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anonymous
writes:I have had a breakthrough re porn and I thought it might interest you. My main worry was not understanding what is fantasy and what my partner would like in real life. I found it really hard to talk to him and I was very scared therefore hopeless at saying things calmly. I thought the threesomes might be a secret wish and the idea of porn was like a personal attack. However, I managed to say something this morning and he responded in a way that has completely calmed me. After all this time!He said fantasy is fine, when we talk about rude stuff he goes along with it as the excitement mounts and part of it is imagining it as real. However, he told me the reason he knows it is just fantasy is that as soon as he has had an orgasm, whatever he was thinking of seems as appetising as a bowl of cold sick ( a bit extreme perhaps but I finally understand what he means)! He said he knows that is why he could never do threesome stuff because he would feel completely disgusted afterwards when the reality came back. I really get this. In other words it has no place in his real life and it gets put back into the perspective it deserves. I find this so reasurring. It is amazing to me that a few words, a shift and a small bit of understanding just changes everything. The block is gone. I don’t even care if he does have the odd look at porn now, it no longer threatens me. I can’t tell you the months of anguish I went through and how a huge weight has lifted. It means that our personal sexual boundaries are compatible and maybe I can relax and enjoy some made up stuff a bit more. Hurrah!It shows that communication is key and perhaps I am very lucky that I can now explore my sexuality with my partner from a secure position. I know how hard this is to create when one person puts their needs first. If you have a good man or woman all you need to do is be able to talk and listen in a caring way. It took me over two years to understand so don't give up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there, don't know why this has come up as anonymous as I am clarey. Anyhow. I went to see a sex therapist as well as all the other things I did to resolve my feelings. She recommended a book called "In the shadows of the net" which is very good and your fiance would benefit from reading it. In fact, I may be tempted to insist that my chap reads it too. There are reviews available online. Best of luckX
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reader, shaashiie  +, writes (27 November 2008):
 Well I actually skimmed that article you mentioned, but I will be reading it more thoroughly later. What I read so far I agree with totally, this is something being seen as so blase but really hurts people.My boyfriend admitted to me last night that he was actually addicted to the porn, which kind of makes me feel better in a way because I kept asking myself WHY he kept going on it so much without telling me. He has since stopped watching it but I still feel different, I used to think sex was special to him and my body was special but now I think he may view sex in a totally different way than I do. He told me when he watched it he was imagining it was the both of us but I mean he was watching orgies with 5 people and stuff like that.. I don't think he's telling the truth but maybe he is.I am still left with more questions than answers. But you're right, it is a slow process building back the trust. I think he's already over it to be honest. He stopped watching it about 4 months ago, but I'm still full of questions because more and more truth keeps coming out from him so I can't really get over it yet. I really wish I could though, but now I see our entire relationship in a totally different light. But thank you for sharing, it is good to know that I am not the only one going through this, it is sad that this is so common now :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would heartily recommend an article in The Guardian newspaper (UK) called “Men and porn”. You will need to do a search on it but it says it like it is in my opinion.
I know what you mean about secrets and lies and associating them with it, in fact it was well said because it helped me clarify my feelings. Thanks for that.
Your man probably lied because he does feel ashamed, whether it be because of the way he was brought up or for other reasons. Anyway, the fact that men have to prove their potency to themselves like this is a bit sad in some ways. My bloke has never gotten over the fact that my first husband was a very “big boy”, he almost fell over when I told him and said it made him feel inadequate. He ceaselessly apologises for being smaller, which is silly anyway because I hated the huge one I had before! I tried to explain that this was exactly how the porn issue made me feel but he find reasons not to associate the two because it suits him. He thinks prowess is only his prerogative and I think he is a bit sexist about that. I have had a real and fulfilling sex life, I have not needed to rely on a cyber one.
Perhaps if you do get over the taboo and get a dvd or whatever, it would help. Why not try. Perhaps his problem is with intimacy and the porn gives him a feeling of power in his potency that would be shown up as the mirage it is, if he were to watch it with you? I don’t know what the new perspective will be but there will be one.
