A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok me and my girlfriend have been together just over a year now but have had numerous arguements over her ex. She was with him for amany year....16 in fact yet chose not to marry or have children. They still have regular contact n see one another very couple of weeks. For 6 months she lied when she saw him and told me she hadnt but I always found out. I have a big problem with this as I couldn't see a future for us if shr is going to lie all the time. Last thing is photos of her ex boyfriend on her camera she told me she had deleted in front of me. Why does she want these photos, she just says hes her past but I cant understand why someone who is moved on would want them..
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): Well I think she still does care about him and prob. always will he was in her life 16 years.! and I think you need to tell her how you feel about this
A
female
reader, Vianneeey  +, writes (17 September 2014):
The question is.. how long was she single before she started dating you?
People need some time alone after they break up so they can assure themselves that they make the right decision. If you guys date straight after she broke up, she hasn't even get the time to be alone. She used to have someone beside her for 16 yrs, and all the sudden he's gone, she must fell some kind of loneliness. Fortunately, you appeared.
I think you need to have a really long talk with her. Make it the last conversation about her ex ever. If I were you, I will ask her to stop talking to her ex for couple of months & store the photos/stuff somewhere not easily found. If she can't do that, for so many reasons, sorry but she still wants him back and you have to let her go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 I think because of the 16 years together she wants to keep him in her life, no matter what. That means no matter what YOU think or feel about it.
I'd say that someone who holds onto and meets up with and ex once a week, isn't over the ex. The fact that she LIED about makes me think, she KNEW very well how it might make YOU feel, and she disregarded your feelings by lying.
I'm NOT a fan of keeping in contact with exes (for the most part) there are some cases where you can be friends, once you don't feel "those" feelings for each other. I have ONE ex as a friend or rather as an acquaintance these days, we mail each other every few months, but there are no romantic feelings there. So I DO see that some people CAN make that work without it getting in the way of a relationship. But my husband knows, I don't lie about it, I don't hide anything.
As for the photos, I disagree with you, to a point. MANY people keep old photos, souvenirs from past relationships, from childhood and friendships. Nothing odd in that. I have a couple of boxes full of pictures and souvenirs. THOUGH keeping them on her camera seems ODD to me. If she keeps photos of him on her camera, it's because she wants them HANDY so she can look at them. Often. If they were JUST souvenirs, she would either save them on her computer, put them on paper, upload to storage or a memory stick.
She WILL continue to lie. Because she doesn't WANT to give up her ex for you. She feels entitled to keep him around.
So here is the thing. You can stay with her and accept that HE is a part of her life present & past and that if you question it, she will lie.
OR, you can decide that it's not what you want. That you want a woman who is IN the present WITH you, not having a foot in the past with her ex and a foot in the present with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2014): I was married for 18 years and have been divorced for a little more than 2 years now - I married young. I have a boyfriend now and every now and then I will mention my ex in conversation - perhaps describing an event that took place for example. It is hard never to mention their name if you were with them for so long. I have no reason to see my ex - he is my ex. I also think it would be disrespectful to my partner if I maintained contact with him. I am sure it is different if people have children together of course. Your girlfriend has no good reason to be lying and seeing him and storing his pictures on a camera. Everything she is doing says she wants him. I agree with the other post that she does not care about your feelings. You could waste a long time 'waiting' for her to treat you properly. I would finish it with her. You don't owe her a reason - she should know the reason already. If you and her are meant to be then she will come back into your life but don't put yours on hold any longer. I would not tolerate what she is doing. Find someone who does not undermine you. A healthy relationship should not make you feel bad like this. She is not emotionally available to you - and that is cruel. I hope you see a way out of it and find happiness elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 September 2014):
 They have a very long history and she appears to be still hung up on her ex. The mere fact that she can risk her relationship with you for talking/seeing the EX, is your answer that is what she really wants is her ex back. Sorry you need to let her go and don't look back.
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