A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.Ive been with a girl for 7 months, it's only a short time but it's the best relationship I've had, I can truley say I love this girl..But over the past 3 months she's changing her attitude, and is acting very different to the girl I want to be with.I have one huge sticking point that is making me question if this girl is right for me. For example, this morning we were out with friends, and she mentioned something I find personal to them, that I had asked her not to talk to anyone about.Later when we were alone I told her I was upset, hurt and felt betrayed. She turns around and goes "oh my god it's not even that big of an issue I can't believe you're being this way you're just being a dick" the conversation continued like this with me being made out as such a horrible person. Now 3 hours later I'm still being given the "cold shoulder" and being made out as a bad guy.Anytime I bring up something that's upset/hurt me I feel as though it gets turned back on me. I feel as though she refuses to accept any responsibility that she's upset me and turns it back on me instead.I've mentioned that this is a big sticking point in our relationship for me, and was met with the same resistance.Any suggestions how I could bring this up and talk through it with her? I don't want to leave this but I can't live the rest of my life like that! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): It might seem a little thing to her but if you asked her not to repeat something and she did. That is a betrayal of trust. Shrugging it off and calling you names because you told her that her actions hurt you is emotional abuse. They are your emotions and she is carelessly abusing them with no thought for you.
If she has changed a lot recently then that could mean the 'honeymoon' period is over and you are starting to see the real person. It might be a idea to have a frank talk with her, ask if she loves you and ask how far she sees this relationship progressing.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (2 September 2011):
Her reaction is a defence, and a manipulation. Often when people have done something wrong, or done something that upsets someone, rather than take responsibility, they prefer to get angry and upset at the other person. It takes the focus away from them and allows them not to have to face feeling guilty, or ashamed, or sad, or whatever they would feel if they took responsibility for what had happened, from their side. Some people become overwhelmed by other people's strong feelings, and react by fighting fire with fire. It is also a way of manipulating the situation to suit them and keep them in the position of power. It is easier for her to make you out to be the bad guy, and give you the cold shoulder, it lets her manipulate the situation so that instead of her being the bad guy, she just makes you the bad guy, problem solved. Some people would call this kind of relationship or way of relating emotionally abusive.
Often people do this naturally, unconsciously, and aren't aware that they are doing it, or being manipulative. However, it does really set the mood for the dynamic of a relationship. It is something that you would want to talk about, or it can undermine the relationship.
Try talking to her about it when you aren't angry or upset at her for something specific. Try speaking about how you feel that she doesn't acknowledge how you feel in these situations, but rather she becomes angry at you, and leaves your feelings unresolved and sometimes uncommunicated. She needs to understand that if she keeps reacting like she does, you will eventually reach a point where you can't have a healthy relationship with her. People can't change overnight, but you need to see if she has a willingness to work on it with you, like a team, or if she is against you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): ya ... you need to leave her ... dont waste you time because she is going to continue hurting you .... she does not take into account how you feel ... dont even talk to her just say it is over. dont even explain why you are leaving either because she is going to use that to hurt you. just leave and move on.
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A
female
reader, LettertoJuliet  +, writes (1 September 2011):
I am sorry if that will sound harsh but I believe she is not interested in you anymore and eventually you will break up so don't put too much hope in this relationship. And if she keeps doing things like that and hurting you I suggest to run away and not turn back. You asked how could you bring this u but I think she won't listen because she doesn't want to. I would rather talk with her not about her attitude but about her feelings for you and your future together..
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A
male
reader, mistermann +, writes (1 September 2011):
I don't really know if this is something you can just "bring up". It is something you have to address on a case by case basis. There is no point letting a case file of times she has upset you build up and then one day address every single one. All you can do, is when a situation like this arises, address it immediately, let her know how you feel and that it is really not acceptable to betray your trust in such a way. Whenever I've had a situation that has upset me a lot, I've raised it as soon as possible and not let it drop until the other person realises that what they have done is wrong. It doesn't matter if they don't think it is wrong in their moral code, they should empathise with you and realise that it is unacceptable and has upset you. You can't debate emotions, if you feel something, you feel something, there are no two ways about it. I've had some pretty long and heated arguments over the years, some where I have been at fault and some where others have been at fault, but I don't regret any of them. Arguments are a means to an end and whenever I've expressed my emotion so strongly, I can never help but feel better for letting it all out.Obviously, that is my opinion and how I'd handle the situation, but I just thought I'd offer you a different opinion and viewpoint.
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