My partner has lived a lonely life at times, in solitary corners, plus he is a typical male going into his cave. I am learning to separate my hopes from reality as some people will never change and I would rather be with him than without him. We do actually love each other hugely. Isn’t it interesting that people can hold on to things that they don’t let go for fear and that it can create such mistrust? Perhaps this trust building is a slow process, but I do know it has to be earned as well as given. It is so important that someone who loves you can demonstrate that they will put your feelings first when it is really important to you. It is not as though you want him to stop eating.
It is a bit like allowing yourself to fall forward with nothing to protect you, knowing that you will be caught. Perhaps you and I just have to do the work this time, adapt and encourage this trust which has been a bit broken. Painful, though it is. I just hope that when I start opening up to a bit more spice mine doesn’t trample over me like a herd of elephants heading for the bananas.
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reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (25 November 2008):
I understand exactly what both of you are saying. In the past, I was actually open to porn. I would watch with whomever I was involved with, and even at times be the one to suggest watching it first. It was something we did together occasionally...and I never gave it a 2nd thought if he wanted to watch if we were not together. I can remember seeing the screen saver of one particular man, which had 4 images of nude women...didn't bother me in the least. I pointed it out to him that I noticed it, laughed, and his reply was, almost as if he had forgotten it was there, "what do I need that stuff for now...I've got you right here in front of me." That was so sweet he said that, unsolicited. I didn't doubt for a minute that he meant what he said, too, though I didn't ask him not to look, and never expected him nor needed him to stop. It wasn't a thought either way for me. I just knew that's how guys were, accepted it, and don't remember it ever bothering me in the least. I was always very confident, and comfortable with my own sexuality.
Then came along my fiance 2 years ago. I remember at least 3 times asking him if he liked porn, did he ever watch it, told him if he did I was okay with that, that it was something we could watch together. His reply was always along the lines of, "no, it never interested me, it does nothing for me, I don't look at it at all." I must have known instinctively that he was not telling me the truth, b/c of asking him on multiple occasions. After being together for 1-1/2 years, I accidentally discovered that indeed he was looking at it...on MY laptop no less, besides his own computer. I caught him several different times after that...by snooping on both his and my computer. I suspect there were other times, but he got savvy and would erase the history and then got savvier and started erasing the cookies as well.
I confronted him several times, calmly, telling him I was concerned b/c he felt the need to lie to me, even though I gave him a chance to tell the truth up front...on numerous occasions. He said he felt ashamed and embarrassed that he looked at it. He also claimed during the initial confrontations that his "friend" sent it to him and that he did not know what he was opening up when he clicked on the link. We got past that lie and eventually he came clean and owned up to it, esp. b/c I could see in the history that an outright search was done for this stuff.
There's alot more to it that I will go into when I start my own post about this dilemma. The sad unfortunate truth is that once upon a time I was open to and accepting of porn, even enjoying it too. Some of it was downright hysterical, with the music and cheesy plotlines and whatnot! And some of it was a turnon. B/c he was not able to be open with me, not able to share with me his most intimate self, I felt betrayed. I no longer trusted him. I still don't trust him (for many reasons I will get into later). I think to myself, if he lied about this, what else has he lied about? What else about himself is he hiding? I am working on it, I am trying to let it go and move on, but it is very difficult at times. We were in counseling separately and together over this, but had to stop b/c of lack of insurance and lack of funds. I still don't feel as though we have brought closure to this. Well, he may have, but I have not. Anyway, the trust issue is brought up from time to time by me, and we do talk about it, but I never come away with a sense of accomplishing anything, or feeling any better about the situation.
I am the same way - very open in the bedroom, trying many different taboo things with him. Things I know many other women do not do in the bedroom.
This porn thing was never ever an issue for me in the past, and now it is, b/c of his lying to me about it and feeling the need to be secretive about it. It hurt me so much that he was not able to share that side of himself with me, when I openly and willingly gave him every opportunity to do so.
I am sure he is still looking, though he won't admit to it, and I have no proof. But I am sure he is finding a way, somehow. The biggest problem I have right now is the possibility that he is lying. Lying is intolerable to me, when it concerns one partner withholding information from the other about who they really are, and withholding information that the other has every right to know. I've communicated this to him from the getgo, and he always responded like in turn. Yet, he seemed to think it was okay to lie to me anyway?
