A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know what to do here. I've been with my girlfriend for one year. It's been going great and she's perfect, or so I thought. We met at work. I'd always had an attraction to her and I was overjoyed when I found out that she liked me as well. We dated for about two months before we slept together. She knew exactly what to do in bed, it was mind-blowing. About two weeks ago, we were talking about moving in together. It seemed like a good idea. One night, I was round at ther place when her Dad showed up. Her Father and she had a fall out a couple of years ago but I didn't know what it was over. They were talking when all of a sudden it erupted in to them arguing. On his way out, he turned to me and said, "I hope you haven't touched It, It's a man!" I thought it was just him being ridiculous but she started crying. A few minutes later she said that she might as well tell the truth. She WAS a man. She had the operation about two years ago. I couldn't believe it. It seemed impossible. She has all the curves, a waist, a ladies voice, everything! But it was true! I knew she had her breasts enhanced at some point but I never thought it was because she was a man before! She always seemed to be more than comfortable with anal sex but I thought it was just her preference and she told me that she was incapable of having kids but it was due to her tubes being blocked or something like that. What do I do now? I've thought about it and I did love her before all this. I don't know if I can go back to her after this. We've spoken on the phone and I've told her that I need time to think. What do I do? Can anyone help me clear my head?
View related questions:
anal sex, at work, breasts Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, masterpo  +, writes (13 July 2009):
if u really love her, just her a chance.im sure she was always a girl, just born in the wrong body.u loved her for such a long time, and ur ending it just because of the fact she used to be a man? im sure u loved her not because of her looks, but because of her personallity. i know u must feel like being with her is like being gay. if u really love her, u can just pretend she is a girl but she just cant have babies.i mean, just forget that she was a man. remember, shes a girl now and thats what really matters.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): Sort through your feelings. give her a chance if you can.You loved her before all this. And even though once she may have had "boy parts" in her mind I bet she was always a girl and finally decided to have the package match.Its her mind you love first and formost. right?Her personality? you said sex was good. Forget who she was and accept her for who she is now.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): You said you loved her before all this. Surely the important question is whether or not you still do? Once you figure that one out, everything else is just details.
...............................
A
female
reader, melon  +, writes (1 April 2009):
I don't know, I've never really been in your situation before, so I can't give a fully informed response. But if you love her, you love her, therefore surely it doesn't matter? I can see why she hasn't told you this before, your response is pretty much what she would have expected. The only way that I see it is that if you love her, you love her, this shouldn't stand in the way at all. Good luck xx
...............................
A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (31 March 2009):
 shes is a she !!! i no its hard for you t understand but like you said yourself you loved her before . . the only thing thats stopping you now is the fact that she use to have a penis . . . dont disown her like her father did !!! u love her for who she is thats all that matters isnu it
...............................
A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (31 March 2009):
 Hi there,I have not been in your position, but I believe I can help with some general relationship advice that may transcend the unique nature of your current situation. I am gay, but I know transsexual people and I may be able to offer some insights.First and foremost, I believe that wilful deception within a committed relationship is toxic to that relationship. When deceptions are made to create illusions for the purpose of attracting or keeping a mate, it is like building a house with a broken foundation. Sometimes those flaws can be later mended, but at other times it can cause the structure to fall down.The majority of transsexuals (people who identify as the opposite sex, usually from a very early age) would find it very unethical to enter into a long-term relationship with another person without disclosing their status. However, there is some within the community that feel that because they are full transitioned to their true gender, that they should strive to move forward with their life as that gender. Some of these individuals literally feel like their former life was someone else, a person dead and gone.I am not in any way laying groundwork for excusing withholding the truth from you. I am an advocate of full disclosure. When full disclosure is not made, situations such as yours ensue. It is inevitable.Before I go on, I want to take a moment to let you know something. You are not gay, you are heterosexual. If you’ve questioned your sexuality, or your manhood, or your ability to connect on an emotional and physical level with women, please don’t. In terms of dealing with transsexual people, you must understand that what they feel their true gender to be comes from within. It is not a sexual kink or fetish; it is literally their gender identity, just as sure as you know that you are a man. What I’m saying is, their mannerisms and how they represent themselves is not an “act.” What you see, all you see, really is them. So if you saw a woman, who acted like a woman, spoke like a woman, you were attracted to that woman.Although science and psychology are still many years from being able to understand the nature of transexuality, advances are being made. Biological indications exist that may provide a valuable glimpse at the inner workings of, not just transsexuals, but of gender identity in all people. One such study included post-mortem examinations of the brains of transsexual and non-trans people. It was noted that several of the glands associated with gender and sexuality appear to be the opposite-sex in the brains of transsexuals. On the psychological front, many trans people clearly identify as the opposite gender from early childhood. 