not every man will cheat on you or desert you."My mom says there's still hope and encourages me to find someone, soothing that maybe a husband would provide the love I've been looking for. I wanted to get married but now I'm almost over it. And only a dog's love is unconditional. She's saying this because I can expect a husband to live as long as me or longer, whilst dogs almost inevitably grow old and die while you're still young."A husband can die unexpectedly too. He can get killed in a car accident. Terminal illnesses do strike people of all ages not just the elderly. A friend of mine lost her husband to a rare illness a few years ago, they were both in their early 30s when this happened. My uncle died when he was in his 40s, also of a terminal illness. Another friend of mine, also in his 30s, got diagnosed with cancer last year (but so far he has survived and it's in remission, thank goodness). I see the recurring theme of fear of abandonment and trying to avoid the potential for future abandonment by staying closed off and not getting close to anyone whether it is another person or another dog. But by trying to avoid future abandonment, you are preventing yourself from moving on and having positive experiences which would build up your life and lift your depression. without risk there can be no happiness. I think maybe a healthier way to deal with this issue is to accept that there's always the possibility you will get abandoned again in the future if you get close to someone, BUT if it should happen you will be able to dust yourself off and heal from the pain. You can minimize the potential of getting abandoned by picking healthy relationships to invest yourself in, and by having lots of relationships like having a lot of friends, and not putting all your eggs into one basket (because if that basket goes, as it might because life is unpredictable, then so does your whole world). We all need social contact and support, and yes we will get betrayed by people some times. We need to feel the pain and acknowledge it and then move forward and make ourselves vulnerable again so that we can develop and build new relationships that will lift us up. Don't let your fear of being deserted again keep you from ever getting close to another person or another dog. Yes when you make yourself vulnerable to build a new relationship and start to emotionally get invested in someone else it does risk getting hurt again. In fact if you love another dog again you are 100% guaranteed they will die before you and desert you (unless by some tragedy you die first), and I know you know this. But life is always full of risk of pain, to avoid all risk means to close yourself off from anything. The vast majority of dog lovers will have more than one dog in their lifetimes, which means taking on a new dog to love even knowing full well that in a few years they will experience all over again the traumatic grief of losing their beloved friend whose life is so short. I've done it, and I will do it again. The important thing is to realize that you can and you will survive the hurt if you do lose someone again, so the fear of abandonment doesn't have to cripple you and hold you back from living. If you feel unable to cope with abandonment or the fear of it, then you should talk to a therapist, it will really help and it will be an investment in yourself and your future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): I'm an animal lover and I've owned dogs all my life. Comparing animal-love to human-love isn't logical, nor healthy thinking.
It's nice to have a strong feeling for animals, but their love is unconditional; because they don't think or communicate to humans with speech. They don't interact in the same way.
They look at you adoringly; because they depend on you for their sustenance and survival. You show them affection and you care for them. They appreciate and respond to that.
It is almost a sickness to place love for humanity beneath a creature who doesn't understand the concept in human terms.
Animals interact with people; because we are all animals and capable of exchanging affection. They don't feel love in the complex and multifaceted terms as humans do; because they are of a lower species.
They live on instinct and don't realize logic; or process everything around them. Their main focus is on their survival and reproduction.
Dogs and cats interact with humans well;because of thousands of years of interaction with us since primitive times. They are the most domesticated of animals. So they d assimilate our attributes.
Animal-lovers assign human-attributes to cats and dogs only their owners can see. What we call human-like behavior, is really animal behavior in humans.
You really need a psychological evaluation and therapy. You are not a healthy person. You don't seem to realize Gretchen was an animal, and loved you in the terms that only a dog could love you.
They don't have a human mind; they walk on four legs, and cannot assimilate into the human race. They can only mimic human behavior. They don't analyze or process information like we do. So they don't translate human behavior beyond the care and treatment they receive from us. They don't translate among any other species, other than their own kind. They were invited into our world.
They only understand rudimentary levels of our behavior.
Though they are intelligent.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your reaction to the loss of your animal is questionable for a psychologically healthy individual. You have been through a lot.
Your suffering is ongoing for two years, and yet you seem despondent. For some reason you've never been treated for mental disorder. Even a layman can see you suffer from depression; and there may be more clinical issues yet to be determined by a mental-health professional.
I don't think you will be able to carry on a good relationship human or animal, until you seek treatment.