In turn, at the present, I am completely turned off by the idea of porn...I associate porn with mistrust and lying. I have, though not recently, but in the past several times have suggested going to the adult store together and renting some movies. He wants nothing to do with this, which is curious. Perhaps I should just go to the store myself and rent them, then bring them out when we are alone at home and see how he reacts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I did was be a bit honest. Firstly I have watched the odfd thing myself in my life and found it quite sexy. I can’t say it features that much and I notice that I find some things i once found sexy seem grotty now. People’s sexuality can be complicated and it changes. One Mum I know pasted her son’s walls with porn and said here you are, take a good look and get over it. I thought that was great psychology. Also, if you watched some porn with him you may find it makes him embarrassed and lets him see things a new way – who knows – it is not helpful to you personally to be so upset even though I understand that wholeheartedly
Having admitted to myself that I have occasionally found these things sexy, did I think I was being unfaithful to my partner after I had looked? No. So was I being a bit hypocritical? One bloke said it was like just because he liked watching football, did he want to be in the team? No thanks! If porn is used too much by a man, in secret, it says more about him than you. It shows bad communication and an inability to share.
You don’t have the right to demand control over his inner life or thoughts, but you can act in a way that encourages him to share with you and be open. By doing that he hopefully would compromise because it would not seem so naughty any more. I find it helps to not use the word porn and just tell myself “men like rude stuff” .
It takes courage and time to get dialogue going. I am having counselling to improve my own communication skills with my partner because I have been very afraid of porn. People need to know where each other’s behaviours begins and end; where their morals lie. What makes them happy/sad and why.
I don’t like a partner to sneak about. I want to develop more openness between us so that we can share our sex life more, so that he is less likely to have one all on his own. I hope that by being more open he will taper his activity to fit with one that is more compatible to both of us.
I think too much porn can be like sex-burgers, instantly gratifying and it and it robs people of the ability to appreciate each other properly and dilutes the meaning of good love-food which is nourishing to our self esteem and well being. However, I think I deserve to be happy in my life and not let it be overwhelmed with being unhappy about porn. If I can build my own self-confidence up, would I care? Can I learn to think about more important things that allow myself to be judged against porn stars who would probably love to have my life and talents if they could.
Remember there will always be people more shallow than you and there will always be unfairness and inequality in this life. There is nothing you can do about that except be more secure in yourself. If there was a dating website on which men had to pledge to no porn they would get the best girls in the world - instead of making us feel we have to persuade ourselves to accomodate what can seem like very hurtful things. Where has our power of say gone? Who is telling us that was are being unreasonable? Men. Plus somehow women are complying by competing with each other to please men sexually as well. I think that in excess porn continues to hold us back in the fight for equal rights between the sexes.
I hope to being my partner an exciting love life but I need to have some say and some control over it. I am in my forties so when I do something sexy with him it will have to be compatible with my feelings and stage of life. I don’t want to be railroaded or to do it all the time. In exchange he will win my trust, which is something I know he needs so you and I both have some of the power because we are the ones who make our men happy in the real world and that is what counts.
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reader, shaashiie +, writes (21 November 2008):
What exactly did you say to him? I found out my boyfriend had been watching for years behind my back because he KNEW it would hurt me so he didn't say anything. He has since stopped (after denying it for months) but it is eating me up inside that he lied for so long. But some days I am actually ok with it.. then other days it just tears me apart to think of him sitting there and wanting to see another woman naked. The other day I was upset about it but did not mention it to him as I don't want to punish him for it, I want to be able to move past it. Well anyway he knew I was upset and asked why and I brought it up again and he told me he wished I wasn't so uptight. This made me feel like a prude, I will try anything in bed with him so I don't see why he thinks I'm uptight other than it hurts to know he wants to see other women naked and used to do it whenever he pleased yet I stayed completely faithful and if I was in the mood for something like that I would wait to see him again or let him know with something like a naughty text message.
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