20/20 did a fascinating report about transgender children. You can find clips of it on their site, and YouTube.There is also the metaphysical thought that gender, true gender, manifests itself as energy from within. If this is so, than perhaps it is not without merit to consider that a transsexual may send out ‘vibes’ of the opposite sex, which (in your case) a straight man may find himself drawn to. But it works in reverse, too! At a house party one of my friends introduced a gay buddy of mine to a girl who he found himself slightly attracted to. It freaked him out little, until she confided to him that she is a female-to-male transsexual.However, as interesting as some of this information is, it may do little to ease the pain you are in right now.While I hold a certain amount of sympathy for transsexual people who often face rejection by family and a life with fewer than usual prospects at finding true love, my sympathy grows thin when they (or anybody) resorts to deception to achieve what they wish for. Even if they convince themselves of the rightness or rationality of their actions, such as “I know I really am a woman, so if he falls in love with me, then there is no harm done.” I find this thought to be flawed because it does not take into consideration the rights and choice of the man involved; it makes assumptions as to what he would consider valid information, and how he would react to a full disclosure.In your situation you have the benefit of having known this person for a year. You’ve gotten to know her on a personal, emotional level. Because of that, you clearly care. If you didn’t, you would not be bothering to ask for advice on what to do.Nobody can tell you the “right” thing to do in this case. I wish I could, but only you know the full story, and more importantly, what is in your heart. Is it possible for you to accept her as the woman she is now, and work past the past year to form a new and stronger relationship based on openness? Is the fact that she hid her past from you for the past year too much for you to forgive? Are you unable to reconcile her transgender status with your ability to emotionally and physically connect with her again? Are you afraid that if you continue your relationship it will diminish your self-perception as a heterosexual man? Are you afraid of your friends and family finding out, and how they will react?There are many questions you must consider before you can make any decision.If you feel that, for whatever reason, continuing the relationship is something beyond your ability to do, than you must also know that it is okay. You have no reason to feel badly about admitting that fact to yourself. I’d hope that, if you ever cared for this person, you will give her the benefit of an honest explanation before going your separate way.However, if you feel that you are capable of moving forward with this relationship, than foremost fully disclose your feelings about this topic -- whatever they may be. Let that be the bedrock of a newer and stronger relationship.I sincerely wish you the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (31 March 2009):
 She is a victim to a society that does not allow for understanding of gender identity issues.
As a psychologist, I fully believe that she was always a she but just born with the wrong body.
But the biology remains that she was once a man.
We always get so hung up on labels. Who is gay, straight, bi, trans.... and if we try to compartmentalize and categorize and put everyone into tiny little boxes so rigidly defined, then we're going to have about 200 labels in the coming ten years.
You loved her before. There were things about her that excited you and interested you, and those things are still there. You have only ever known her as a woman, and though she should have told you the truth, imagine how scary it must be for her to open up to the one she loves about something to controversial. Her own father won't accept her any longer, so in her head the pattern of behavior is that she will not be accepted as her new self by people who know of her old self.
I think you two have a lot of talking to do, and you have a lot of listening to do. But to me, she is finally the woman that she was always supposed to be.
If it just gets to be too much for you, then let her down gently and explain to her that you aren't the person meant for her, that you just aren't ready to be a part of something so big. You two are part of a budding generation of couples learning to redefine what their relationship and sexual preference really are. You are still attracted to women, and she is a woman, there is nothing wrong with that.
And from now on with her, I would suggest you both try an "open door" policy where you hide nothing. she has already had to hide so much for fear of this exact response. Maybe you can be the one to show her that things can be good for her.
...............................
A
female
reader, SJ_ninety +, writes (31 March 2009):
 It's understandable that you feel weird about it, but you say you loved her before all of this. Honestly, you should not give up on her. You loved her since the beginning and that should not change even after hearing about something this big. If you truly loved her, you would take her for everything she is (and was).
...............................
|
