A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, when I told my girlfriend that I love her she replied, for the first time, that she does as well, although she doesn't know if it's really love. She justified this with saying that she discussed the matter with her mom and when her mother asked her whether she would be upset if I found somebody else other than her, she replied that no, she wouldn't as long as I was happy. She also told me that she wishes the best there is for me and she wouldn't mind if I broke up with her to be with someone better, again, as long as I was happier. The thing is, she has incredibly low self-esteem and believes that she requires too much from me while not giving me enough at the same time. She's incredibly busy right now due to her university work so it is kinda justified but it still gets her down and I cannot really do anything with that. If I do nothing, she will keep saying that she doesn't do enough and doesn't know how to improve herself. If I tell her what needs improving, she gets sad and says that she's a bad person and doesn't deserve me. I know the solution is to improve her self-esteem but nothing seems to work. I tried suggesting a therapy but she says that she doesn't need that. What should I do?
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male
reader, PJ Roy  +, writes (21 October 2017):
I'm with Honeypie on this one. 200%.
Going by what transpires through your post, it sounds to me like you're a placeholder boyfriend for her. She's letting you think she's got low self-esteem but has plans for doing better than 'you' when the time comes to have a 'serious' boyfriend.
I mean, she told you she "discussed the matter with her mom"???
That's like Jordin Sparks meeting Bon Jovi as coach on American Idol and going: "ooohhhhhh! My *mom* has told me a lot about you!!!"
Wouldn't you be like... "What the f*ck?!!!!..."
Try and see if it's not a matter of you're just 'adequate enough' for the role of boyfriend *for now*, since she's got more important things to focus on.
Allow me to be blunt: my guess is, unless you drastically reinvent yourself, at some point, she will dump you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2017): There are a lot of people out there with abandonment attachment disorders. They never feel sure of their relationships, or how their partners really feel about them. If they've suffered a series of losses, breakups, childhood divorces; and/or neglectful or detached-parents. Fathers who left the family, or mothers who show no affection. They see life from the perspective everyone they care for is only there temporarily, or doesn't feel as strongly as they do. They doubt you can love them, or that they are worthy of it.
I also agree that many people with insecurities try to "train" or "program" their newly-committed partners to cater to their needs and weaknesses; rather than personally control them, and keep proper management over them.
We all need to be emotionally-prepared "before" committing to people. Not expect people to kiss their asses and dance on eggshells! Adult-relationships require the continued and concerted-efforts of both parties involved. Both give and take! We all have insecurities; but we are not all ruled by them. Some are tougher to handle than others. Then what is maturity and intelligence all about? Coping and survival!
It's best not to be manipulated by high-maintenance insecure relationships. They will zap you of your strength, and dim the light in your soul. The purpose of those kind of relationships is to constantly work for their trust; which will always stay out of reach. They punish you for their pain. You are emotionally-enslaved to make them feel loved; because they can't love themselves. They never believe you.
It's best to let them seek professional therapy and counseling; because they are too emotionally-immature to maintain a full-blown adult-relationship.
They manipulate people into constantly reassuring them they will stick around, they truly care; and they are sympathetic to their long list of insecurities and lack of trust. It becomes burdensome and exhausting. The futility is quite frustrating.
My experience and wisdom has taught me not to deal with people who try to do that to me. Either you've got your act together; and you're ready to put as much into to as I am, or you can just be on your way. I don't want to nursemaid my lover's insecurities 24/7. Who's going to look after me when my strength gives-out? I'm not invincible, a man of steel, or perfect. Though I'm strong and supportive. Sometimes I need some too! Don't you?
I think what she is telling you is purely her defense-mechanism. Testing your sincerity, and forewarning you that she may fall short of your expectations. Give her benefit of the doubt. Pace your feelings only to give as much as reciprocated. Try not to get carried-away with romanticizing and emotionalizing about being in-love. It takes time and experience to take on these attributes; but here's some advice to prepare you.
Don't over-do it with constantly telling her you love her. Give it in reasonable supply. Just demonstrate your feelings through your actions. Reassure her you feel she is worthy and you would otherwise not waste your time. Be as spontaneously-affectionate as possible. She has already seen men fake their feelings, or they fade-away and change. Be consistent; and she will build her trust in you. Show patience and understanding. Ask her to let you be the judge whether you've made the right decision. All you want her to do is prove she cares; and will give you back the love you're willing and able to give.
If months go by, and it gets worse. You must come to the decision whether to continue trying. Never remain in a relationship where your partner doesn't reciprocate; but always has an excuse why not. Excuses are in a simple word, bullsh*t! You took the risk, and if it fails! Bail-out!
It's up to them to seek help; if they can't handle relationships like mature and rational adults. It's not up to you to try and fix her, change her, or cater to her insecurities.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 October 2017):
 I agree with honeypie's point of your gf repeatedly bringing up that she doesn't deserve to date you. Okay, so ask her why she is?
If she's not going to get therapy then you're going to have to deal with this for the duration of your relationship. Is it worth it? I'd have to say no personally, this must be super draining for you. You're giving her ways to improve and she's brushing them under the carpet and you're thinking something is going to magically change the situation.
She sounds like she's had multiple chances and you're still getting the same outcome. It's not going to get better until she seeks actual help, therefore I really think you're barking up the wrong tree with this one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 October 2017):
 Honestly?
It sounds a little to me like she is using her low self-esteem and insecurities to manipulate you. I know that sounds a little harsh but from reading your post that is what pops out of the page for me. She wants you to not question her, not ask for more than you get and to constantly enable her low self-esteem and self-pity.
She keeps saying that she isn't doing enough, but when YOU suggest things to change she gets "sad"... and plays the victim, which in turn, shuts you up.
She claims she doesn't need help - which is basically her saying you need to just accept the crumbs you get because she has NO INTENTIONS of changing.
If she TRULY feels she isn't good enough to date you, then WHY is she dating you? You see the dilemma? she also knows that you probably won't dump her because part of why you care is that you feel sorry for her and want to fix the world for her.
YOU have to decide if you get enough out of this relationship or if you want more/something else. I can't imagine how hard it must be having 3 in a relationship, you, her and her "issues".
Now being busy with university I think is a PERFECTLY fine excuse to not have much time for a BF/GF. It makes sense. Though, I have been there, done that and had time for a BF and a social life as well as getting good grades, attending classes and working. I do think my BF "suffered" from occasional neglect when my school load was huge. Considering how much EASIER it is today to make sure you STILL give a little time to your partner (such as 30 minutes of Facetime or Skype) when you can't meet up. Y'all have the tech tools for keeping in touch if you so wish.
If at the moment she has WAY too much school work on her plate, SHE has to decide if she HAS the time for a partner or not. That isn't just your choice, she has one too. If you both can find a middle ground when things get super busy to keep the relationship going smoothly, then it IS possible to do both.
Are you overall fulfilled in this relationship? Knowing that you CAN NOT change HER (at all) is this the girl for you? Long term?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 October 2017):
 I would suggest going for quality time together, rather than the quantity you are missing out on at the moment. Plan special things to do when your girlfriend has time to spend with you, then tell her how much you enjoyed whatever it was you did and how much you enjoyed being with her.
Also I think you need to remember that thinking abstractly about you finding someone else is completely different to it actually happening. I am sure she WOULD be upset, regardless of how detached she sounds when talking about an event which may never happen.
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