A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Been in a relationship for 8 years have a 10 year old step son who's dad was never really in the picture and we have a 3 year old boy together. When my youngest was born 3 years ago that's when everything changed. She said that I started to not care about her feelings or helped work on things in the relationship. I have tried but I have no idea what to do with all these problems she has. She always tells me that I have to prove to her that I want this relationship and help her not feel so alone. Now I'm not a very emotional person so any help would be greatly appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (24 March 2018):
 I am a firm believer that people (men usually more so) need to know EXACTLY what is needed. A vague "prove to me you care" tells you NOTHING of what she needs.
When the kids are in bed, sit her down (or better still, get a child minder and take her out for a meal) and say something to her along the lines of: "I do love you and I do care for you, but you obviously feel there are problems. I am not a mind reader. I do my best but YOU need to tell me what YOU need for this relationship to work." And then LISTEN. Don't argue. Don't interrupt. Just LISTEN. When you are done listening, agree a way forward - for the sake of your relationship and for the sake of your two children.
Is it at all possible she is suffering from post natal depression? If so, she needs to see her doctor for help.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (24 March 2018):
 Well it sounds to me as though your partner is communicating clearly to you want it is that she wants/needs from you. You talk about all these problems that she has; have you considered that possibly you have contributed to the changes in your relationship. What do you really want? You've said you're not an emotional person, but not showing emotion doesn't mean that you don't have feelings. If you want help with your relationship, you will need to open up. Even if it's here that you start to get help finding your voice.
Take care xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2018): When you say you're not a very emotional person, explain what that means. That you are shutdown due to some past issues, that you are unable to express affection, or maybe you have a condition like Asperger's Syndrome? A disorder that limits your ability to express feelings or show appropriate emotional-responses?
If she feels alone, it's got to be pretty serious! You've been together for 8 years. Did you suddenly get bored with the relationship? Tired of the same old sex-partner? Do you just sit around closed-off to your wife? Who apparently can't figure-out, why?
It was suggested that you should ask her what it is she wants. I have a feeling she has already told you time and time again.
I will venture to speculate that you just aren't receptive or emotionally available; because it requires you to express emotions you don't want to offer her; because you can't. Are you still physically-attracted to your wife?
I always take note of the age-group indicated above a post. I do the math; because it gives me insight as to the maturity-level of the OP. If you are between 26-29, and she has a 10 year-old, you met her when you were between 16-19. She is likely older than you. You started a family pretty young and took on the responsibility of a ready-made family. That's tough for even a man in his late 30's to 40's.
I'm going to take an even farther stretch and guess marriage is more than you bargained for. You're feeling a little trapped and you missed-out on your early 20's; because you were quickly committed into this relationship. Now you're feeling crowded and smothered. She's feeling the distance and sensing your restlessness.
Not very emotional, huh? Try feeling you got married too soon in your life; and you are fighting the urge to cut-loose. Doesn't mean you're irresponsible or unloving; I think you took on too much too soon in your life. You're emotionally-unavailable; because the love you may have had is now waning or has gone altogether.
How can you be a husband and a father, and not be emotional? Your family have to sense and feel your love. They need affection and coddling.
Women are naturally intuitive, and they can tell when you're no longer attracted to them; or if you don't love them anymore. No matter how much you pretend. Your post implies she's misunderstanding you, and you don't know what to do.
I beg to differ. You know exactly what she wants and what the problem is. Two kids...that means she picked up some extra pounds after the second-child. You're working your tail off to support four people, and all those pretty young things out there in the single-world are so tempting. I'm probably missing the mark, but not by much.
Be totally honest. We won't judge you badly. You want honest answers; then you've got to be open. We can't see you or hurt you. Gimme more details, I want to help you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 March 2018):
 Ask her to be specific about what she wants, tell her you want to be the best partner you cab be but that you don't know how, she needs to tell you and/or teach you.
If the problems seem to be insurmountable or if your partner struggles to communicate what it is she needs I suggest some professional counselling.
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (23 March 2018):
 Your partner seems very insecure. Perhaps she feels that your attention has turned to your 3yr old (not surprisingly) and maybe she's feeling a bit 'left out in the cold' ? I think you may have to make an effort to make a bit of time for each other which i know is very hard when there are young children around. Perhaps you could get baby sitters in while you go out for a meal together, to see a film, to see friends or just to go out to some nice place on your own without the distraction of children. It's possible that your partner is also hinting about maybe getting married because now you have two children I'm sure she is looking for more security. The fact that she's in an all male household can also make her feel a little bit excluded even though your boys are only young. Boys tend to look up to their father and want to do boys activities which can make a mother feel a bit left out. So yes definitely make some time for her without your children.
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