A
male
age
41-50,
*ric1982
writes:Hi need advice on the technicality of my situation.She is 35 and I am 28. We were former FWBs (friends with benefits). But we have not met for 5 years. Recently she was in town and asked if she could stay overnight.We did a lot of catching up that night... She is extremely successful now, being the HR assistant director of her company, in good health, and well traveled. She was still single though, but happy being alone. She had a nasty divorce at 25.The next morning before I left for work she dropped the bombshell: She is desperate for her own child. She initially considered a sperm donor but now insists on the father being someone she knows. She said her other FWBs have turned her down, now she wants me to be the father of her child. I am flattered of course, but this is TOO STRANGE for me.She gave me the weekend to think it over. She says I don't have to worry about bringing the child up, etc etc. Well I trust her, she's not going to betray me in the future and I am sure I do not want any children at all. But I am sure there is going to be many problems.She says she knows I will not let her down. She is a very good friend of mine, I would do anything for her. But I have been stoned the whole weekend thinking of this bizarre proposal.Can someone please advise me. About the legal issues, general issues and whatever! Thanks alot
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Do you really want your child to be born into a one-parent family or would YOU want your children to be raised by YOU? Children aren't called bastards out-of-wedlock anymore - but that doesn't mean that they don't realize that they are missing one whole parent, even in this day and age. The only thing that children want is to be the same as everyone else. Not having a Dad will make your child different from most of his peers.
You may think of this as just a sperm donation that is helping out a desperate friend, but it's not going to feel like that when your son or daughter is calling someone else 'Daddy'. What about the fact that if your child is going to be raised without a Daddy? They will always be wondering about you and missing not having a father - and more than likely, they probably will resent you for not being there. Not exactly what you would want for your child or what you have ever pictured for yourself when becoming a father!
You should always consider the child first, in any case. And yes, if DNA is present, you have obligations unless you have legal papers drawn up - but the moral and ethical questions are the things that are more indelible than the legal obligations; because they are going to define this child's life.
A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 I agree with CaringGuy, especially about this child wanting to find/meet you one day. But, you know, I've heard cases where before a child a conceived, contracts are drawn. So if you're to be an egg or sperm "donor," an attorney can draw up papers which basically agree that you are ONLY a donor and are not responsible for the child. You lose your paternal rights so the child can be adopted by another man and you have no say in its upbringing and the mother's decisions regarding the child. Sometimes, there's a confidentiality clause too, so neither of you can blab about the action, however that's usually for people with high social profiles. However, if you feel wrong about this, don't go through with it. If you stay friends with her, you will see this child-your child and I believe that can get to you, haunt you. You need more than a weekend to think about this. Whatever you decide, best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): get it written up as far as the parameters that will exist. The fact that she absolves you from responsibility. If the documented paperwork is in order and she is not going to ask more of you in the future then i see no problems. It has worked for many others. You liked her a lot once. She has great trust in you. I think its a major compliment from her about you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (14 November 2010):
This is quite a sad situation in many ways for this woman because she so desperately wants a baby, but hasn't found the right guy. All I can do is put this into perspective for you, and not her.
First of all, the law around the world is pretty much universal when it comes to children - if you are the father, you are responsible for that child. Sure, she says now that she doesn't want the father around. But what if she suddenly needs money? What if the child is ill and needs medical help? She will come to you, and there is nothing you can do about it.
Secondly, whilst she may not tell her child about you, your child may still find out. And then you will have another problem on your hands. What if the child comes to find you? You'll be the person who makes or breaks it's heart.
If you don't want to have your own kids, this probably is not the best thing for you. The child will be out there, and it can claim money from you, it can come to find you. That may not be something you want.
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