A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I recently started dating a beautiful girl, a model/student. We've known each other for some time, and I was interested in her, but I knew she sometimes slept with men for money. In her business, she says it is somewhat more common than we might think.We recently started dating. I truly care about her. She stopped sleeping with men for money when we started dating, since that was the agreement. However, it sometimes crops up in my mind. She must have slept with about 30 men for money. Our sex life is good, but recently it has begun to bother me that she views sex as a transaction. And, also, that her body has been used so much.I've talked to her about it but she is very defensive and can't really "go there." I feel like I have to pur up and shut up. But I can't.It's hard also because I wonder when she talks to amle friend whether she slept with him.My questions:Would this be a red flag for you? Is this a reflection of her character?If I really wnat to stay with her, how can I make peace with it?Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): Thats not true at all, not all models prostitute themselves. Life is not easy for most people, but only few choose to prostitute themselves. 10 years ago i was young beatifull 17 years old,college student who had no money. My parents having 3 other children helped how they could, but it was not enough to keep me sustained. I studied full time, and worked every night waitressing and cleaning houses. I had a hard life, slept little and worked many hours. But I didn't choose to have sex for money or to be a stripper. I don't feel sorry for your girlfriend, it was her choice. Everyone have a choice, and she chosen prostitution. Your question even sounds funny: red flag? What do you think? I had 4 boyfriends in my life before I married my husband. She told you she had 30? Do you believe her? 30 in one month may be? Most women look at sex as the something very intimate and personal. It's an act of nurturing and ultimate closeness. You are sleeping with a woman who felt nothing most of the time, it was her job. Most prostitutes and strippers hate men, I know that for a fact, I knew so many of them, as I belong to certain ethnic community where stripping and doing other things was and still very popular for young and pretty girls. And all of them say how much they despise men. This attitude is not very easy to get rid of. I think these women are permanently damaged mentally.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): About her male friends: If she is still friendly with a guy, and they have a sexual history, then you have the right to know about it. She has the right to male friends. But a guy is not just a friend if his dick has been inside her. Its a matter of respect for you no matter what her feelings are about the guy today.She has the right to sexual secrets about her past. But only if they are staying in the past. Guys that she still talks to today are in her present.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (4 May 2013):
 Lol yea man im cringing here. Big red flag. Its one thing to have multiple partners n its another to have multiple partners who have paid u. She seems to have self esteem issues n thats pretty big bc it affects many things. If ur looking for a reltshp u will encounter a broken woman but if u just want sex then ahh just hv some fun.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): I understand how you feel. From articles that I have read about women who were prostitutes and later got into straight monogamous relationships their divorce rate is the lowest amongst hetrosexual couples and appear according to studies make the best moms and loving wives. But it appears the red flags go up because you feel her body is used. Can I ask you how many sexual partners you have had to now in your life? Who are you to be the critic? Do you see stretch marks all over her body? I believe she is a loving women but your approach to yours and her sexual satisfaction has to be altered. Take it from there, good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): Imagine if we were talking about a hot looking vehicle which had multiple owner drivers who thrashed the engine each time; would you buy that car or even want to sit in its seat?
Now you could be tempted to give it a test run, naturally you’re attracted to the outside… But you realise there’s a red flag; the condition of this motor needs an overhaul of max proportion for it to be permanently garaged at your address.
Personally I wouldn’t buy into it; but I’m sure there’ll be another buyer for it!?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (3 May 2013):
 Clearly this is a red flag -- more so for you. Being that you are very early in the relationship and you are starting to see and feel the realities of dating an ex-prostitute, I hope you go into this with your eyes wide open.
Personally, I think you need to figure out your motivations in this relationship. If you are strictly looking for fun and a sex partner and you don't mind her past, then by all means, enjoy.
However, reading in between the lines of your post, I suspect you are looking for a lot more. The fact that you are starting to have feelings for her and question her past indicates to me that you are thinking about this a lot more seriously.
1) You cannot change her past. Accept it -- she has a history and she did what she did to get by. Whether it was justifiable is doubtful, but it does show her past character in regards to sex. She may also still interact with people in her past too... so the people she could have had relations with may still be in her life in one form or another. Can you deal with that?
2) People do change as they age. Some gain wisdom and realize what they did was wrong. The question you need to ask yourself is if your woman will regard sex as something between two loving
adults (which I suspect is what you want) or is it something that she can use to get her way (or money). Only time will tell if she can be truly loving in a monogamous way or a ruse to get what she wants out of you.
3) I would urge you to move on, if every time you look at her and see an ex-prostitute. The first time she denies you sex you are going to wonder if she is seeing someone else or wonder if she'd say no to a John. Also, if you hold her past against her anytime you fight, you will destroy yourself and in the process her.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Yes, it's a huge red flag.Yes, it is a reflection of her character. Average, stable women do NOT have sex for money. Something in her life, upbringing, etc., pushed her in that direction and a women who would lower themselves to that level has some serious problems. Perhaps they have not surfaces yet because the relationship is still new. Just tread carefully.You may or may not be able to make peace with it. That comes within. What you can do is understand that there is a lot of baggage hiding within this women. At some level she wanted out of that life, and you, for whatever reason have walked into her life and helped make that happen.Men don't think about what or where a prostitute, or someone who gets into porn, comes from. These are damaged women. But everyone deserves to have a second chance to change things around and do better for themselves. Besides this poor choice in her life, she could very well be a lovely women who has a lot to offer. The only way to find out is to take it slow and see what blossoms. I would also suggest you insist on a full line of testing for STD's or viruses. Do not take her word for it. It's for your protection as well as hers. Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): I will say this first. If you can't be with her without judging her; then you're with the wrong person to begin with.
