A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a really bad place after a breakup and I need some help. What started off as friends with benefits close to 3 years ago eventually turned into a relationship about 9 months ago. It has been plagued with some issues here and there that have really thrown me for some loops that I never understood. I'm hoping someone can maybe help me as I have no idea what to think. She came out of a very bad 7 year relationship with a heroin addict who cheated and stole from her repeatedly years ago. She was terribly neglected and it was an awfully abusive relationship. When she finally got away from that relationship, she began a different one that she stayed in for a little over a year. This one ended in significant heartbreak for her, too. When we started our fwb relationship years ago, she was definitely not over her ex. She swore she never wanted another relationship again because she couldn't handle more heartbreak. Fast forward to us, and any time we would start to get close, she would shove me away so hard, I'd be left so confused. It would always come when I least expected it and I never understood what was going on. One time in particular, we had come back from a trip to see a concert out of town together and we had gotten really close. It seemed very relationships-like. When I dropped her off at home, she literally disappeared for over a week. Didn't return my texts or calls and left me so confused. When I finally did get her on the phone to ask what the hell happened and what was up, she just laid into me about how she had no feelings for me and didn't see me like that and wanted to make sure I knew she didn't feel anything towards me in a romantic way at all. I felt a little crazy because it made me think I was incapable of reading people's intentions. I was certain she was getting close to me but there she was, telling me it was all in my head. I was hurt and more than a little confused but I was like okay.. we will just go back to how we were before. Then she would come back around and be normal with me again for a while. Until we got too close again. This has happened more than a few times. Every time it has left me dumbfounded and confused. I just thought maybe she was really guarded and that if I stuck around, she would eventually put her walls down. Well, we got into a relationship about 9 months ago. She finally put her guard down enough to agree to the relationship. She was telling me how happy she was with me and how she was falling so hard for me. That I was unlike anyone she's ever been with and made her feel so loved and special. Then a few weeks later she dumped me saying she didn't want a relationship and was not into me like I was into her. I was heartbroken and so confused yet again. I was certain she was into me because just a couple weeks ago she was all about me. Like usual, she eventually came back around and I stupidly accepted her back because I was just glad to have her back. She went back to telling me how much she cared about me and how happy she was with me etc. This lasted for months until last week, she up and tells me again she wanted out of the relationship and she insists she never loved me and never felt anything significant for me. I was devastated. Since then, she's been acting like everything she ever said and everything we ever were was nothing to her at all. It's the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done and is the hardest thing for me to wrap my head around. I can't make sense of how cold and heartless she is seeming when I swore we were happy. It's one thing to break up with someone when it's not working out. It's another to insist everything she said was all nonsense and she never meant any of it. That she just doesn't have any feelings for me at all. What the hell would cause this kind of behavior? Why would someone be like this and how does someone change their mind like this? I can't make sense of her behavior and it's killing me. It makes me feel crazy. Like I couldn't tell the entire time that she never loved me or cared for me like that. It makes me question my own perception of reality. And it feels absolutely HORRIBLE. All of my friends and coworkers are like there's no way she didn't love you or feel that way about you at all. And yet when I got her on the phone, she keep repeating she was sorry, but she just never loved me or felt any way towards me at all. I'm so gutted and baffled. Any words of advice or opinions?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2018): Hello there!
Looks like you'll need to get your head to accept her as just another friend and not let her pull you down with those unpredictable emotions. You'll have to let go an move on, also make sure she doesn't barge into your life when you start settling into your new life! I have friends like that who need my support when they're frustrated and they're fine by themselves at other times. took a while to get that into my thick head, but its been a smooth ride once i got over it!
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 March 2018):
 Look, it's obvious that this girl has LOTS of issues. To be quite frank it sounds like she's had a shitty life full of abuse and disappointment so it is not surprising at all that she finds it hard to let people in and decide who is trustworthy and who isn't.
It's not your job to 'fix' her and the longer that you try to so so the more you're going to get hurt yourself. She is unpredictable, I bet most of the time she doesnt know whether she's coming or going herself so I'm pretty sure she doesn't know how to look after another person in a romantic and loving way.
She needs help, that's easy to see. But I'm almost certain she won't seek it. She's gotten to this point without it so why would she start now? She might even feel like she doesn't have any underlying issues that need to be ironed out. So if she doesnt want to help herself then what chances do you have of helping her?
It's nice that you feel about her and want to get her on the straight and narrow but the simple fact is you CANNOT do it. The longer you stick around, the more of YOUR life you are wasting that could be spent with someone else in a happy, committed relationship.
It's very simple for an outsider like me to see that you are NOT meant for each other. If you were, then there would be no difficulty, you would be together naturally with ease. Not together then a week later she decides she's never liked you. That's not how relationships work and I'm sure you know this, so tell us why you're sticking around for it?
You need to leave this woman alone, you are not going to live happily ever after and that's the sad truth of the situation. She has many things to work on that you need to leave her to do on her own. It is on HER to work through it, you're not her councillor so don't try and act as such. You need to move forwards onto more positive things rather than running round in the same circles forever with someone that isn't right for you. The sooner that YOU realise this for yourself then the sooner you can start moving on from the pain.
What I would advise is blocking her communications on all fronts, cutting her from your life and move forwards. It's not what you want to hear but it's what you need to do. Some people just aren't meant for us no matter how much it seems they are, it's sad but it's true.
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