A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Am i being naive to think that this could work or should i just move on. Sorry this is so long but there is alot to be said. I have worked with this girl for 3 years (and known her just as long). I have always liked her, but i never did anything about it, because I thought she would never go for a guy like me, and found out she had a boyfriend when i first met her. We have become real great friends over the years and she has had a few boyfriends since, all lasting an average of 3 months each. She showed me signs that she may have been interested, but i just took that as how she must be with everybody. It is probably worth noting that I have never had an official girlfriend.A few months ago she told me that she had feelings for me, I was shocked and over the moon. The down side was that she was with another guy who she had been with for a couple of months already. So this excitment soon faded, when reality hit that nothing was going to happen, as i told her that i would not do anything while she was with someone else. She agreed that she couldn't either, but that she didn't have the same feelings for this guy as she did for me. She tried breaking up with him, but he cried and she felt terrible so she stayed with him. Just last week she tried again, this time not falling for his begging.This would all seem in my favour, if it were not for the rest of her past that i have found out about along the way. You see she was in an abusive long term relationship before i met her, she said she has been messed up by it for the last 7 years. And she said thats why she has had a few boyfriends since that just haven't worked out, becuase she said as soon as they remind her of him, she leaves them. The reason I hear about all this is she says I am a nice guy, and feels she can confide in me. She is such a lovely girl, i wish she didn't have all this trouble. Anyway she saw me on the weekend for the first time, since she broke up with her recent boyfriend. This was the first time we had really met alone together, when we were not at work or out with friends. It went really well, we can really talk about anything to each other. We agreed, however, with all this confusion and upset in her past, i would give her time to work things out before we got really serious. This is because the ex from her past was still messeging her, which she said was making her cry all the time, because she just wanted to forget about him. I asked her whether she still had feelings for him, and she said not in the way she did for me, she more felt like she needed to look after him, like a mother would for a child. This is because they were together for so long, that he still has a hold over her. I said to her the best way to stop this is to try to cease all contact, and maybe change her mobile number if that's how he is contacting her. She agreed.Anyway the reason I write on here, is quite shocking. I have been able to deal with and be patient with everything that has happened above, because i really care about her. But last night she told me she had done something dreadful, something that was the worst possible thing she would do in the situation she was in. After a few texts back and forth she finally told me that she had been to see this ex. I said that that wasn't prob the best thing to do, and asked her what she did it for. She replied she went to talk to him, to tell him that she wanted him to stop and that she would never be his girlfriend, but then she said that thats not how it played out. I did not respond straight away, because i didn't know what this meant, in that hesitation she had sent me 4 texts, saying she was sorry, and all this. When i started to text her back, she called me. I asked her what this meant, and she said she was telling him that she didn't want to see him again, and he said he didn't want to talk about it, she said they ended up hugging, and one thing led to another... I was like what? what do you mean? she said it was so terrible she couldn't say what had happened out aloud, but I figured she meant she had slept with him, because she said she didn't enjoy it, and cried afterwards. I didn't know how to respond, so i said we all make mistakes, and if she ever felt like she was going to do something silly again, to call me, and i would try to make her feel better (she says im good at doing that).I so much want to forgive and forget, but is this something you can just let go. I feel she is a really really great girl, who has some troubles, but do you think this is worth it. Am i being naive thinking this can still work. No matter what I am prepared to be a friend to her, to help her through this tough time. But should I still be waiting for something more, or should I just move on interms of that. I really thought she was the one, but after what i heard last night I don't know anymore.
View related questions:
at work, broke up, her ex, her past, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): There is no second chance. EJECT! EJECT!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): Well, I was raised as "everyone deserves a second chance". Myself, I believe I would tell her she has a second chance, but what she did wasn't right at all, and it won't be forgiven a second time. Also if she REALLY wanted to be rid of the ex, she would be. It sounds like she still has some sort of feelings for him. After saying everyone deserves a second chance, at the same time I'd like to add if you distrust her enough now that you feel you have to keep and eye on her to make sure she won't stray again, then that's not a good relationship either. If there is no trust, there is no relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, missmel34 +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Hmmm, well this is the way I see it. Shes a bit messed up, well no, shes alot messed up. I think she has huge self esteem issues and needs to have men chasing her to make her feel better. I mean lets face it, she has you in the shadows and this guy on the side. You don't deserve this, be her friend by all means, but shes playing you, and shes probably playing this other guy as well.Theres a difference between wanting a man because you enjoy his compnay, to wanting a man because you can't live without one.When you break up with someone, thats it...no more. If you're responding to his texts, talking to him on the phone, or even turning up at his house...no matter how much you're proclaiming you don't want this person in your life, actions speak louder than words. Giving your ex any kind of attention is feeding the situation.So I guess you have to ask why is she feeding the situation? Well, as a woman I think its because it feeds her desire to be wanted, which is why I said she has a self esteem/identity issue. Its one thing to be involved with a person and learn after a few years they have some psychological problems, its another to get involved with someone who you know from the word go has issues.This girl needs to grow up and probably get some counselling. You on the other hand seem like such a nice, genuine guy. Don't let your desire for a GF allow you to settle for second best.After all, the time you waste being with someone who isn't right means you're not open for the one that is. Also, after people have been in relationships they let their guards down, and show more of themselves, they are no longer on their best behaviour. My concern is, if this is how she's behaving with someone shes wanting to start a new relationship with, what is she going to be like when shes been with you a while. You will probably end up on the scrap heap with the rest of her old BF's.Be her friend, not her BF, shes not ready for another one...tell her its time to get her act together, not look for a replacement. Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, kirsty_29  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Hi,The first thing I'd really like to say is "RUN" run far away and fast from this woman. I understand that you "think" you are helping her...Believe me, your words are going in one ear and out the other. I'm being as honest as I possibly can with you after reading your post.You are being taken advantage of, see this and say NO MORE.You sound like an amazing person, with a big hear who really wants to help. You can't help somebody when they arenot ready or willing to help themselves.The other problem here is that there are stronger feelings involved and this can lead to a huge amount of hurt. I see in your post that you are smart enough to say that she needs to resolve things before you can become involved on a more serious level.But, looking at her actions and obvious distress and self destructive behavior- Is this really what you want for you?The person you are describing needs help, and a major amount, she's allowing her past to control her present, and before she can move on at all with anything- including you, she needs to let go or release that junk... Therapy orcounseling is a great idea.If you want to be her friend that's great, be there for herand listen. But, involving yourself at the same time on a romantic level is not helping either of you.I would not wait for something more, I think you would be a glutton for punishment and be in for a world of hurt, not to mention become one in a horrible dysfunctional cycle. The fact that you are questioning things tells me that you already have your answer in your heart.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): Long question, short answer- you are simply being a bit too naive!You have portrayed yourself as a nice guy so give it time, the right girl will come by sooner or later.Break up all ties with the one in question- no lover, no girlfriend, no friend, no nothing! It will let you focus on your life clearer and who knows, in the clear state of mind you might come across the right one!Wish you luck!
...............................
|