Your fascination with this woman is superficial. You're attracted to her beauty. You dismissed things about her past; because you wanted to be with her in the worst way. She's truly got it going on. Then reality sets in, and you think...this woman manipulates men for money! She sells her body like a commodity. She can't possibly feel anything for me after being with all those men and accepting their money.
Not her problem, that your own insecurity dude!
The reality is, she has made some bad choices. She has convinced herself that she can use her beauty as a shortcut to the things she wants; and she lost her self-respect in exchange for money. In turn, she has also lost your respect.
She used her womanhood as a tool to wealth and for survival.
Shame on her. She has now learned that her brain is an even greater tool and an asset. Therefore; she has become a student and a model.
She is a human-being who went off-track in her life at some point. She wants and deserves to be loved. You, like many other men in her life, exploit her for her beauty. Now you step back and you judge her harshly. The thing that gets me is, knowing all of this about her, you accepted her. Now you're looking down your nose at her. You're a hypocrite.
You don't know what dark secrets are buried deep inside that she hasn't revealed that made her chose prostitution. It's not an easy choice. Young women go out in search of a dream, and run into the worst influences and circumstances in the process. They use their survival skills as best they know. That doesn't really excuse bad choices; it's just understanding human nature. I have sinned, so I'll cast no stones upon this woman.
The red flag waves both ways. You were once her lover, now you're her judge. She offered you personal information that she could have hidden. In all honesty, she isn't the right woman for you. Why? Because you can't forgive her for her past. You are suspicious of her motives in being with you. You wonder if she is just using you like she used all those other men. Perhaps. Do you really have so much to offer?
This fairytale has now come to an end. You are disillusioned at the darker details of her past history. You have run your game; and you're looking for excuses to hop off the train. You feel she's a user, so her feelings are really of no consequence. We can't change the past; but we can plan and design our future. She'll get over your departure; she has obviously survived worse.
Did you lead her to believe you aren't like all the other men she has known? Did you ever tell her that you don't care about her past? Did you enjoy using her beautiful body for your own pleasure? Then don't elevate yourself so high above this person.
It's okay to move on and let her go. She knows what men want and how they also use women. She will survive. She may not be at the top of your list of candidates for a wife; but you better respect her as a woman and a person. You are no better than she is; if you purposely used her for her beauty and to satisfy your sexual urges.
There is a man out there waiting for her. Created for her. So move over and let him find her. You don't have what it takes to handle this situation. Don't feel bad about that. Feel bad about the hypocrisy.
We all make mistakes. She is obviously going to feel the consequences of her past decisions. The darker moments in her past will haunt her for the rest of her life.
Yes, she chose the wrong profession; if she wants respect from men. She compromised something very precious in her life. Her self-respect. However; she is stronger than you. She has forgiven herself, and gave herself a chance at love.
She allowed someone into her world and shared everything about her past; without lying to him or herself. She is rebuilding her life from the ashes.
She still uses her beauty, and she is still exploited and paid her for it. The difference being; her life is now legit. She isn't some pathetic whore selling herself on a street corner to support some addiction. Beaten by some misogynist pimp.
Whatever you do. Be a bigger man and let her down easy.
Keep all that crap you have in your head about her to yourself. You have no right to destroy her feelings; or to punish her for what she has done. Just let her know that you are not right for each other. You will be telling the truth.
Best of luck to you and for her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): "Would this be a red flag for you?"Yes. She wouldn't be professing to give up prostitution if she didn't think she could get more out of you than she can out of her A-list clients. "Is this a reflection of her character?"No, it's a reflection of her lack thereof."If I really [want] to stay with her, how can I make peace with it?"Accept the cold harsh reality that she considers sex as a commodity to be sold or bartered and so you must find an alternative method of mutually expressing intimacy upon which she has not previously placed a price tag, while understanding all along that she's a businesswoman who ultimately expects a payday for services rendered (i. e., half your assets). This situation sounds like this has all the potential to be a very ex$pen$ive mid-life crisis for you. She's not going to make the effort of telling you how attractive and handsome and virile and studly you still are even though you're pushing forty, continually stroking your ego (among other things), without going unrewarded.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (3 May 2013):
I’m sure a majority of people in her field do not enter the world of prostitution.
Anyway the point it this: to make peace with it, it sounds like you do have to talk to her and just tell her that you have a hard time thinking about it from time to time. She mightn’t want to go there but it sounds like this is essential to progress your relationship. You certainly need to understand why she did it and be confident that she doesn’t want to do it anymore.
This might be a red flag but you’ve certainly got to insist that you need to talk about it if you’re going to have any chance of getting past this at all.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Personally, I wouldn't get involved with someone like that. If she so casually brushes off your concerns, she clearly isn't a good spousal model.
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