A
male
age
51-59,
*71
writes:Last year I was seeing a married woman who I very deeply fell in love with. At the time she was planning to leave her husband and had taken an apartment.We were deeply in love and all was going well and then I got her pregnant. Her husband was almost completely sterile and so could not have children and fearing his reaction, she blurted to him one evening that she was pregnant and that she had done an IVF using his only remaining embryo... effectively that the child was his.Needless to say, this absolutely destroyed our relationship and during the 9 months of the pregnancy we had very very little contact until the end of the 8th month when she started to call me regularly.(Please keep in mind that I am deeply in love this woman)The child was born in January and now, I'm not quite sure what to do.The husband is convinced it is his child. She and I have resumed our relationship and she still wants to leave him.The choices I have are:1. Leave her and the child and never see them again.2. Play along with her lies and hope that the truth never comes out.3. Contact the husband (either directly or indirectly) and let him know the truth.What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SusieQ1970 +, writes (1 March 2007):
Think long term, some day your child will have to know the truth. God forbid that anything dreadful should happen but what if they are involved in a medical emergency and need to know the medical background of their family? How long do you think you will be able to keep up the pretence? Is it really OK to lie to your child? Do you think your relationship can survive this?
A
female
reader, Angel-Face +, writes (1 March 2007):
 ok ths is hard lets see
you could tell her you want to see the child
but if you want to you gotta consider the husband
he doesnt no a thing i think you should tell the woman
to tell her husband her self or you willtell her its
not faire on you or the husband but expesally the child
he/she will grow up thinking the husband is the real father
and u wont get to see him/her agian becouse as soon as he/she is about 10 you will have no chance the child wont care so try your hardest ye
good luck
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A
female
reader, SusieQ1970 +, writes (1 March 2007):
I think patience is the key to this problem. Your child has a right to know and form a relationship with its biological father. I agree with the previous comment that you should let her know what your intentions are towards the child and then leave the explaining for her to do. Perhaps decide upon a timescale for yourself and if she does not take any action then you really must consider seeing a solicitor.
If you truly love this woman and can forgive her lies and deceit then again I would advise patience. You may find that taking a step back and simply enjoying your child together may bring you both closer together. Above all remember that being together because of your child is not the correct way of looking at your relationship, be together because you want to be.
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A
male
reader, R71 +, writes (1 March 2007):
R71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies.
To clarify a couple of points:
There is no question that the child is mine. It is as clear as day and that has never hidden the fact from me.
She did not want the child to be her husbands. She had to because she fell pregnant at a time when we weren't ready for it and, vehemently opposed to abortion, had to give a reason for being pregnant.
It was an impulsive move that she deeply regrets. Now that the lie is "set" she cannot see her way to undoing it without hurting a LOT of people (her family, her husband, her husbands family).
The way she sees it is that she and I will continue once the divorce is done, we will live together and I will play the role of the step-dad even though the child is biologically mine.
Finally, we have been "together" again since just before the birth. We are passionately in love ... I am just not entirely sure if I am doing the right thing.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (1 March 2007):
 It sounds like she so badly wanted the child to be her husband's because she wants to stay with him. It's your right to spend time with your child if you want to, although carefully consider whether you want to see the child or want to rekindle your relationship with this woman. I don't think it's your place to tell the husband what happened although if you want to see the child just tell the mother and make it her problem. You can take legal action to be allowed access to your child although be aware you'll also be liable for financial support then. As long as you don't have a criminal past for violence or crimes against children you will get some degree of access. It's for this woman and her husband to work things out then. I read a survery recently that said almost 5% of children are mistaken about the identity of their father. Your child has a right to know you but proceed carefully. You don't want to wreck their home life in the process.
CD
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2007): i personnaly will say that how could she not let her kid be with her Father!
And how could the dad no knowing he/she went for IVF coz he needs to sign the documents. is there something keeping her from not going to u or leaving her husband? Perhaps its something they always wanted.But the fact that u mentioned that she wants to leave him ill say give her time and she will do it on her own time Not too long Take it as if u were the Husband! how would u feel about this ?
ill say do a blood test and the Father if she tells him its aint his baby and he doesnt beleive it let him go aswell.
Besides she 'CANNOT' let the dad of her child not be part of his/her's life
The sooner u 2 get together and bond and share the special moments of ure childs life the better!
Hope all off the best for u . and please let us know what happend! :)
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