A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Well I just recently started dating this girl. We've hit it off ridiculously well and I really have never felt this before in any of my past relationships. This morning she has told me about her sexual history. I figured that she had had sex before (I have not because of choice) but I wasn't going to hold that against her. After discussing the situation further it turns out the last time she had sex was a couple weeks prior to dating me, while she was seeing a guy that she didn't even like. Her problem is that she feels no one will love her if she doesn't give them what they want. I personally think that I'm falling in love with her, but its more than because of what she looks like and definitely more than sexual interest. I can't get it out of my mind that she has had sex with other guys, only because she felt she had to in order to be loved.I suppose you can see where this poses problems for me. I don't know if she is the way around me because she thinks thats what I expect from her. She has told me that she does not and that when she is around me its completely different and it makes her want to be a better person. However, as a psychology major, I can't help but believe that some of the previous relationships are going to affect how she looks at me. All in all, I don't know what to do. I can't stop picturing that douche before me, who treated her like sh!t, having his way with her. Anyone have some advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2007): Dear Psychology Major,
I am one as well, but I think instead of focusing your question on this girl's sexual past, you need to focus on the feelings in you that it is bringing up and dealing with those and their root cause.
This is about your insecurity over sexual performance and worrying that you won't measure up or that you won't have anything to teach her that she hasn't learned from someone else, this makes you feel a little less interested in going down that path with her, and you are making it into a bigger issue than it needs to be because in reality when ever you are with a new lover, the sex is new, it has to be learned all over how to please your partner, as every person is different in subtle and not so subtle ways...it will still feel like the first time for her the first time you have sex.....and the fact that she has learned from her past mistakes and is doing things differently with you speaks well of her....alot of young people don't figure this out about themselves and continue on the same path..
So if you really think this girl loves you, you will know, and if you love her then you won't be holding her sexual history over her head unless it was really bad like she did the whole football team or had three different lovers in one night, or someting along those lines....she just made a common mistake and slept with guys to get their attentions and hoped for a relationship to grow out of it, it happens a lot with women, we think having sex with you is going to make you love us, because more often than not we have feelings for you if we are in bed with you and it is hard for us to comprehend that we are there emotionally alone, and a lot of men fake their feelings to get a woman into bed and guess what we are not mind readers and can be pretty devestated that we were played for a fool...so try to have some empathy here for her, and if she is a good girl, give her that chance...otherwise you may miss out on something that could be really good.
A
female
reader, Dojha  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 you may not be able to help the fact that you feel that she may be thinking you want sex from her but if you keep treating her like a real lady and you keep showing her sincere love, one day it will dawn on her and she will realise by herslef that you really want her for who she is and not just sex.
the only advice I can give you is to stop worrying, try to forget that history of hers and see her as the girl you are falling in love with. i hope that makes a huge difference!
tk cr
Dojha
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (28 June 2007):
 Hi,
Well for psychology major, you are over-looking one thing. Its the past.
Just because she has acted this way in the past does not mean that she looks at you in the same way. You could be the person that will turn her life around, but not if you dwell on what mistakes she made before you.
As her boyfriend, is it not you, who should show this girl what she is really worth.
You are analising everything to much. Your letter is confusing because you say you wont hold anything against her, and yet really! it does seem that you are.
Forget the past and enjoy the fact you found someone to love in the present. Its a special thing dont spoil it.
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