I couldn't ignore a person's plea for help. I can only suggest that you get professional help, as will anyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): Sweetie, I too am a dog lover, and I have German Shepherds, they are the most loyal dogs! I seem to recall seeing you post about this issue before, as your story sounds familiar to me, I don't remember if it was a long time ago when you last wrote but I think I remember you. (unless it was someone else who also posted a similar story, so if you've never written here before then I apologize for getting mixed up)There's so many issues interwoven in your post, I don't know where to begin.First let me say that it is totally normal to be filled with grief and mourning when a beloved dog dies. your dog was your family and your best friend, of course you will mourn when she dies. And of course you will be filled with grief if you believe that you "wronged" her (more of that later.) However, after 2 years if your pain is still not getting better not even a little, then something is wrong. This goes for whether it was a human family member who died or your dog. after 2 years of grief, without any sign of the grief lessening at all not even a bit, something is wrong and you should talk to someone in person like a counselor.Let me just state somethings which I hope will make you feel better: You did not "wrong" her in any way. You did not abandon her at all. Abandoning means that you leave the dog such that they no longer have anyone to care for them and look after them and love them. You didn't do that! You left her in the care of your mom and brother. She was well loved and well taken care of, her needs were met, therefore, she was NOT abandoned.Look, Gretchen was 15, this is very old for a german shepherd. She didn't die because of anything you did, it was simply her time. Most large breeds like German Shepherds can't live past 12 years. 13 years is pushing it. She lived to be 15!! That's a miracle!! that means you were doing something RIGHT!! I have 2 german shepherds now, I would so happy if they could live to be 15. Again, Gretchen died because 15 years old is really really very old for a german shepherd, and not because of anything you did or didn't do. In fact, the fact that she lived so long speaks volumes to how well she was cared for when you were there as well as when you were in mexico.She also did not die of a broken heart. She died of old age. Dogs are far more emotionally adaptable than humans. As long as they are well cared for and are having all their needs met, they don't cling to the past like we humans do and torment themselves. She wasn't all alone, she wasn't abandoned or neglected or abused in your absence (unless you're saying that your mom and brother neglected her?? I don't think that's what you're saying.). She was well taken care of by your mom and brother so it is highly unlikely that she was sad at all. Dogs don't have the cognitive function to wonder what someone far away is doing. They just don't think that way. They live in the present. Her present, up til the day she died, was filled with care and love from your other family members so she was happy.Reading your post, I see a lot of other issues that are getting you down other in addition to Gretchen's passing. I suspect that you're feeling down because of a lot of human-relationship problems in your life. Gretchen to you represented the ONE relationship that was reliable and 'safe' so you cling to that and feel that now she's gone, that all hope for love is lost. Dogs don't judge, they aren't mean, they don't have bad intentions unlike people. I think you need to experience more positive human relationships to overcome the overall feeling of depression and malaise with life that you have right now.Unconditional love is something that only animals can give us because all humans are flawed and are not capable of unconditional love. I think it's helpful to accept that you can never get unconditional love from another human so you shouldn't even hope for it, it doesn't exist, no one truly has it (even if they think they do). The closest humans come to giving unconditional love is from a parent to an infant. Because babies, like animals, are innocent and pure hearted. But once the baby grows up and becomes a autonomous thinking adult with their own personality and their own capacity for "bad-ness", even parents can't always give unconditional love anymore. I'm just saying all this because it seems that a lot of your emotional pain comes from having been hurt, betrayed and let down by the people in your life, and you contrast these flawed relationships with the perfect unconditional love that Gretchen gave you and that makes you mourn her even more. I'm just saying that a widening in perspective might help you to overcome some of your pain. I know you don't want to get another dog, and you don't have to. However, let me gently suggest that for many people, loving another dog can be very healing. It does NOT mean you 'forget' your beloved dog who has passed on. We never forget them. Never. Each one holds a special place in our hearts forever. And when we eventually die too, we will meet them ALL again at the rainbow bridge. It is healthy to be able to love again, because you have enough love for more than one. I have had dogs in the past, they inevitably died. I now have 2 dogs, both german shepherds, one of them is 9 years old and showing signs of age and I get terrified and filled with dread at the day he too will leave me because I know it's coming and I can't stop the clock no matter how much care I give him. But that's part of life, death is part of life, and for those of us left behind we must carry on. Part of carrying on is to learn to love again, I'm sure your beloved Gretchen will look down from the rainbow bridge and be happy if you can give a new dog a loving home as you gave her. But again this has to happen on your own time, no one can push you to do anything you're not ready for. I'm just saying, don't be so sure that you will never be able to love another dog again, it can help heal you if you can open your heart to another dog. if the thought of adopting is too overwhelming, perhaps you can volunteer at an animal shelter or for a local dog rescue group. perhaps you can foster a dog temporarily while they await a new home. the reason I suggest volunteering and fostering is because it also sounds like you're "rotting away at home" as you say, from lack of purpose and direction. If you can put your energy into taking care of other animals, even if you do not want to form a deep attachment to them, I think it will help you to feel better. in short, I think it is totally normal to be filled with grief when a beloved dog passes on. But after 2 years if there's no sign of your pain lessening at all, then something isn't right, and you definitely need to seek counseling or other ways to try to actively try to heal. You might need to be prescribed anti-depressants if you have brain chemicals that are out of balance, as that can cause unrelenting depression. Those can really help, it can be the difference between night and day, so please if it's been 2 years and you're still in as much pain as you were years ago, it's time to do something different and proactive by seeing a counselor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): I think you need to seek therapy. What you are experiencing is prolonged and not normal. Time to mature, as your dad said- figure out your career, go to work, be productive and grown-up about your life. Get a car, make friends. No potential date wants someone who lives at home and is so miserable. This truly is not normal. You are sabotaging your life in the most irrational way.
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