A
male
age
51-59,
*igdaddy
writes:ok here it goes I was looking through my wifes cell phone bill and noticed that the same number was popping up not to much just long,so i asked my wife and she told me everything, she told me it was someone she was attracted to.She let me know that nothing has happened and that she doesn't know how sh could but she has found herself attracted to this man.Ok we talked when she got home and of course i was upset but very willing to work on this if we were going to be able to.She tells me that she loves me still but she is not happy in our 18 year marriage right now and hasn't been for awhile.She says that over all these years she is tired of me constantly calling her and expecting her to call me YES IM AN INSECURE PERSON AND VERY NEEDY ,she says she' also tired of mesmothering her.we have been having open conversations everyday since this has happened (IT happened on saturday snd today is thursday)And yesterday she told this man she could no longer talk to him.But she has let me knoe that the feelings are still there and she is confused and she doesn't know why....She tells me she loves me and does want this to work but is letting me know she is unhappy.Im noy going to lie but I cried begged and pleaded with her the first couple of days but were over that part now.she sees this amn at work every once in awhile and does have to speak to him ,and she told me what if his number is found on our phone bill.....she doesnt know if she wants to be married right now shes confused...im happy she is here but what do i do im going crazy and hurting so much inside...................HELP
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): Thanx everyone who answered any advice is helpful....and im working on my problems first.We had another good long talk and evryday is getting a little better..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): It is not up to you to save the marriage. You both have equal parts and talking to someone may or may not help. She has been confronted and now admitted she is draw to someone else for whatever reasons. I would back away keep communication open but dont be the one who changes after that many years you both have become different people and may want different things in life now. She has told you she isn't sure she wants to be married right now after you beg and plead how much you love her maybe she can not follow thru leaving because of guilt which is no fair to either of you.You should have grown together after all these years atleast in the same basic needs knowing you have not and thinking of what you want different is hard to do it is scarry to start again to know how much you have destroyed someone. But that love that drew you together so many years ago should be within you now to want the best for each other be it together or seperate the truth in life not the guilt to stay out of hurting someone.All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 November 2008):
 Hi
I have to say that when I read Smiles response to you I would have said the exact same advice.
I went through a long term relationship for almost 20 years and our relationship changed after 15 years as we then had our daughter.
I used to be where you have been in as much as I was the needy, insecure and vunerable one and I was so very smothering that he felt as though it was getting very claustrophobic. You have to train yourself to pull back and to place trust in your relationship again. You CANNOT do this on your own as the learnt behaviour over the years is just that learnt behaviour and you have to break that cycle.
Unfortunately my relationship altered due to an affair on his part and yes I guess the mistrusting side of me said well I was proved right eventually. However, what counselling does do for you is that it makes you LISTEN to what the other person is saying and not constantly talking over them or ignoring their words in a conversation.
We went through Relate in the UK, relationship general counselling then separate individual counselling and eventually the best counselling going which was couple counselling. The individual counselling is good for the individuals as it addresses your own individual insecurities and makes you realise what is going on for YOU and only YOU.
The couple counselling analyses the attributes of your relationship and also the negativities within your relationship and why they exist. It makes you talk openly with one another and although you say you have been talking recently it does make me want to ask the question about whether you are talking about the right things here?
What is your sex life like? You say she has said she is tired of the constant contact she has to have with you and that may have been something that has embarrassed here at work or something? Maybe someone has said to her, the hubby checking up on you again? It doesn't need to much to be said before she starts to think to herself, oh no I can't do anything right now.
Do you have children together? You don't mention them that's all.
Get information on counsellors right away and tell her that you feel that you realise that you need to change your ways and the claustrophobic way in which you have made her feel but also how you want to save your relationship and feel that going to see someone together perhaps as well as your own individual counselling could help you through this very difficult time.
At the end of the day you have to thank your lucky stars that your wife has openly admitted about this other man she finds herself attracted to and sees occasionally at work. The one thing you have to realise though is that she has admitted that nothing has happened and she has stopped all forms of contact right now so that she can dedicate herself to saving her marriage right now. It will take work from both of you and you are not alone believe me as a lot of relationships do go through stagnant stages. We get ourselves into a routine and sometimes we need a jolt to liven things up a bit. Does she ever get time to go out with female friends on her own, do you have time out with the guys?
Do you have holidays together or special quality time alone?
There are so many things that can be done to help a relationship but the first thing is knowing when to get the help and I like Smiles says think this is needed immediately.
Keep us posted OK. Good luck.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): Dear Poster
The red lights are flashing and yes, it seems as if your marriage is in trouble. If your wife is unhappy and not sure if she wants to be married anymore, you need to pay urgent attention to the problems. I think you and your wife need to discuss the various issues that is making her unhappy. I suggest you both go for counseling; you need somebody to assist you to work through the issues and problems you are facing as individuals and as a couple.
Do not take all the blame on yourself; a marriage is a partnership and it needs two people to be committed to a loving unity.
Get help for your insecurities and work on a positive self esteem. Be strong and don't beg or plead; Please do get counseling a.s.a.p.
I do think you both will benefit from getting the communication channels open again and with counseling you have a better chance to overcome the issues creating problems and unhappiness. Even if your wife is not prepared to go for counseling with you; I suggest you start with it a.s.a.p.
I have empathy with you for the emotional pain you are experiencing and do hope that you can have this resolved soon.
Best wishes; keep us posted.
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