A
male
age
36-40,
*nikneJBP
writes:I know that God takes care of us, if we take care of ourselves. Somehow I've made dumb relationship decisions. I realize again and again that I'm a terrible judge of personality and that I end up with girls who are very controlling and jealous. I am one of the most trustworthy and loyal people I know... But my girlfriend makes me feel so trapped. We've been together a year and a half. It annoys me often when she calls me, because it is only 15 minutes since the last time we spoke. She gets crazy when I don't see her for 2 days. She goes crazy if I refuse to leave the phone on while I sleep. She goes crazy if I don't say goodnight when I'm hanging out with a friend. She goes crazy when I CONSIDER the idea of going on a 2 week road trip with an old friend. I'm a sucker for girls. I love to love. She's a wonderful girl, but even though we've talked about it countless times- she still chokes me to death with her conrolling nature. My mother warns me of it because she notices it. She's incredibly jelous at times. I CAN'T BREATH! I'm 23 and I thought I'd go on a road trip with an old friend and she freaked out. I probably wasn't gonna go anyway because I'd rather go with my closest friends than an old friend- but she flipped out and I broke up with her. but now we've kindof made our way back together in the past 2 days. I'm sick of feeling trapped, but at the same time we are very happy together and I tell her everything, and we have good sex, we make plans together, we laugh, dance, and get along. It's like we have a perfect relationship- but I feel the need to be free at the same time... I'd rather feel free than be in a perfect relationship with a controlling girlfriend. It's all very confusing...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Hello,
I agree with everyone. She won't change, and everyone needs trust in any relationship. You can't feel smothered its unhealthy. If she can't see what she's doing, and refuses to find out what's making her behave this insecure then its time to move on.
Good luck
;D
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 I agree totally with what Youwish said...
SHE WILL NOT CHANGE!!
If there is a feeling in your gut that you can change her... ignore it. Ask yourself if you can live with a girl as controlling as she is for the rest of your life. If you can't... get out now!
I've been in the same situation with a girl and over the 2 years I was with her she only got worse no matter what I tried. Eventually you'll just end up caving in to her every whim because you won't want do deal with the craziness you get from defying her. I lost my self-esteem, confidence and several close friends because of her.
I wish I'd listened to my mothers concerns about her... and I suspect that you should too. There are plenty of other girls out there who aren't jealous and controlling.
But that's just my 2 cents.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Tell her how you feel and be very blunt about it. Its a relationship NOT a prison. Set down some rules. You have nothing to lose here. Its reasonable to turn off a phone when you want to sleep. Its unreasonable of her to be calling you every 5 minutes to check on you, which is what shes doing. And why shouldnt you take a road trip? What does she think you will do?! Explain to her that you value honesty and loyalty and you find her distrust hugely insulting. And exhausting! Make it crystal clear that you can be trusted but if she cant appreciate that, then there is no relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Listen to me very carefully:
SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.
If you two get married/engaged/more committed, that controlling personality will only ramp up about 5 notches. You need to set the boundaries right now, or you'll lose your freedom and become extremely resentful. Imagine how trapped you'll feel after you marry, have a couple of kids, and she puts on the guilt trip and manipulation whenever you want to do something she doesn't approve of. That is no way to live!!!
Relationships are built on trust and freedom. It's not your fault she wrestles with insecure jealous needy emotional baggage, and you are the one who gives someone else permission to treat you like that. You don't have the perfect relationship. You're horny and like the access to sex. But think about how you'll feel 5 years down the line when she uses it as a weapon to get you to do what you want. These personality traits only get worse the more she lets down her hair with you.
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